Why Your Marriage Therapist's Advice Can Make You a Better Boss

Do you recall your very first day at work? That exhilarating feeling of stepping into a new environment, filled with anticipation and excitement about your new position, was palpable. Everything seemed to align perfectly as you envisioned a bright future ahead. However, as time passed, you inevitably encountered various challenges that tested your resolve and adaptability. Conflicts with coworkers, unsuccessful projects that didn’t meet expectations, performance issues that weighed heavily on your mind, and personal matters that began to seep into your professional life may have emerged. These situations can lead to negative feelings such as disappointment, frustration, and even disillusionment. Renowned psychologist John Gottman proposed that to maintain balance in any relationship, including professional ones, we should keep a careful track of our emotional withdrawals and deposits. Every action we take, every word we speak, or even the silence we choose to maintain, holds symbolic value for the health of our relationships. A single careless withdrawal can overshadow numerous deposits, which is why it is essential for both parties to focus on making consistent, small daily deposits that can be drawn upon during times of crisis. Ideally, this strategy should be adopted by both individuals involved; however, even if only one person decides to change their behavior for the better, it can still result in a positive shift within the dynamic. It’s certainly worth the effort to try!

Here are various types of DEPOSITS that you can make to your ‘Emotional Bank Account’:

1. Ensure more positive than negative interactions - The 5:1 ratio

Conflicts in the workplace are inevitable, and how we choose to handle these situations is crucial for the future of our relationships with colleagues. During a crisis, it’s common to find ourselves in a negative mindset, where additional negativity feels almost expected. By adhering to the 5:1 ratio, you commit to saying or doing five positive things to counterbalance every negative interaction you have. This does not mean you need to become overly agreeable or accommodating at the expense of your own feelings. Instead, strive to genuinely engage with the other person: listen actively to their concerns, ask for more information to clarify their perspective, express empathy for their feelings, and validate their viewpoints. This approach not only fosters a more positive work environment but also strengthens the bonds between colleagues.

2. Building relationships based on friendship principles

It is essential to cultivate mutual appreciation within the workplace. Often, we take for granted the contributions our colleagues make, overlooking their efforts and the positive impact they have on our work environment. Perhaps you have noticed that their reports are not just satisfactory, but truly excellent, or that they consistently maintain a can-do attitude that uplifts others, especially in challenging situations. Make it a point to express gratitude for these behaviors openly. It can also be beneficial to recall specific instances when you were particularly impressed by their work, especially during times of conflict or crisis. Reminding them of their strengths can help to reinforce positive behavior and foster a supportive atmosphere.

3. Stay calm during conflicts

In the heat of conflict, it is all too easy to dredge up past negative situations, seeking to inflict the same hurt we feel onto the other person. In those moments, we might resort to using 'horrible words' that, once spoken, cannot be taken back, leading to significant harm in the relationship. So, what should you do when you feel the conversation spiraling out of control? Take a break. If you sense that your emotions are running high and your words are becoming increasingly hurtful, pause the conversation. Step away for a moment to gather your thoughts and return to the discussion only once you have both calmed down. This simple act can prevent irreparable damage and allow for a more constructive dialogue.

4. View the other person with empathy (including their weaknesses)

Therapists have observed that individuals in happy relationships often feel they are with someone who is as imperfect as they are. Conversely, in unhappy relationships, both parties tend to believe that the issues stem solely from the other person. This dynamic is equally applicable in the workplace. It’s important to acknowledge that nobody is perfect; we all make mistakes, forget important details, and occasionally miss our targets. This is entirely normal. Therefore, when communicating about these issues, approach them positively and casually. Rather than placing blame, highlight the positive aspects of the situation. For instance, you might say, “I wanted to remind you that the annual report is due by 6 pm today. By the way, I really appreciated your quick response to the regional manager earlier.” This kind of communication fosters a more positive work environment and encourages collaboration.

5. Accept others' influence and arguments

It’s vital to embrace the understanding that we don’t always have to be right. Accepting that others may have valid points or perspectives can lead to more fruitful discussions and stronger relationships.

6. Accept fundamental differences

In any relationship, professional or personal, there may be fundamental differences in beliefs or approaches. You might strongly advocate for one method, while the other person holds a different viewpoint. This divergence can manifest in various areas of life, including politics, lifestyle choices, and work methodologies. Sometimes, reaching common ground may not be possible, and in such cases, it’s essential to consider how to let go of the need for agreement if change isn’t feasible in a particular situation. This acceptance can lead to greater harmony and understanding.

7. Focus on positive resolution and the ability to fix mistakes

Focusing on positive resolutions and the ability to rectify mistakes is crucial to sustaining every relationship, including those in professional settings, as all relationships will inevitably face tough times. We must cultivate the ability to admit our mistakes openly and forgive others for theirs. This practice not only strengthens the emotional bonds between colleagues but also fosters a culture of accountability and growth.

Here are 7 types of WITHDRAWALS:

1. Focusing on negatives

American therapist Haim Ginott suggests that while all emotions are valid, not every reaction to them is beneficial. It can be frustrating when someone repeats an action you've already advised against. In such cases, anger is understandable, but saying “you are useless” is not constructive. Instead, try offering support, such as: “Can you please make sure you check this report before it is sent out to our stakeholders?”

2. Turning toward instead of away

Gottman described this attitude as the ‘syndrome of shutting glass door’. Consider a one-on-one meeting with your manager where you discuss an issue affecting your life and work. The manager can either turn towards you, acknowledging your concerns and showing care, or turn away by ignoring the topic and moving on, leaving you feeling unheard.

Validating another person's emotions helps build a connection.

Acts of turning toward are often small gestures of appreciation, understanding, affection, and kindness.

3. Escalation of conflict

If someone expresses disappointment in your actions, avoid bringing up their past mistakes immediately. This approach can leave them feeling confused and unheard. While it's important to discuss past issues, choose a more appropriate time. Listen and aim to improve the situation.

4. Acting against the other person

Sometimes, you might lash out at someone simply because you're upset about an unrelated issue. This withdrawal can seriously harm your emotional bank account.

5. Constantly trying to find something at fault

In relationships, you can either view things positively or negatively. For instance, if a subordinate makes you coffee, instead of seeing it as a kind gesture, you might suspect ulterior motives. Successful teams focus on each other's strengths and successes, minimizing weaknesses and failures.

6. Being constantly irritated with the other person

Emotions like anger can be persistent, much like a spring in a mattress. It's unhelpful if someone continually causes you irritation. Identify the root of your negative emotions and find ways to become more supportive. Consider taking a break to gain a new perspective. Remember, it's not solely about the other person. If they were gone, would your problems vanish?

7. Contempt

Expressions like “I know how to do that better”, “How many times do I have to tell you that...”, or “Be quiet!” undermine respect. Building any relationship requires mutual respect, so be mindful of your daily actions.

I hope you find these insights helpful. While we focus on performance at work, we are social beings who need strong relationships to thrive. Small adjustments in our interactions can often lead to substantial differences in our daily work experiences and relationships.

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