Why You Shouldn't Be Yourself
In my chronic boredom or aka anhedonia which is what my shrink calls it aka inability to derive any pleasure from anything. I began to ponder, Why do people say to be YOURSELF? What's really going on here? For most of my LIFE I was just BEING myself and was always a fucking LOSER. I'd go onto the bus for class, go home and game until 3 am and restart the day. I Didn't give a fuck about anyone or anything. I cared about NOTHING and intentionally found myself into a digital cyberland. Everything worth doing and wealth passed me by? 19 hours a day On Video games was my "full-time job" and school was just a boredom that never went away.
The problem I see with most people on Linkedin? They've never actually truly suffered. They've never been through real problems and real trauma. At best, they've been privileged neurotypicals-monkeys. 9/10 times they are never themselves and yet profess to other people to be yourself. In reality most of my time, I spent being emotionally, socially, economically stagnant while everyone else around surpassed me? They all went off to top 10 colleges and Universities, all got these big-time gigs and I had nothing to show except for a few incompleted projects, chronic procrastination and multiple addictions. I was just "being myself" and went on to waste all of my teenage years accomplishing absolutely nothing.
Everything I wanted I couldn't have? I had to watch all the fucking Jock "bros" take all the girls I fucking wanted. They got all the prestige, fame and all that I should have but didn't have. I watched other people have tons of friends and nice things but I didn't have any nice things. I was always broke and could never buy anything. I was the kid walking home alone everyday ruminating in my head. The kid going to his lunch and spending his entire day and every other day in the library as a fucking outcast in Highschool. I was viewed as a freak by neurotypical-privileged kids, every professor knew deep inside their bones I was different. I knew somehow, in the back of my mind I must be destinied for MORE. Surely, there was more to this story? I'd go home and game until 4 am on 2 hours and guess on a test and pull a decent mark.. I WAS Just being myself...Look where it had gotten me? It had gotten me absolutely nowhere, a skinny 120 white pale freak skronny kid who was on the edge. I thought I WAS Normal but I had a brain disoder called ADHD-PI. I did that and wasted a decade of my life failing to function as normal and everyday was absolute agony.
Every other day I would walk on the bus, I'd go home and just pass the time really escaping my failure. It was intrinsically the only means to put my head in the sand from my huge ego. I fucking hated other successful people. My rage knew no end and their were times where I wanted to beat the living shit out of them for simply being successful. Why were they and I wasn't? I was BEING myself and I got nothing. There was nothing to me in school? A kid who asked a bunch of useless questiosn with addictions and under-weight with semblance of any real ability. I'd walk out of every class because it bored me so much. Asking a girl out? Forget about it, They thought I was freak also.
Intrinsically, I didn't know what to do with myself? I had so many plans of granduer, I had the ambition of a lion, the hunger and the master plan. Yet the results never matched my ability. I was never the one who ran the 4:20 mile. It was Dalton, who did and I DID NOT. He was consistent and could sustain his focus through the pain. At best I was perpetually medicore and chronically missing practice and not knowing WHY?
Inside myself, was the will the desire and my absolute murderous hatred for normal people. I truly fucking hated them. I wanted to see them die. Inside me, I found this inability to focus. To Impose my will upon the world. Instead the world Imposed it's will on me. Like a beaten abused dog, I was kicked in the face over and over and over. In me, I knew if I could find a way to focus I would crush them all. I had suppressed my desire to be superior to other people and my competitive nature, because I could never focus long enough to show my true hate. While in-between I've scarcely told you anything. Other than, I was a freak and I "made an identity" of a know-it-all nerd who was superior to others and on the fringe to justify my pathetic existence. In the end, they were superior and I was the failure.
Other days, I pondered for 15 hours straight on everything, thinking until it hurt and thought even more. I couldn't control it, it wouldn't go away. Insofar as "being myself" I wondered why was I even alive? What is my purpose? I felt so useless, the only thing to do? Go Right back to my digital wonder-land so the thoughts would not punish me with their critiques, which was my high-achieving EGO. Other times, I thought of myself as a genetic abnormality, a freak accident, that should have never taken place. To be oneself was to be a genetic freak of nature, that should have been eliminated from the gene Pool.
