The widow(er)

Becoming a widow(er) is not something you control. It happens to you. It happens too early, it happens when you might expect it, it happens when you can even be ok with it. Logical time, right circumstances, acceptable age, they lived a good life etc.

For people where their partner passes away way too early, the years after the passing is quite a challenge. Not because you don’t know what to feel. You feel it. And if you follow your feeling or heart and not let others determine what you should feel, you will know exactly what to do to deal with your loss, how to mourn, how long and with whom. Some feel the need for professional help, others prefer friends and family, others find other ways.

Society in general however has no clue how to deal with you. Most people do not experience first hand the loss of a man or wife at 37 for example. I’m happy for them. But movies, tv, talk shows have given them ideas about what to do. Like a lot of people tend to give advice on how to cure cancer based on YouTube clips and Facebook articles before the passing occurs. Don’t do that by the way….

Anyway, different story, I’ll get back to my point. It’s because people get uncertain or are unfamiliar, they just grab whatever text or advice they can find to “help and support” you. Hardly helps any widow(er) though. Makes them feel even more detached and isolated. If you want to help, ask them what they need, invite them for dinner, especially on special days. Not once, but regularly. If they decline, just keep asking anyway. If they turn up, talk about the weather, football, politics, whatever.

The fact that we showed up means we appreciate it, feel safe and if we want to talk about our loss, we will bring it up.

If you really have urgent questions, just ask them. Share your pain if you have to, talk about your fear, say you don’t know what to say. Also, ok. Could even help. I hear from other widow(er)s and have experienced myself however that the majority of people you thought were close to you do not invite you for dinner or a coffee. Not many ask you to babysit for an afternoon or evening to give you some rest. Rest is what we need(ed). Only a few do the right thing and not always the most obvious people that step up.

As a widower I have been trying to do all the things you think you need to do in the first place anyway after the passing of my wife (back to work, do your shopping, take care of my daughter etc.). It’s very clear that life carries on. We know. No need to tell us. Also don’t advise us about when it’s time for a new partner. We will know when that is. You don’t. A new partner will only be possible if they are able to accept the situation, we are in. A gap in our family that will always be there and trust me it’s easier than dealing with a partner’s horrible ex.

So doing the “normal” things again brings you at some point to your social life, which in the first weeks?or months for sure doesn’t exist, because you are recuperating from a traumatic event and period. You also get tired of explaining things all over again to people that “ask with good intentions”. The strange bit is, that I have been able to talk about it very easily. Somehow that has been ok. The fact that we still have to find a way to live with this feeling that we cannot describe, makes it difficult. It comes and goes, like sadness or missing the person. Moments for me, they don’t last necessarily for days or weeks. When it comes I let it happen, accept it, experience it. With happy memories I try to enjoy it. We try to keep the memory alive by share pictures and videos that pop up on Facebook. Again, some people tell me “don’t do that, it's not good for you”. Or when I started a mourning playstyle therapy for my daughter, I got the same reaction. “Maybe not a good idea”. Reactions from people that don’t experience what I experience or feel, but react based on what it apparently does to them.

I function quite well, but experienced something, recently and trying my best to deal with it. I am happy what I have and sad about what we lost. Eager to develop me and my daughter further. Become a better person and make life joyful and fun.

My message to whoever bothered to read till the end; Thank you. Hope this text gave you an idea what to do when you know a widow(er).

If you are widow(er) and experience things differently, all good. We are not all the same of course. Happy to connect here, talk and help or learn from each other.

Tom

…and now get back to work.

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