Why you should read this article on empathy...

French version available here: https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/concrètement-quest-ce-que-la-véritable-empathie-pourquoi-marchal/

Many of you understand that design thinking puts humanity, and therefore empathy, at the center of reflection. 

You go into the field to make observations, conduct interviews, and you use tools such as ? empathy map ?, ? user journey ?, etc. But do these observations in the field and these tools really help you become more empathetic? I don’t think so. They are not enough….  I believe it requires a transformation of your mindset more than anything….which is not so easy.

The first step is realising that we are almost never truly empathetic spontaneously. We are, in the best of cases, projecting empathy, and, in the worst of cases, judging. Numerous experiments have been carried out to show that children are naturally empathetic, and I believe this is true. However, these experiments often induce a bias: they show us children who are reacting empathetically towards other children because they project themselves into the same situations (a child cries when seeing another sad child, etc.). It’s not complicated to be empathetic towards people who are similar to you…

The challenge is being empathetic towards people who do not act like us, or worse, who act in a way that disturbs us ... We then fall into judgment very easily.

For example : 

Person A : ? Michael needs to be better organized. ?

Me : ? Are you sure that Micheal needs to be better organized? ?

Person A : ? Of course, his office is a mess. ? 

Me : ? Yeah, but isn’t it youwho needs Michael to be better organized. ? 

Person A: ? Sure, but he needs to, too. ?

Me : ? Maybe, on the contrary, he needs us to make peace with his mess, which actually works well for him. ? 

Person A : ? Ah, yes… ? 

Another example : 

Person A : ? Mary needs to delegate more. ? 

Me : ? Are you sure that Mary needs to delegate more? ? 

Person A : ? Of course. ?

Me : ? Is it not youwho needs Mary to delegate more? ?

Person A : ? Yes, it is… ?

Me : ? Maybe, on the contrary, Mary needs to control everything she is working on, and it is you that wishes she would delegate more. ? 

I often witness these kinds of exchanges…

When we want a person to do something they don’t want to do, it is often because we have conflicting needs which create tension and which should be examined ... And each one of us tries to change the opinion or behaviour of the other person by using different techniques of domination and/or intimidation and/or manipulation ... We deceive ourselves completely by thinking that this is a good way to solve the problem.

A much more constructive way to solve this type of problem is to:

?  firstly, determine the real problem in the form: "How can I reconcile needs, expectations, points of view, contradictory operations, or whatever it is that seems to be irreconcilable? "

?  and then, call on your creativity to look for possible solutions, which should be modelled collaboratively, to test, improve, communicate and experiment in snowball mode ...

The day when this approach is taught to decision-makers, the world will be a better place...

Let's go back to empathy.

The real challenge is being empathetic towards people you hate ... And why is that so essential?

Because it is the only way that we will be able to understand what the real problem is, and therefore the only way that we will be able to provide relevant answers.

Albert Einstein said, “If I had an hour to solve a problem, I would spend fifty-five minutes defining the problem and only five minutes finding the solution.” 

In order to help participants understand how difficult it is to be empathetic, after taking care to explain to the participants what empathy really is and its importance, I make them role play a situation which accentuates and highlights our typical way of thinking, with consequences that aren’t always very constructive …

One of the participants volunteers to play the role of an average person who defends an ethically unacceptable point of view (paedophilia, racism, rape, murder, etc.). The other participants must question the average person with empathy, in order to understand their point of view, the way they understand the world, their motivations, their needs, etc. The objective is clearly announced: correctly identify the real problem in order to provide better solutions. I also give instructions to ask empathetic questions which, in principal, should be open-minded.

During the debriefing, I point out that their questions were close-minded and far from being empathetic: despite the explanation of what empathy is and the clear instructions, they don't truly make an effort to understand the person… rather, they seek to make the person realise that he or she is wrong, sometimes in the hope of making them feel guilty, and/or in the hope of reasoning with them ... (for example "Do you think of relatives?")

I also make them realize that they tend to confuse "understanding" and "adhering" ... Since they are unable to adhere to the person’s point of view, it is very difficult for them to attempt to understand…

Being empathetic is not, as you might think, having sympathy for the person or wanting to support them: you must be empathetic towards a rapist to understand their motivations and therefore identify the real problem and avoid another rape. However, there is absolutely no need to support the rapist or to adhere to his unacceptable actions.

And we understand that toxic people are naturally very empathetic: they know perfectly well how to detect the functioning and expectations of other people and press the points where it hurts.

So, as a resolution for the new year, I offer some lines for reflection: Confusing "understanding" and "adhering" is a real handicap when trying to solve a problem, whatever it is.

To what extent do you distinguish between "understanding" and ? adhering"?

And do you think you were empathetic while dealing with the last problem you had to solve? How could you have been more empathetic?

Don't hesitate to share this article if you believe it could have an impact somewhere..., and to share your comments! It is always useful to raise the level of thinking and to extend our horizons!

Aurélie Marchal, translated from my article published in French in January 15, 2020