A Widower’s True Story

It was a day he knew would approach as the weeks passed by on his calendar. In his home made for two, he was reminded constantly of the loss of his wife two years prior. Every inch of his home was tied to a memory of their life together. The anniversary of her death was coming inevitably and so would the painful memories from the day that changed his life forever. When I called him to help pass the time during a day that may feel endless, he was in low spirits. We spoke about fond memories and how wonderful of a person she was. An intelligent individual, a great mother and a loving wife. He still felt lost without her two years later.

We then spoke about that tragic day two years ago – the day he had to make a decision that no person should have to make. After an accident, his wife was unresponsive and being kept alive with advanced medical equipment. After discussions with doctors and family, she was allowed to be at peace. Today, he lives with a sense of regret and pain that may fade over time, but will likely never fully subside. He knows it was the right decision to make at the time, but the idea that maybe, just maybe, she could have healed, is an unfortunate byproduct of that tragic event. 

This true story is one that may help other people who are fortunate enough to come home from work today and hug their spouse.

Before her accident, this couple put into place important estate documents, such as wills, medical powers of attorney and healthcare directives. They were good stewards of their finances by planning in advance for a possible tragedy – one they didn’t believe would happen to their family. Thanks to this proper planning, the events and decisions following this heartbreak were made a little easier. However, a more direct conversation about what they each would expect from one other if this were to occur may have helped this gentleman better cope with the unnecessary guilt of his decision.

This true story is one that may help other people who are fortunate enough to come home from work today and hug their spouse. We may all be guilty of assuming such a tragedy won’t happen to us, but as a financial planner, I often receive these phone calls from widows and widowers after a loss. Although this isn’t an exciting topic to discuss, one way to show your love is to make this as part of your estate plan. While having legal documents is a crucial part of this process, making your intentions clear to your spouse or family members is also important.

Putting estate planning documents into place isn’t exactly what most couples think about as the weekend approaches. Therefore, if you’re feeling a little motivation right now, use it before it fades. Reach out to a qualified estate attorney to speak about putting these documents into place (and possibly wills and trusts). The medical power of attorney, which is different than the financial power of attorney, gives someone the legal ability to carry out your medical wishes if you can’t voice those wishes yourself. While this legal document is important, the last thing most of us want to do is give that kind of power to a loved one with no guidance. Therefore, a healthcare directive, which is also called a living will or advanced directive, can allow you to put into your own words what you would like to occur in that tragic situation. You can write out your wishes and then give them the legal capacity to carry out those wishes with the medical durable power of attorney. If you’re not married or you fear your spouse wouldn’t be able to handle that kind of responsibility, carefully consider another friend or family member who may be able to take on this role. By the way, if you’re considering your physician as your medical POA, some states don’t allow it.

Drafting these documents should bring about a conversation on what you want to occur if you were in dire straits with your health. Sometimes people do have a thorough and heartfelt conversation about this topic. Other times drafting estate documents is an exercise they want to rush through. It’s tempting to quickly approve a template document without much discussion if this is a topic you wish to avoid. Avoiding this conversation can also occur when creating these documents along with wills, a revocable trust or more. It’s a busy process with a great amount of detail. 

Although no one can truly prepare for what this gentleman experienced, there may be steps you can take to make life a little easier and a little less painful if you were faced with tragedy too. And if you know someone who may be facing the longest day of their year, give them a call to help them through the day. It may mean more to them than you imagine. 

About the author: Travis Freeman is a partner with Moneta and serves successful business executives with complex financial, tax and estate planning needs. Questions may be directed to [email protected].

The opinions voiced in this material are for general information only and are not intended to provide specific advice or recommendations for any individual. Please speak with a qualified tax or legal professional before making any changes to your personal situation.