What greater torture than to be "Yourself" and watch other neurotypical privileged kids, ACHIEVE, while you had to watch it ALL. Watch them achieve it so effortlessly, while I clearly had quicker cognition and ability to disseminate information. I lacked the ability to DO THINGS like they could. To be myself was to feel Like a fucking retard. Graduating was an uneventual chore I didn't give a fuck about in the slighest. I was going to run a "business" and show them supposedly. Obviously, that didn't pan out because I couldn't FOCUS on ANYTHING. I went on to my same behavioral addictions, I won't discuss. The RESULT? Wasted another 2 years accomplishing didly SQUAT and further getting enraged and affirming my instinctual hatred of neurotypical privilege and their executive capacities. Even from the earliest of age of even 13 I knew somehow, I was "different" than a neurotypical...I just didn't know HOW? One day around 19 I knew, I'd had enough with being myself, even as early at 15 I attempted to permanently "discipline" out the weakness out of me.
I'd GO TO THE Gym, join clubs and actively do anything I could to change myself. One day I'd become an artist, then a fire-man and this and this and this. I'd say, "We will do X activity no matter WHAT" and I FAILED no matter how hard I tried to be CONSISTENT. I failed at 16 where I GAVE IT MY all, to reach my absolute fucking potential because I HATED watching stupid neurotypical children be more successful than me. Why did they get to be popular and I didn't get to be? Again, the results REMAINED THE SAME, I couldn't impose true change to myself... I found myself missing months in my diary,despite writing everyday and I didn't KNOW WHY? At 19, I got a new prescription to treat the imaginery disorder of "ADD-PI" and will be on it semi-PERMANENTLY until I die. It was at this moment, that I realized, with my medications help, I KNEW, that PERSONALITY DIDN'T EXIST. Their is NO BEING YOURSELF. My entire life, I never HAD an identity, I didn't know who I was or what I WAS. Rather, I had been PROGRAMMED by LIFE AROUND ME TO TELL ME WHAT I WAS.
At 19, I committed myself to BUILDING My new IDENTITY of who I WANTED TO BECOME. Secretly, I knew that all neurotypicals were a bunch of frauds, I knew that they had something that I didn't have. All of a sudden I kept consistency, all of a sudden I COULD FOCUS, all of a sudden my boredom went away. ALL OF A SUDDEN I could GO to the fucking gym and FINISH WHAT I STARTED. I knew that their was NO REAL PERSONALITY, all of my behaviors were merely years of conditioned programmed form the social dynamics of my personality. I knew that, I COULD BE ANY identity, it DID not fucking matter, I could be the JOCK, The celebrity anyone I WANTED. I just had to COMMIT TO WHO I WANTED TO BECOME. I was going to rebuild myself brick by motherfucking brick and I did not give a fuck(still don't) who doesn't like it. I vowed from that day I will never BE MYSELF EVER AGAIN. I would BECOME who I WANTED TO BE until I DIED. To be yourself, is to be an ABOMINATION. To be Yourself is to be a fucking loser. To BE Yourself, is not IMPOSE your WILL ON YOUR SELF To CHANGE YOURSELF.
I remember wanting to date the hottest girl in the school. I was a arrogant nobody who clearly thought I was ENOUGH as myself as a 5'8 120 pound untanned little nerdy freak. She knew I liked her obviously and I never approached? Why? I saw the big jock 6 foot 4 weighing a whopping 240 pounds. She would frown on me in dissappoint ? Why? She saw the potential but none of the fucking results. She saw me for what I was a genetic freak of nature who's destiny had been stolen by BEING YOURSELF. The guy who did get her? He was working out 7 days a week, had a full-time job, a fat check, a CAR, and was finishing school at the ripe age 22. I CLEARLY, thought love was enough. She quickly demonstrated that BEING YOURSELF IS NEVER ENOUGH.
