Why Your People Hate You, Even Though You Care

Let's break the traditional self-help post mold. Instead of telling you what to do, I'm going to highlight what you should stop doing. And here I'll talk about how to not make your team hate you. Inspirational, I know, so let's get to it.

What do I mean by hate? I don't mean raging, top-boiled-over hate. I mean the contempt we all have had for a leader or manager who makes it really hard for us to follow, trust and work on their vision. This happens to teams all the time, and, unfortunately, it often happens to leaders who truly, deeply care about them.

If you don't pay attention to this then you are not a leader. Both in the literal sense (you have no followers, so how could you lead anything) and in the categorical sense (being a real leader means being self-aware). You'll lose your team, their spirit, and their full potential. Nobody wants that, let's not do that.

I've worked with numerous leaders who care about their people, want the company to succeed, and want everyone to feel proud of working there. Yet they do things that muddle that awesome intent.

Good news is you only need to be aware of what you might be doing to jumble that message to make a difference. Reading something and thinking, Ugh do I do that?, is enough to start tweaking your behaviors and natural tendencies.

Getting in their way

What you want to do: You want to get the best work done and don't want to risk your team failing. You want them to learn how to drive, but often find it's easier for everyone to just take the wheel and take them where they need to go.

What ends up happening: Your build a team of unsure and frustrated individuals who are forever on a skills plateau. Your efforts to help make everything right (often by doing it yourself) sends very bad signals to your people: I don't think you can do this; I'm smarter than you are; this may be your ceiling; I don't trust you.

I had a boss who was very busy...unfortunately, she was very busy because she kept doing everybody else' job. This quickly wore thin on every one, and killed the hell out of our morale. She was trying to be helpful, but she atrophied our sense of ownership.

So what? Whenever you grow inpatient with your people's ability to do something, or see an opportunity to speed things up by doing it yourself, tell yourself: "I'm wrong." Because you probably are. Your people are more creative and smarter than you think, and they do this work every single day. Let them swim more and more and only step in if they are flailing in the water. Care about them by trusting them fully.

Not showing them the way

What you want to do: You want to give your team tons of latitude, a big space to share ideas and be heard, and you want to be as inclusive as possible. You want your people to play!

What ends up happening: People get tired of playing around with infinite options or ideas and get worn out. Everyone wants to be heard, but they also need some semblance of direction, otherwise everything is the right thing. That can be exhausting.

I worked with a leader who encouraged and was open to all of his company's ideas. He entertained all the possibilities. So he never took anything off the table, and rarely made a decision on what to actually pursue. The initial kinetic energy from his people turned into burnout. They needed a vision, a direction, a leader.

So what? Give your conversations a 2:1 ratio, where you most of your time listening, but commit to answering and deciding the balance of the time. Keep your ears open, inquire, and be curious. But also be clear, concise, and decisive. All questions and ideas need an answer or decision. "Not right now." "Let's talk about that in 1 month, we need to focus on this instead." Care about them by clearing the fog.

Smothering them

What you want to do: You want them to feel safe, comfortable, and cared for. You want them to feel like a family, and in a family people don't get hurt.

What ends up happening: You forget all families are dysfunctional and love does not mean putting people in a bubble. Your people get comfy, but in the wrong ways: they are shielded (by you) of anything remotely risky, edgy, or incomplete...and that, as we all know, is where the opportunities for personal growth are.

I used to do this, so I'm here repenting for my sins. I tried to keep my team shielded from the frenzy around them so I kept their focus on what was fully within our control. This kept them cozy and warm but also completely out of sync with the rest of company or any opportunities to stretch our skills and development. Many came up to me wondering why I was doing this. Do you not trust our capacity to deal with ambiguity? Did you think we are weak? Uh-oh.

So what? I quickly learned that caring does not mean protecting them completely or keeping them far away from risk. I changed my approach to empowering them with all the information, direction, and support they needed to deal with the gnarliest of situations--and then I let go and opened all the doors. I showed them I trusted their ability to step up when needed, even if that meant a few scraped knees and bruised egos. They built resilience, change readiness, and tons more confidence. In this case, I cared about them by taking off all training wheels.