Why You Need to F*ck Up in order to Change the World

When I started thinking about FEM last year, I intended it to be a project that would not only be a resource for you as readers but would help me learn and grow as much as it did you.

I thoroughly believe that as small business owners we have massive transformative power. Maybe even more —or at the very least faster— than some of the big corporates who have to send hundreds of memos before moving as much as an inch on the corporate social responsibility roadmap.

There is so much going on in the world, and change and conflict seem to be popping up at an unprecedented rate. We are accelerating the pace with which we are addressing power structures and finding the countless ways that these have been unfairly skewed over the decades and centuries. And now, we are trying to make things better, make things fairer, but that process seems to be far more complicated than we may have thought. Because, as much as we want to change the system, we are also part of it and that makes for a precarious balance that we need to address both as communities and individuals.

“All my life I’ve toggled between being an activist —someone interested in healing and changing the world around me— and an ‘innervist’, a word I made up to describe the part of me that seeks inner change, inner healing. I’ve never regarded activism and ‘innervism’ as mutually excusive.”

— Elizabeth Lesser in Cassandra Speaks

Today, I want to explore this relationship between our personal growth and healing and the way we can impact the world in positive and sustainable ways. How does or should this inform the conversation and how can we create space for people to engage in this inner and outer work.

Breaking Generational Patterns

Most of the issues we are trying to address in society right now, such as misogyny, racism, inclusivity, the wealth gap, you name it, are part of societal structures and expectations that have been in place for generations. They show up in pretty much every aspect of our communal lives. These patterns are not just locked in our stories and societal structures but are even imprinted in our DNA.

Christopher M Duncan explains this generational patterning quite effectively: “Wouldn’t it be smart for animals to not only pass down genes but also fears? And for us as human beings, wouldn’t it be good to have not only genes but also some in-built learnings, some in-built ways of being so we know what to do?” This is not to say that we are locked into our DNA and cannot affect change, but it does give you an indication of what we’re up against. It really means that in order to change our societies, there is a need for us to rewrite our personal stories and programming.

Either through personal experiences or cultural influence, our ancestors figured out how to organise their world. What risks to take, which to avoid and what presumptions to make about people, their physical traits or behavioural choices. This is why creating societal change can feel so uncomfortable, even when rationally you agree with the necessary paradigm shift. As much as your conscious brain thinks the change should happen, your subconscious brain has generations of ancestors telling you that the status quo is the best way to survive because that’s how they navigated the challenges in their times. For better or worse.

Now, it’s up to us to reevaluate these beliefs and do the introspective work required to challenge these patterns. Part of that work is acknowledging and accepting that we are part of the system we are trying to change. Even the most committed feminist or anti-racist grew up in white-centric patriarchy, and we hold beliefs and follow subconscious behaviours that are shaped by that. To change that auto-pilot behaviour means we have to increase our personal awareness of when we inadvertently support the system we are trying to change. But to do that, we have to make mistakes. How else will we realise the extent of our subconscious programming?

Why Cancel Culture May Stifle Us

One of the problems that we are facing in light of this need to make mistakes, is that as a society we’ve developed a 0% tolerance for mistakes. Social media has certainly been a contributing factor to the fact that people have become increasingly unwilling to show their mistakes. We say something that people don’t agree with and we have people jumping down our throats in outrage, sometimes completely invalidating every other aspect of our person. It seems we live in a world where we can agree on 99 things, but if we don’t agree on the 100th? We cannot possibly be friends. But more than that, we can be amazingly compassionate, thoughtful and supportive people for 364 days of the year, but just because we tripped on some generational patterning one day, we are cast aside as frauds.

This extreme pressure to show up perfectly every single time is exhausting and makes it impossible to do the introspective work that is required to begin shifting the beliefs that inform our subconscious behaviour. We need to explore our thoughts and feelings and most especially we need to be allowed to fuck up, so we can learn from our mistakes.

By that, I don’t mean to say that we shouldn’t put our best foot forward and try not to make mistakes. I just mean that cancelling every person who makes a mistake, is an overcorrection of not holding people accountable at all. Perhaps the measure of the consequences should not be in the making of mistakes, but the making of progress.