To this day, I could have easily dated her with NO EFFORT, If I had NOT BEEN MYSELF, but been who I WANTED TO BECOME. Intrinsically, when I arrived back to town, No one had changed, not even in the slightest. They were all fucking losers, fat, ugly, lazy, ignorant and still working the same crap JOBS. Instinctively, I find myself radically changed but NO TO WHO I WANT TO BECOME. To Be yourself, is to Let nature SHAPE YOU FOR YOU. To BE who you want to BECOME, IS TO SHAPE YOURSELF THROUGH your own imposed WILL. By doing so, we build our identity to what we want it to be. Their is no introvert and no extrovert. Their are no SET of identity traits but merely a set of behavioral patterns that you internalize, until they BECOME WHO YOU ARE.
While, ADD-PI(Primarily Inattentive), was my achiles heel, you will have your OWN ADHD limiting you and stagnating your growth. My ambition has never changed, my vision never wavered, my desire to be better than everyone grew only more and more. The more I tasted of success, the more I wanted to Drink in the knowledge-garden that God had banned me from? He told me to BE MYSELF, while everyone around me was eating the apple of knowledge and getting all of it's hidden glory. They were changing, running business empires, learning martial arts, running marathons, publishing e-books, running websites, turning multi-million dollar profits, while I had never experienced this world. I knew, deep down that I didn't want to drink from it. I would Gulp all the knowledge from the garden of EDEN and LEAVE none for you stupid privileged neurotypicals. I would not BE Myself but change myself SO MUCH that I would be unrecognizable. As the days, the months, and the years progress from, 2019-2050, I become mindful of the shortness of this one life. I become mindful of my age and the limited time that I have. I am mindful to NOT BE YOURSELF, sense you can easily waste a decade if your not so careful. As I continue onward to "Michael" my NEW ideal self and IDEAL LIFE, I may never reach it. I may never BECOME it? Yet this is NOT AN OPTION FOR ME. It is Not an OPTION TO BE YOURSELF. Its' your obligation to BECOME YOURSELF.
As the days, weeks, months and years pass into the future, I urge you to be mindful of your time. Be mindful of who you are now. Are you who you are because OF You, or because of what people told you. Even if you like who you are that's still an excuse to be a fucking loser. In order, for us to become all that we can, we must become and metamorphisize in the greater being that is to EVOLVE. Within me, I've not EVEN begun my journey into a DECADE long process, to who knows where it should take me. I implore you to be mindful of my mistakes and to LEARN and improve upon thyself. Like, in the Video game of Sims, Imagine you are the fucking Sim and to Progress to Achievement you force, your Sim TO DO and to Change. For, your only logical purpose in this world, is to Self-improve until you die. Their is no other logical imperative. Be yourself and die or Become yourself and LIVE. If their is any doubt lingering in your mind, about dating your dream girl, SHE WILL NEVER DATE YOU. WHY? Because You haven't really IMPROVED YOURSELF. Your not worth the effort. If you want rental properties, it'll never HAPPEN unless you BECOME Your financially RICH self, that you DESERVE TO BE. If you truly, want that dream-car it'll never happen unless you be Who you are destinied to become. If I am correct and we have one life, then your only logical action is to IMPROVE Right now. Their is no tommorow because TOMMOROW will already BE GONE. Poof 1 second is gone FOREVER and I'm one second older to who I want to BECOME. Deep down, I suspect God almighty chained me to the ground that is ADHD, to LIMIT me. For within me, when I find a CURE or new treatment, for ADHD-PI(primarily inattentive) I will explode and change so radically, I will leave you in your wayk. As within yourself, you shall find your own ADD(Cure-Treatment) neurotypicals, to your own success. Unlike, my self-imposed slavery you have infinite potential, for ANY life. For that I hate your guts and envy you at the same time. So Make your choice. My Reader, BE YOURSELF OR BECOME YOURSELF. It is after all your choice.... As for me...? I shall continue onward until the clock hits zero and this heart ceases, for the next individual to take my place...