This is Why You Are Sabotaging Relationships... (+8 Actionable Ideas to Build Incredible Ones)
If you own something mentally, no one can ever take it from you. Own your mistakes. Own your failures. Own your wins. Own your relationships. Make them yours. Our true success is determined by our relationships and experiences. Careers are driven by relationships. Own your career. (#CareerManagement) Relationships are either growing or dying. Make sure yours are growing.
We are what we think about. We manifest our innermost thoughts by the actions we take. Our professional and personal relationships are also a direct reflection of our thoughts regarding the relationship. If a relationship is in a bad state, trying to determine who is at fault is your first mistake. My wife taught me that one. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is, that is just wasting time. Your actions determine your outcomes.
When we understand ourselves, we can begin to understand others. Justin Bariso helps us understand the value of emotional intelligence when making decisions regarding relationships:
“Emotional intelligence involves the ability to recognize and understand your emotions, and to use that information to guide decision making.”
Key Account Performance trainer and coach Jermaine Edwards teaches:
“Your ability to become a master relationship builder is critical...This is not just about adapting to behavioral styles it’s about understanding people.”
When you work toward making sure the other person’s needs and desires are being met, you can truly begin to understand the person and the situation. This is emotional intelligence in action, or emotional competence. Knowing when the problem is too big to surpass is part of emotional intelligence. Then acting on that knowledge is what helps us separate bad relationships from good. This is emotional competence. Knowing when to keep pushing takes emotional intelligence. If the relationship is worth fighting for, don’t give up. Keep working, keep helping the other person “win”. When a leader creates winners, everybody becomes a winner. Strong relationships produce winners.
When you have problems in a relationship it is probably because You:
- Talked too much...
- Didn’t listen (because you were talking, or wanting to talk)...
- Thought your needs were more important than the other person’s needs...
- Forgot the purpose of the relationship...
- Stopped nurturing the relationship...
- Made yourself the “hero” instead of them...
You have done those things. I have done those things. We need to stop doing those things. Once you put the needs of the other person, team, company etc. at the front of your concern, your entire perspective changes. You will sell more. You will have more fun. Your spouse will like you more. You will have better relationships.
Andrew Sobel’s book, Power Relationships is a game changer. He teaches that there are 26 laws for building solid relationships and that when building “deep personal relationships” their are 4 rules that specifically apply:
- Vulnerability is Power (law #16)
- Enthusiasm is Contagious (law #24)
- Change the Environment and You’ll Deepen the Relationship (law #12)
- There’s always something, no matter how small, that you can do to help the people around you. (law #14)
These timeless “laws” create the foundation for rewarding relationships. They help us understand how our own actions have enormous influence on the the relationships we are trying to build.
4 More Ways to Build Great Relationships:
Collaborate & Communicate (not to share your ideas, but to learn and understand THEIRS)
“Nobody succeeds for long in a silo. Whatever our ventures...we can’t forget all the people who are involved in and essential to our success...Those who succeed learn from their mistakes and from the people around them...The most successful collaborators understand how to communicate respectfully and accurately.” - Faisal Hoque
Care (if you care, they KNOW, they can FEEL it)
“It only takes a second to make another person feel valued, yet the effect can last a lifetime." - Jeff Haden
Continue Pressing Forward (no solid relationship was BUILT by a quitter)
“Mental toughness: it is believing I would prevail in my circumstances rather than believing my circumstances would change.” - LaRae Quy
Contribute (provide VALUE)
“If you help others get what they want, they will help you get what you want.” - Lolly Daskal
Putting it all together: The more we help other people, the stronger our relationships become. The strength of our relationships are is directly proportional to the amount of influence we have. As we increase our ability to build relationships through emotional intelligence our personal desire to help others naturally increases. As the influential Josh Steimle says:
"Building great relationships takes time and work and presence."
We must put in the effort. It will be hard, and it will take time. Yet, the results will come. The more people we help, the better relationships we have and the more successful we become.
Your Turn: How do you build solid relationships? What experiences can you share about building relationships? Please share your wisdom and ideas so we all can learn from your experiences.
Attorney Advisor at Social Security Administration (SSA)
7 年very helpful.
Supply Base Manager @ Abbott | MCIPS, CIPS
7 年interesting article and crosses over with the work of Brené Brown on vulnerability.
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8 年A great post, Mareo, which stood out for me because of two words in your title: SABOTAGING and RELATIONSHIPS. I too, talk to clients daily about sabotage and their relationships. I talk to them about the need to recognize those in their lives (friends, spouses, co-workers, etc.) who intentionally try to sabotage their well-intentioned (and sometimes medically necessary) weight-loss efforts at every turn as well as to see their own self-sabotage habits which prevents them from achieving the very thing they want most: to lose weight to be slim and healthy. But when it comes to the ‘relationships’ part of our discussions, I focus on the most important relationship of all: the one they have with themselves. All of us at times, but especially those trying to overcome/conquer an addiction or bad habit or just get out of a bad, unhealthy situation (a human relationship, an unsatisfying job, et al), have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Until my clients understand that the relationship with themselves takes precedence over all else; until they realize they ARE worthy of being happy; deserving of being slim and healthy; until they stop accepting the bad, very negative self-talk (“I’m fat”, “I’m so overweight I’m ugly”, “I’ll never be in a good relationship because I’m obese” and the list goes on) that they themselves would NEVER accept hearing from friends or family (basically, they all tell me they wouldn't take that shit from anyone!) . . . well, then, they’ll never be strong enough to slay the devil and only have the angel to contend with! We get the relationships we think we deserve. When we’re in bad relationships, we need to change the way we think . . . about ourselves. I really enjoyed your thought-provoking post, and it has inspired me to write next week’s blog, to which I will give you credit here and at my web site. Thanks so much.
Executive Recruiter | Writer | People Loving Connector
8 年Wonderful article Mareo McCracken! Good food for thought, thank you!
Independent Contractor @ BrandFox | Campaign Management, Marketing Automation
8 年This scenario happened to me and just last week it ended a job and relationship. I wasn't appreciated; everything else was more important than me. I was even told that I was never to share personal info because that person doesn't want to hear about it. After many years of contracted work, I thought maybe we would be somewhat friends but it apparently didn't happen. Moving on to find a people that make me better.