Why You Need to "Leave" Your Workplace (While Still Working There)

I just read a fascinating research paper from 1967 that, surprisingly, holds the key to maintaining your sanity in today's corporate world. The paper, written by Dr. Murray Bowen, discusses family therapy, but its insights about emotional systems are mind-blowingly relevant to your daily life at work in 2024.

When Bowen started studying families, he discovered something remarkable: people who stayed too emotionally entangled with their families struggled to maintain clear judgment and independent thinking. But here's where it gets interesting - he found the exact same patterns in workplace environments. Just as family members get caught in emotional triangles and unspoken alliances, so do colleagues in modern corporations.

The most fascinating part of Bowen's research was his discovery about distance and clarity. He noticed that when he physically stepped away from his workplace, his understanding of its dynamics became crystal clear. But the moment he walked back through those office doors, he was immediately pulled into the emotional undertow. Sound familiar? That's because whether you're working at a tech giant or a small startup, you're not just entering an office – you're stepping into an emotional system that can consume you if you're not careful.

Think about your own workplace. Have you ever noticed how people naturally form alliances, how gossip travels through departments, or how conflicts between two people somehow always end up involving a third party? These aren't random occurrences. They're part of what Bowen called "emotional systems," and they operate in workplaces just as they do in families.

Here's what makes this so challenging: We're hardwired to seek belonging. At work, this translates into wanting to be part of the "winning team" or being the person everyone trusts with their confidences. It's an almost evolutionary response - we want to be "in" rather than "out." I see this daily in workplaces, where the desire to belong can often override our better judgment.

Most people don't realize they're part of this emotional system. They get unconsciously pulled into office gossip, team coalitions, and departmental power struggles. It's particularly challenging when you're spending 8-10 hours a day with the same people. The emotional system, as Bowen observed, literally "closes in" on you the moment you enter the building.

We often fall into roles without realizing it. Some become the office confidant, the problem solver, or the go-to person for mediation. Others fear that maintaining professional distance might cost them promotions or opportunities. These patterns become automatic, leading us to take things personally, engage in ego battles, and get swept up in team emotions.

What makes Bowen's insights so valuable is that they explain why traditional advice about "maintaining professionalism" often fails. Just as family members can't simply switch off their emotional connections, we can't completely disconnect from our workplace relationships. Instead, we need what Bowen called "differentiation" - the ability to stay connected while maintaining emotional independence.

The solution isn't about becoming cold or detached. Rather, it's about developing awareness of these emotional patterns and learning to navigate them consciously.

The hardest part? Resisting the urge to fix everything. Just as Bowen learned that therapists can't "fix" families, I've learned that I can't solve all workplace tensions. Instead, I focus on managing my own responses and maintaining clear boundaries.

Here are some daily practices you can adopt:

• Starting each day with a clear intention about emotional boundaries
• Taking regular breaks to maintain perspective
• Practicing "both/and" thinking: being both involved and separate
• Observing workplace dynamics without immediately reacting to them

The goal isn't to disconnect from your workplace relationships. It's about being present while maintaining your independence.