Why you should reconsider bringing your B.M.W. to work (and I'm not talking about the car)

I bet this scene is familiar: you've been growing increasingly frustrated by a person or situation at work, and you go visit a trusted colleague. You peek into their office. "You got a sec?"

You close the door. You probably start with something like "listen, this might just be me," or some other qualifier, and then you let rip.

I recently told a friend and mentor that I found myself doing this more, he said, "Oh yeah, like 'let's go take a ride in my B.M.W.'"

"B.M.W? Like the car?" I asked.

"Yeah, you've never heard that? B.M.W. is 'bitch, moan, and whine.'"

I love a great metaphor, and I love a great acronym. This was both. The metaphor captures the intimate, almost exhilarating feeling of closing the door and complaining to a trusted colleague.

I think we all know the feeling well. We feel heard, and confirm that we have an ally. It's a feeling of release, of letting something out that was bottled up and under pressure. And, most importantly, we leave those discussions feeling like we are right, like we've elegantly and incisively described reality.

Here's the problem -- at a certain point, instead of describing reality, those rides in the B.M.W. may have instead created a different reality. We may have reached a consensus that something or someone was wrong or broken, but rarely did I leave with a plan to do anything about it. All I did was either create (a) a discontented bloc or (b) a perception of myself as whiny or self-serving.

And here's the kicker: the consensus or the alliance was, without me realizing it, often actually the goal itself. The end result was a shared belief that something was broken, but also a sense that we were powerless to do anything about it.

A wonderful 2018 Harvard Business Review article by Peter Bregman says it: "most people complain because they feel powerless." The article, called "The Next Time You Want to Complain at Work, Do This Instead," describes how complaining is a behavioral norm that "replaces productive engagement, reinforces and strengthens dissatisfaction, riles up others, breaks trust, and, potentially, makes the complainer appear negative." And complaining, just like other behaviors at work such as blame, is contagious.

I'm not saying that I won't continue to rely on trusting relationships at work where I can be honest and vulnerable, test out ideas, or start speaking from a place of frustration or uncertainty. Or that, if my frustrations feel particularly persistent and sticky, I won't seek the counsel of a professional coach (from whom I can count on full confidentiality).

I'm simply saying that, before hopping in the B.M.W., I'll try to apply another great acronym: "W.A.I.T. - Why Am I Talking?" If it's simply to "blow off steam," then maybe it's time to cut out a bit early and go for a run.