Why Your Way of Coping is Right

There is a phrase I often use when faced with a tough situation: “Everything happens for a reason.” I don’t reference this quote because I only believe in the good in people or events (I don’t). And it isn’t because my life has been spared trauma or drama (it hasn’t). It’s a coping technique; a philosophy I turn to in order to survive painful, confusing and debilitating moments and realities so that I can get back up, go on and move forward. The reality we’re all living in right now, the Covid-19 Pandemic, is one of those times.

“Coping” isn’t good or bad.

It’s defined as “dealing effectively with something difficult.”

I learned this from my therapist on Sunday thanks to technology and mental health professionals providing tele-health therapy during government-mandated sheltering in place. The word doesn’t mean that you’ve taken the "best," "healthiest," or "most suitable" route - as determined by an unidentified third party. It’s that you’ve taken the route most effective for you. It doesn’t look the same for everyone. 

Coping with, let’s say, a buyer backing out of purchasing your condo the day before the deal closes, due to the Covid Crisis, might look like drinking one (or three) too many glasses of wine that night (raises hand). Coping with your three year old crying “I want mama!” at the top of his lungs while you run on a treadmill (which you are NOT good at) in your mother’s unfinished basement might look like yelling “This is not helping my stress!” at your husband who’s holding your son at the top of your lungs (raises both hands).

I’m coping. Sometimes incredibly well. Sometimes, not so much. But, again, for me, the “Everything Happens for a Reason” believer, I have to find the upside in this unbelievable situation we’ve all been handed. It’s my only hope of survival.

So, here it is:

A few of the upsides of the downsides I've discovered in our upside down world.

1. Downside: You are with your children. All the time. Without a break. Did I mention ALL the time?

Upside: You learn things about them that you never know. I’m stunned by how many words my 18-month old Charlie can say and how many letters my almost four-year old Will can write. I’m trying to be present in those moments and not only think about the stress of the whole situation, but the gift of time with them at these ages that I never would have had under different circumstances.

2. Downside: You are with your husband/wife/partner/roommate. All the time. Without a break. Did I mention ALL the time?

Upside: Without the space you are normally afforded by a world where you aren’t forced to stay at home, your relationship is being tested in ways you never dreamt were possible. If you can weather this storm, will there be anything you can't overcome in the future? This is the ultimate test. A high-pressure, high stress situation where no one can stomp away, leave to go to the gym, get a break while on a few days of work travel, blow off steam with a few drinks at a bar with friends. You have to sit in each moment, together. You will find new ways to respectfully disagree and new strategies for leaning on each other that will make you stronger today and in the future.

3. Downside: You don’t have any in-person interactions outside of your home, personal or professional.

Upside: You will make time for people that you would normally just email, call or text. I’ve had more “face to face” (albeit over Zoom or FaceTime) interactions with friends, family, colleagues, prospects, clients and members of my network in the past few weeks alone than in the past few years in total. I’ve had group virtual happy hours with my girlfriends from high school, college and the Montessori where my kids go to school. It has filled my soul in ways I didn’t know I needed. 

4. Downside: You can’t escape your own mind. 

Upside: Without the busyness of everyday activities, packed kids’ schedules, work travel, exercise classes and external obligations, we have been forced to slow down...to a halt. The universe had made time for the self reflection that we often don't make time for ourselves. Forced introspection is uncomfortable but powerful. We'll come out of this with new perspective, priorities and plans for the ways we will live our lives when those things we once took for granted are returned.

5. Downside: Your business is stalled...or stopped.

Upside: You'll create new revenue streams. Whether our companies are based on products or services, we’re all having to pivot and find new ways to stay in business. For some, that’s creating a digital component to their business that didn’t previously exist (online yoga classes, kids’ music lessons); for others it’s producing content that keeps their brand relevant and connected to its consumers. These are not easy times. And they’ve forced all of us to rethink our business models and be transparent and honest about our struggles. 

All of this is to say that if you're finding ways to cope, stick with them. And if those ways don't work for you next week, leave them behind. Give yourself, and those in your orbit, grace. Together, we will get through this...one day at a time.