Why you need to tune out your backseat driver, now!!!

In my last article “Why your backseat driver could be damaging your mental health!” I used my experience as a professional Salesforce career coach to shed light on learnt patterns of behaviour from early childhood, that can wreak havoc on our mental health and wellbeing. Now it’s time to look at why learning to recognise our main drivers, and more importantly when to safely ignore them, could lead to us feeling more content within our professional and personal lives.

As mentioned previously, drivers let us know when our needs are being met or not. However, these concepts were formed in very early childhood, and whilst they were useful to us back then, they’re often unhelpful later in life. Usually when our drivers kick in, we feel out of sorts. Becoming more in tune with when this is happening helps us to identify a new course of action, which over the long term will build up emotional resilience and new patterns of behaviour.???

1.??????Be strong – this is the one that says showing emotion is not okay. People who exhibit this driver tend to shut down their feelings regardless of what is going on in their lives. They also find it incredibly difficult to ask for what they want and end up isolating themselves to get their needs met.

To overcome this, ‘be strong’ individuals need to allow themselves to be more open and explore their feelings. By allowing themselves to feel, they can start to reconnect with not just themselves, but other people, too. This makes asking for what they want, or how their needs can be met by others, much easier. They’ll also start to realise you don’t need to go it alone, all the time.

2.??????Hurry up - this one that says everything needs to be done in a rush. As we discovered speed is not always a good thing, as there is never any time to reflect or enjoy the fruits of your labour. When we rush through life, we miss so many opportunities to celebrate the wins and important people in our lives.

In these situations, ‘hurry up’ needs to slow down and take time to enjoy things. Being able to savour the flavour, in all areas of life helps to build appreciation.

Appreciation for your efforts, for loved ones, for your work, even for the simple pleasures in life, such as dining out.

3.??????Please Others – are always trying to make others happy. And as we know this doesn’t usually end well for them and can lead to a build up of anger and frustration, because they often feel invisible or go unrecognised.

Therefore ‘please others’ needs to start putting themselves first for a change. By looking after themselves and their own needs first, whilst learning to be okay if other aren’t happy about it, will help to prevent the bubbling over of frustration down the road. Which in the long term will be much better for all concerned.

4.??????Try Hard – these types go through life, feeling like a failure. They’re often weighed down by their sense of self disappointment, even though they often accomplish so much. Or in some cases are too fearful of trying that they never fully understand what they are capable of.

‘Try hard’ really needs to go from try to do. Instead, of starting and stopping, or never attempting at all, they just need to be okay with doing. It’s far better to attempt something and see how you get on, even if it doesn’t work out. This way they can teach themselves to be successful, even if it means learning from their mistakes.

5.??????Be Perfect – are usually stuck on the detail and are incredibly self-critical. This internal monologue ends up piling on the pressure, so that with every task the expectations just mount up further.

The ‘be perfect’ types need to recognise that their good enough, is better than okay. In allowing themselves the flexibility to not be perfect if the task doesn’t require it, can save them unnecessary stress, and give them back time and energy to devote to things that really matter, such as their relationships.?

So now that you know what you need to do, to quieten that backseat driver. We come to the how.

How do we do it?

Firstly, it’s important to know it can be as easy or as difficult as you make it. My advice is going with the easy option. Which basically starts with being more aware. Recognise when you feel out of sorts and ask yourself – is this one of my drivers acting out. If so, which one? And what can I do about it?

Like any new thing, it will be hit and miss if you spot it the first few times. Warning to the ‘be perfect’ people. You’re going to have to learn to be okay with the fact you might not spot it straight away. But that’s okay. Like anything new, the more you practice the better you’ll get (yes that includes you ‘try hard’). Once you’re able to recognise these drivers, you can start to make a conscious effort to take the alternative route. And this is where the good stuff starts to happen. The unconscious part of our brain will start to create a new pathway to the new behaviour we want instead, which over time, will become our brains automated workflow.??

If your backseat drivers are making you feel out of sorts, then reach out and schedule a call.