Why You Should Help Friends and Not be Influenced by Strangers

On LinkedIn the other day, I placed a very positive comment for someone who had initially shared their own interesting and useful opinion on a social and professional issue, and added my opinion in support. A stranger read my comment, and based on what they read in that 68-word extract of my 56 years, since my opinion was one that they did not personally agree with, this stranger (not the author) thought it would be OK to criticise the integrity of my character, as well as my professional standing, for all to see.

Does this individual matter to me, or have an impact on me? Of course they don’t!

Do I believe that they know me well enough, more than I quite confidently know myself, to pass an informed judgement over me? Hell no! That is precisely their failing….not my own.

We all need to remember that opinions from strangers are precisely that – they are simply the opinions from strangers, opinions that belong to them…..not to us!!  

In order for the opinions to be valid they need to be qualified.

The danger here is that too many people would be impacted by a stranger’s ignorance and failure to know their audience or treat them with respect.

This danger seems to be an output from “Social” media. Social media seems to have decided that those individual opinions either do actually matter (since everyone has seen those opinions), and so they can stamp a social judgement upon us, whereas in actual fact, there is nothing of any authority amongst any opinions that come out of our freedom of speech. It is all about sharing ideas, and us deciding if we are interested in following up on someone’s ideas – not someone who knows nothing about us telling us how ignorant or stupid we are. In fact, social media, as well as LinkedIn now, has completely blurred those personal and professional boundaries. To be clear, the platforms are not the problem, it is just how some people control them or are controlled by them.

I have built up many personal and professional acquaintances, across the planet, with whom I can share any ideas and experiences, on many different levels. More significantly I can count my trusted and intimate friends on just two hands, and some of those friends live on different continents. If I want or need to hear an opinion that matters or get some advice that would actually be useful to me, then I will ask my friends. I am sure that the same should apply to you.

Everyone is entitled to opinions and their freedom for speech, of course – but that is all it is, an entitlement, that often has not even been earned or granted – just unqualified opinions imposed upon us more and more with an assumption and conclusion that we must simply accept! This is all too common in the business  and personal environment.

The other danger is the self-doubt, anxiety and eventually the depression or negative impact to mental well-being that can grow from such encounters. Social media, as well as difficult working relationships with peers or bosses, seems to be creating an incredibly negative bubble for very many people. This, in other words, is a depression.

The depression that I come cross with friends and clients seems to be best described as a clear-tinted bubble around them, in or out of work, that they are not able to burst, for many reasons depending upon the significance of the external opinions or the ways in which the opinions are filtered internally by their own character. This bubble is tinted so that they can see out into a seemingly perfect environment where no-one else is struggling, and yet unfortunately those outside cannot see the struggles building inside. It is a bubble that is not entirely in focus, if we are honest.

So we need our “friends”, those that are close to us, whether family and friends or the HR team at work, albeit trustworthy or useful individuals who provide a meaningful focus and valuable relationship or set of opinions and who above all can be constructive or honest.

Where have all our “friends” gone? Are they all on-line with social media….so in fact are they truly friends or just absent relics or surface-level professional contacts? Do they know us and appreciate us? Are they of use to us? Are they close-by or accessible to us? Will they sit down, even from a distance, and afford us the time for a worthwhile and healthy discussion around opinions and sharing experiences? Can they make a true judgement and remark on what we say or do? We need those meaningful friends back, and those are the only friends we need to listen to.

What do we need our friends for? Simply to talk to. Whether it is about the critical triggers of loneliness, relationship problems, carer changes, feeling unsuccessful, receiving unfair criticism, making a big mistake, exploring opinions or items in the news, being in debt, or just generally feeling unwell.

After all, is not your own attitude one that you would expect your friends to bring all these issues to your attention, because you would absolutely want to help them, instead of them developing insurmountable problems? So…..why do you not treat them the same way? Just take the first step and talk to them about your problems.

If your friends were inside that secret bubble, would you not want to burst it for them, and show them that your own life has struggles? Since you are like-minded friends, who have doubtlessly shared many experiences together, you could share a few more experiences and feelings to begin to explore options, reach some decisions and steps forward together.

In that case, go looking for those other bubbles around you, either at work or outside of work. Ask the questions, talk about what is going on, be there for your friends. Help them to choose a different attitude.