Why your backseat driver could be damaging your mental health!

We all have patterns of behaviour that we live by. It’s hard wired into us and can play havoc when we least expect it.?And whilst, they are as natural to us as breathing, we often are completely unaware they exist. We will, however, be very familiar with the influence they exert over us.

Take the following as an example.

Are you one of those people, like me, that strives for absolute perfection? Do you get frustrated when those around you, seemly put in less effort, or compromise on quality? Maybe you sit up late into the night trying to get a piece of work just right, even if it means being exhausted the next day?

In counselling these are called “drivers”. What they really tell us, is how as individuals, we see the world around us. What actions we take to get our needs met. We learn these behaviours as children, to feel okay. And whilst, they were necessary for us back then, they can often get in the way as adults. Leaving us feeling stressed and anxious.

There are two types of drivers. The first are our survivor drivers:

1.??????Be strong – this one tells us it is not okay to show emotion. We must be tough and just get on with things. To show emotion or that things are getting to us, is showing weakness. Not being able to connect with our feelings, can result in depression or physical illness.

2.??????Hurry up - this one is all about speed. These people tend to be easy to spot, as they’re usually the one rushing around trying to get everything done with barely a moment to relax and enjoy their accomplishments. Whilst they might on the surface get a lot done, this isn’t always the case and can end missing things because of speed.

The other drivers are our performance ones:

3.??????Please Others - are likeable people because they always want to make other people happy. Even at the expense of their own happiness, which can lead to resentfulness and anger.

4.??????Try Hard – these types of people are willing and happy to attempt new things, but often give up halfway through, or get frustrated and struggle. They tell themselves they are a failure at everything.

5.??????Be Perfect – we can recognise these types because they put enormous pressure on themselves. Their work may be perfect, but the stress and toll that it takes on them to produce such high level work, leaves them feeling anxious and tired.

Now that I have listed out these drivers, you’re probably starting to identify with one or more of them. We all exhibit these drivers, but there will usually be one or two that stand out more than others. The key thing to remember, is that when a task, event or situation cannot deliver on our main drivers, we start to feel out of sorts. Which can lead to stress, anxiety and in severe cases, depression. As a Salesforce career coach and trainee counsellor, I’ve spoken to individuals who have literally walked away from their dream job, because of the unnecessary pressure they’ve put on themselves.

Whilst, I’m trained to spot these drivers, the real work I do is around helping individuals to recognise when their drivers are influencing their daily lives, and how they can work around them to avoid it affecting their mental health and wellbeing. Whilst for some people, this may mean a series of counselling sessions. For many it is about just being able to recognise them, and have a few skills you can put to use, to help you manage them.

Look out for my next instalment, where I share ways that you can keep your drivers in check.