Why You Need to Put The Relationship First?

First Impressions are about the connection you create with the other person. The connection should be instant, strong and positive. One of the biggest mistakes people do when they try to make create First Impressions is forgetting the other person. Focusing on what you try to sell, be it a product, idea or yourself, will not sell. By focusing on the other person, you will build a deep connection, that develops in to a relationship and this truthful relationship will then open up the possibilities you were looking for. Start with the end in your mind. Start with a deep, meaningful relationship.

We are busy and want to get things done quickly and efficiently. We are impatient and performance oriented. We want the results as soon as possible. We want the reply instantly and communication to be direct and focused. And we suffer under these modern-day expectations. Our communication has become flawed, impolite and most untalented. People talk about issues that really matter for them and they try to convince others to join them, collaborate with them, vote them, buy from them, take suggested action or just to be liked or trusted, by talking directly about the issue at hand. What they are saying is “Look at me; Listen to me; I have this fact; You should do what I say”. This one-way, direct, fact-based and professional way of communicating might appear effective and appropriate. Except it is the opposite of effective and appropriate. The direct way of communicating creates noise. A lot of noise, where people talk, talk and talk over each other. They try to convince others with facts and that is doomed from the beginning with. Because facts are individual.

“The facts you have in your mind are not truths in someone else’s mind.”

-Max Noble

The first thing we should learn about our mind is that it is not interested about facts. Facts are irrelevant. Our mind is focused in sensing, creating emotions, reactions and protecting our wellbeing. Primarily avoiding pain or finding pleasure. That is what our mind is motivated about. Not facts. The pain of arachnophobia is imaginary. The pleasure of a romantic movie is even more so. Your mind is what you create it to be.

Why is this relevant? Because the facts you have in your mind are not truths in someone else’s mind. That is so, until you find a way to make your facts the truth in the other person’s mind.

Your mind detests dictates. Especially if the order comes from unknown person without relationship with you. Facts, when presented in direct way are dictates. The earth is flat. Imagine walking on a street and all the sudden a person starts talking to you. He wants you to buy, let’s say a cell phone. He says it is the latest model and it costs a lot less than if you bought it from the neighboring shop. He has good arguments and you consider it for a while. Latest model? Costs less? He says, you got to buy it now. He has only few in his stock. What do you do? You feel the pressure, grow irritated and walk away. What happened here is the most basic mistake in modern communication. Direct communication is the way to direct no.

Truth of First Impression. Your mind is very little concerned about facts. The phone might have been the best offer you could get and you might have even needed a new phone. Also, we know most often what is best for us. We are told constantly what to do, what to buy, who to vote and how to be. Yes! We know. But we don’t feel. If we don’t like or trust the source, we simply ignore the message. We are not convinced. We listen politely and then most often just walk away. Sometimes, we choose to fight it. The direct way of communicating initiates the fight or flight mechanism in your mind because you have no connection with the person.

The second mistake people do is that they keep using the same method again and again. They keep talking about how great their product is, how smart they are and why you should do as they say and… they keep ignoring you. They are inside their own head. And yes, they might be great and their offering even more so. But they did not care about you. They cared about themselves or their idea. Direct, fact-based way of communication is egoistic way of communicating. So, we gladly ignore their message and ultimately, we ignore them.

Question: How to make a meaningful connection?

Max Noble: Don’t be like everybody else. Focused on your own issues, products, ideas or yourself. They are not real to others. Yes, you and your ideas are important, - to you and objectively seen they might be important to others too, but if they don’t like and trust you, you’ll become just like everybody else, - noise.

To avoid becoming noise or rather to matter in this life, you need to understand that we humans are created to be self-centric by our nature. Your mind’s main function is to protect you and what matters to it, is your survival and wellbeing. This is why we are utterly unconcerned about things that are not truths to us. If the world is flat, why to sail over the edge? Moreover, your mind needs to be connected to attain new information. You need to trust the person or the source before you consider the presented facts to be true.

Communication involves always two people. The sender and receiver. If they are not “tuned in”, the message doesn’t get through. All you hear is noise. The way to tune in is to forget your facts, message and yourself momentarily and let the other person in. You need find the same wave-length to communicate. Try to find answers to questions like: Who is this person I am talking to? What really matters to this person? What makes this person unique? After the initial understanding, you shall move to fine-tuning. Listen carefully, be open for the person, especially to his emotions. If you like the person, show it. If you trust the person, show it. Our mirror neurons will make sure that the emotions will return if there is a connection.

“Start with the end in mind. Start with a relationship.”

-Max Noble

The mirror neurons you have are very powerful. We love to hang-around our tribe, - they look and behave like us. We love to get confirmed about our beliefs, - it confirms that we are safe and wise. We like and trust people, who likes and trusts us. We mirror our emotions, language, body language and even our values with the people who we are well connected to. The mirror effect makes our life easier, safer and wholesome. The ultimate connection is a flawless, noiseless connection. Clear and harmonious “channel” allows us also to conduct direct, even fact-based communication. Just think about your closest, most trusted connections. If your mothers tells you: “Don’t eat that” or your best friend tells you: “that movie was good, you should see it” you are more likely to do that than if the message came out of the blue. It is all about the relationship you create with the other person.

Final Note: Your duty is not about selling, convincing or making things happen. Your duty is to create deep and meaningful relationship that enable the things to happen. Start with the end in mind. Start with a relationship.