Why You Overexplain and How to Stop It

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Have you ever caught yourself explaining a decision, action, or thought in far more detail than necessary? Perhaps you're afraid the other person will misunderstand, judge, or question your motives. This is overexplaining, a common habit many of us develop.

While it may seem harmless, overexplaining often reflects deeper emotional patterns and can be exhausting for both you and the other person.

In today’s article, I’ll discuss why we overexplain, its consequences, and three strategies for overcoming it. In the extended YouTube version, I also discuss further five tools as well as how to form better boundaries. Click here to watch.

Introduction

In both our professional and personal lives, the tendency to overexplain often reveals an underlying struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.

Overexplaining frequently stems from experiences early in life, particularly during childhood. These habits then follow us into adulthood, impacting our professional, personal, and social interactions.

Learning to recognise the root of this behaviour is the first step toward setting healthier boundaries, but making meaningful changes takes time and effort. It’s not something that happens overnight, but with awareness, practice, and repetition, we can unlearn these patterns and adopt healthier, more empowered ways of communicating.

Why Do We Overexplain?

Overexplaining is more than just providing unnecessary details. It's an unconscious habit that often reveals deeper fears or beliefs about ourselves and how we relate to others.

Here are some common reasons why people tend to overexplain, especially in the context of their early life experiences:

1.??????? Childhood Conditioning

For many, the tendency to overexplain begins in childhood. If you grew up in an environment where you were regularly questioned, doubted, or not taken seriously, you might have developed the habit of explaining yourself excessively to prove your worth.

Some children are raised in homes where approval is conditional, meaning they feel they need to justify their actions to avoid punishment or win affection.

Others may have grown up with emotionally unavailable or critical parents, which can lead to a lifelong habit of overexplaining to gain approval or validation.

2.??????? Fear of Rejection or Judgment

The fear of being judged, misunderstood, or rejected is a powerful driver of overexplaining. This fear can stem from past experiences of being criticised or rejected after expressing your thoughts or decisions.

As a result, you might believe that providing an in-depth explanation will prevent others from forming negative opinions about you or your actions.

3.??????? Desire for Approval

Many of us grow up seeking validation from authority figures like parents, teachers, or older siblings. This need for approval can carry into adulthood, where we continue to overexplain our decisions and behaviours in the hope that others will affirm our choices.

In both professional and personal settings, the urge to overexplain often stems from the desire to please others and avoid disappointing them.

4.??????? Conflict Avoidance

Overexplaining can also be a way of avoiding conflict. If you’re someone who dreads confrontation, you might feel compelled to over-justify your actions to pre-empt any potential disagreements.

By offering an overly detailed explanation, you may hope to avoid questions, challenges, or negative reactions.

5.??????? Low Self-Esteem

When people lack confidence in their decisions, they often feel the need to explain their choices in great detail. This is particularly common in professional environments where individuals may not feel entirely secure in their roles.

Overexplaining can be a way to compensate for feelings of inadequacy or insecurity, even when there’s no real reason to doubt oneself.

The Consequences of Overexplaining

Overexplaining can have several negative consequences, both for the person doing the explaining and for those on the receiving end. For the overexplainer, it can lead to mental and emotional exhaustion. Constantly feeling the need to justify your actions creates unnecessary stress and anxiety, making even simple decisions feel overwhelming.

For the person on the receiving end, overexplaining can be overwhelming and, at times, frustrating. It may come across as a lack of confidence or an attempt to overcompensate.

In professional settings, overexplaining can blur the lines between roles and responsibilities, undermining authority and reducing efficiency. In personal relationships, it can lead to frustration or create the impression that you don’t trust the other person’s understanding.

At the core of overexplaining is often a lack of boundaries. When we don’t establish clear limits with ourselves and others, we end up over-justifying our actions or decisions, believing that we owe people lengthy explanations. WE DON’T!

How To Stop Overexplaining

Setting boundaries is essential for creating healthier relationships, reducing stress, and fostering a sense of self-respect. However, learning to set and maintain boundaries takes time and practice, especially if you’ve spent years overexplaining.

Here are some strategies to help you set better boundaries in your professional, personal, and social lives:

1.??????? Recognise the Habit

The first step in setting better boundaries is recognising when and why you tend to overexplain. Do you find yourself doing it more in certain situations, such as when you’re anxious, insecure, or around certain people?

By identifying the triggers, you can begin to break the cycle. Awareness is key to making lasting changes.

2.??????? Practise Conciseness

Start by practising saying less. Instead of launching into a lengthy explanation, challenge yourself to provide only the necessary information.

For example, instead of giving a long explanation for why you can’t attend an event, a simple “I can’t make it, but thank you for inviting me” is sufficient. The more you practice being concise, the more comfortable you’ll become with setting limits on your explanations.

In fact, I did this just this morning. A client had asked me to look at their CV, but I’d been so busy that it took a few days to get back to them. My initial email went into great detail about my reason for the delay. Thankfully, I stopped before sending it, realising that they didn’t need to know all that detail, so I revised my email and instead replied with, ‘Thanks for your patience; please find attached amendments.’

3.??????? Embrace Silence

For many people, silence can feel uncomfortable, especially if they’re used to filling the space with explanations. However, learning to embrace silence is a crucial part of setting boundaries.?

After you’ve provided your explanation, resist the urge to fill the silence with additional details. Allow the other person time to process your response and trust that your explanation is enough.

The Wrap-up

Overexplaining is a common habit, often rooted in childhood experiences and reinforced by fears of rejection, judgment, or conflict.?

While the habit might seem harmless, it can have negative effects on both your mental health and your relationships. At the core of overexplaining is often a struggle with setting clear, healthy boundaries.

By practising awareness, learning to say less, and communicating your needs more effectively, you can begin to break the cycle of overexplaining. However, changing deeply ingrained patterns takes time and patience.

Don’t expect overnight transformations. Instead, focus on gradual progress and remember that learning to set boundaries is a skill that requires consistent practice, effort, and self-compassion.

What Next?

Again, in the extended YouTube version of this article, I discuss five more strategies to help you stop overexplaining and build better boundaries. Click here to watch.

If there are any subjects you’d like me to cover in upcoming content or if you'd like coaching support with anything I discuss in my videos or articles, please DM or email me at [email protected] .

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