The thread of social exclusion that cancel-culture contains is so severe, that it may leave people unwilling to make changes, reiterating the idea that the old structures are safer and should be clung to.

Slow and Steady Feels Frustrating

For those of us who are marginalised for our gender, shape, colour, beliefs or combination of those, the slow dismantling of these systems can feel super frustrating and aggravating. We can see the injustice and imbalance and how it is affecting everyone, and yet we keep bombing up against people who seem oblivious to the issue AND the way they are keeping it in place. We hear an otherwise quite enlightened friend say something super sexist and we think: “what the actual fuck? Can we get with the programme already?”

Slow and steady, as frustrating as it can be, does seem to be the route to the most sustainable change. Still, seeing your freedoms be trampled on by a seemingly oblivious and uncaring majority isn’t easy to swallow and can frankly be rage infusing. So, how do we deal with this frustration and speed up the change process?

Focussing on the most aggravating situations and most unenlightened voices may feel like the shortest path from where we are to where we want to be, but maybe it is not. I am sure all of us have worked with a client at some point who just didn’t want to hear our feedback, wasn’t ready for the mindset shift and generally felt impossible to work with. It’s exhausting to work like that, and it puts us at risk of burning out. The same is true for how we show up as activists in the world. Perhaps we have to consider that the most powerful way to create change is to build on the existing momentum with people who are already open to change.

Having conversations with people who are already questioning their innate patterning and programming, who are already trying to create change means we are speeding up a process that is already moving, rather than pushing against a mountain that simply doesn’t want to move. Sharing experiences, resources, inspiration and feedback with people who are willing to consider your insights and pivot when needed doesn’t just increase the momentum, but also starts that ripple effect of change through all our personal networks.

Accommodating Critical Discourse

I understand that you may feel my insistence to focus our activism on our inner work and within groups already open to change illustrates my personal privilege. I get it, and it does. I am not immune to the reflection of inner and outer when it comes to my place in the world. What I am noticing more and more though, is that we are becoming incapable of talking with each other and are losing our ability to explore and reason with people who are not 100% on our page. This trend is one that is making it near impossible to create change and examine how our subconscious mind is impacting our behaviour. And please don’t underestimate the way that ‘the powers be’ are dividing and conquering.

In order to heal our ability to have constructive discussions and learn from our collective experiences and knowledge, we need to practice. That’s easier with people who are open to that learning too. In fact, forcing people who are not ready for that learning may have the unintended effect of creating further distance. As we re-discover our skills to converse, process criticism and question our assumptions, we will become more able to extend our conversations to those who are further and further apart from our own viewpoints. Besides, by then you will have already established the people around you who can support you in those conversations.

But how do we accommodate this critical discourse in our actual day-to-day life? For me, it’s about gaining more understanding of my own subconscious and my emotional responses to things. It could mean that when a friend says something unexpected and potentially offensive, I ask questions and start a conversation that is aimed at furthering my understanding, rather than on chastising them or changing their mind. I may still achieve the latter, but I cannot set out to preach if we want to invite introspection and change in others. It may also look like seeing the best in people. Rather than focusing on their words, can I focus on their intentions?

By no means do I want to suggest you make yourself responsible for someone else’s emotional labour, or have to take crap from people. As much as I think it is important for you to open up to the conversation, you may also expect the same from others. Critical discourse requires open communication from all sides.

Supporting Each Other’s Vulnerability

However we approach our desire to change the world, one thing seems clear to me: change is uncomfortable for everyone! Even when we believe in the need for change or see how it will make our lives better, our lizard brain will still resist. However shit the situation we find ourselves in, our survival instinct would rather deal with the devil it knows. Who knows what challenges we face as we empower ourselves? Best just sit in our frustrations, because we’ve learned how to navigate this system AND the negative emotions it may bring us.

If we can acknowledge the global discomfort and desire for safety and stability, we can support each other to lean into the vulnerability to create change.

Owning our personal learning journey and leading by example are the only ways we can truly inspire change. Rather than talking the talk, we need to walk the walk. That brings me back to the reason I founded FEM, as a resource for our communal learning curve.

I may get it wrong sometimes, in which case I hope you will add your voices to the conversation. I hope we can create ripples of change through the articles, conversations and through our businesses. Let’s go on a journey together, and see if we can change the world for the better in the process!