Why you need to change how you think about speaking up, so you can appear capable and promotion-worthy

???? Welcome to the only newsletter* focussing on the personal and career development of commercial folks in the hotel and hotel distribution industry.

*Probably.

Have you ever…

• Bitten your tongue when you had an idea, thinking “surely that’s just common sense”?
• Kicked yourself when someone else in the same room said your idea out loud and everyone else nodded wisely at it??
• Held back from asking a question so you don’t look stupid, only for the thing to become a huge issue down the line which could have been avoided?

If you struggle to voice your opinion, especially in large meetings or in front of senior leaders, this is for you.?

As commercial folks in the hotel industry, we are hired to contribute and give our opinion. Any chump can read a report or pull a rate from the system, but YOU need to use your expertise, experience and eloquence to add value for your clients and your company.?

It’s an issue I have struggled with myself, especially when taking on new, bigger roles, or when there’s an outcome I really care about (hello, imposter syndrome…). I used to think “who am I to give my opinion?” and “surely they all know more than me about this.”?

If you don’t master this skill and grow your confidence, you will not come across as a leader, or as an expert in your field. You will miss out on opportunities because no one knows the wonder of what’s in your head, until you get it out of your mouth.?

Women tend to downplay what they know more than men, especially when they feel imposter syndrome. Please don’t let this happen ladies! We need more of you at the top, not fewer.

You could do yet another online training on presentation skills but you know that it’s not about getting more stuff into your head, it’s about getting more stuff out of your mouth - and no online training is going to get you there.?

Read on for four ways to speak up, build your confidence and executive presence, and get more opportunities at work.

But first, you need to understand the Spotlight Effect.?

The short version: You think all eyes are on you. But they’re not, really.?

The long version: This is that feeling when you believe that everyone is paying full attention to you, will have an opinion on everything you are doing and if you make a mistake or say something silly, they will remember it forever. This leads you to scrutinise everything you do and say.?

• Do you practise in your head before speaking out loud in meetings? Sometimes meaning you miss the chance to speak at all?
• Do you double and triple check every email you send to make sure it’s perfect??
• If you have to give a presentation, do you need all your notes written down and practise it to death before the big day?

What’s the problem with this? If you wait for everything to be perfect before speaking, you’ll only get a small fraction of your great ideas out of your head and into the world.?

Why does it happen? We have egocentric bias, meaning we know ALLLLL about what we are thinking and feeling, and use this as a reference point to interpret what is going on. So we assume everyone else is paying as much attention to us as we are. Which, trust me, they ain’t.?

(Side note, researchers proved this theory by making students in the early noughties wear BARRY MANILOW t-shirts and showing that no one noticed this pinnacle of embarrassing clobber. I can’t help but think that students these days would love to wear a Barry Manilow t-shirt ironically.)?

What can you do about it??

Number one: use your brain:body relationship to your advantage

Our thoughts influence our feelings, then our feelings shape our actions, then our actions shape our reality and therefore our future thoughts.?

For example: I think “Who am I to give my opinion? I am sure everyone else here already knows that.” Then I feel nervous, small and timid. I don’t say anything, I sit back. The conversation continues without me and someone else speaks. I think “See? They didn’t need me to speak up” and the cycle continues.?

The goal here is to catch yourself at each corner of this triangle and make a small change.?

From: who am I to give my opinion? To: I’ll try and share what I know?

From: nervous, small, timid? To: optimistic and open

From: not speaking To: speaking?

Am I making it sound too easy? Of course it won’t be IRL. Try these tips to help you:

????♀?Use breathing and mindfulness techniques to first recognise what you are thinking; that is the first step in changing your thoughts.

??Try imagining a role reversal. How many times do you think “jeez what an idiot” when someone speaks? Hopefully not that often! And it’s the same for others about you.?

Number two: get a buddy?

Do you have someone at work that you trust? Ask them to become your trusted advisor.?

It might feel scary to open up and share your fears, but I promise that they will be more understanding than you expect.?

You can let them know you are trying to speak up more in meetings, and ask them to:

• Pass you “the mic” by asking for your opinion or advice directly after speaking
• Notice when you do and don’t speak
• Give you honest feedback when you do speak, and confirm that no, you didn’t sound stupid

This external perspective helps to counteract the egocentric perspective we all start with.?

Number three: Make it about them, not you?

Like I said, we are hired to add value through our expertise, experience and eloquence. That means adding value to other people.

Your job is to help other people.?

??Instead of worrying what other people think if you get something wrong, think about all the ways you can add to the conversation.?

??Brush up on your active listening skills, so rather than get lost in a rabbit warren of worry, you focus on other people and what they are saying.?

??Take the spotlight off you and onto them. Literally, imagine yourself with that spotlight above you, reach up and turn it around onto your audience. They are the most important thing now.?

Number four: prove to your brain that it’s working?

Your brain loves security. It will do everything it can to keep things the same. You aren’t dead yet, so whatever it’s been doing so far must be working, right?

To help it change, you need to give it evidence.?

Try these tips, one step at a time, and then NOTICE what happened and tell your brain about it. Don’t rely on your subconscious to just notice that no one pointed and laughed at you - it’s too busy worrying.?

Prep: Before an important meeting, plan one or two actions you will take to help you speak up.

Do: During the meeting, get out of your own way and do it.

Review: And afterwards, take a minute to recognise yourself for speaking, and to really remember what the reaction was in the room. This will show your brain it is safe and it can stop worrying about doing those actions - and BOOM your comfort zone just got bigger. Rinse and repeat.

Find your voice

Getting comfortable with speaking up is about getting a new perspective, taking action and stretching your comfort zone bit by bit.

By doing this, you will grow in confidence, come across as more capable and knowledgeable, and increase your promotionability.?

Let me know how you get on!

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If you want some support, like, now! Then set up a free discovery call with me here. I offer communications training as well as private coaching.