Why "You look good for your age" isn't the compliment you think it is.
Emma Hughes
Senior brand & content manager for leading innovation software brand and weekend entrepreneur
Fresh (well, not fresh) back from a 4-day trip to Ibiza, I and nine other 'women of a certain age' enjoyed the sun, sea, and good vibes of the White Island. Not there to 'have it large', we opted for tapas and tunes over all-nighters and anxiety. That's not to say we didn't give the all-inclusive bar a good talking to, and I think I managed a total of 15 hours of sleep, but suffice to say, it was more of a grown-up(ish) girlie holiday.
Large groups of girls often attract male attention; this is, in my experience, a fact of life. This occasion further proved my theory. On one of our beach days, our gaggle, which was a mix of mid-forties and mid-fifties, appeared to become a magnet to a group of boys of the age we could have birthed. Some of us indeed have children around their ages.
One of the boys inquired about one of the girls' ages and, hearing the results of this query, commented that they 'looked good for their age,' which prompted her to ask what they meant by this. Did they look good for an old bird?
I believe this compliment did come from a good place, but it triggered a conversation around the continued pressure for women to look 'young' and the expectation that when you reach a certain age, you look 'old.'
I personally have no problem with my aging body, and to be fair, my Ibiza crew feels the same. On more than one occasion, we complimented younger girls on how amazing they looked in their sequinned clubbing attire, with their toned bodies and glowing skin. I, too, was glowing, but largely down to hot flushes (heat + menopause = DOUBLE HOT).
We concluded with the young man in question that rather than saying, 'You look good for your age,' they just stop at 'You look good.' Why can't we compliment people on their beauty today rather than how it compares to yesterday? Why does age even need to be a factor in this conversation?
I'm not bragging, promise, but I am sometimes told I look younger—which I'm never sure how to take—because, on the one hand, it perhaps means I'm looking after myself well, but on the other, I wonder if this means I come across as immature, inexperienced, or unwise for my age.
Anyhoo, the moral of the story is that while compliments rock, make sure your compliment isn't loaded and aimed at menopausal women—because we'll be coming for you.
Business Owner, Qualified Teacher with specialisation on Music, Art & Design & PE, Stott certified Pilates instructor, Aerial Yoga, YogaWheel, Aqua, Personal trainer, Fashion Designer
7 个月Thanks for standing up for us, Emma ??
I'm 69 next Monday. But you wouldn't believe it! ??
Senior brand & content manager for leading innovation software brand and weekend entrepreneur
8 个月Inspired by our Samantha Evie Palmer ??
Great piece, Emma. I'm not sure when the "for your age" thing creeps in but trust me (67 years old) it's not just a female thing. When we were teenagers trying to get an under-age drink in a pub we were thrilled to look "older than our age". We then hit the period of our lives when were were trying to gain points in the corporate rating and were thrilled to be "mature beyond their years". Then comes the "you look to be too young for kids" period. After that it all starts to go downhill. I have reached that point in life where everything gets the "for your age" tag. I'm a Crossfitter so I hear "wow, you're really active ......" you guessed it - "for your age". If I show a modicum of interest in any music released in the past 5 years then I am "really hip......... for your age". I am not overweight and look after myself resulting in my version of "you look good for your age" ( i.e I'm still breathing). I do occasionally get the qualifier of "my grandad looks like a complete wreck and he's your age" I suppose it's something you have to get used to. Compliments with a qualifier. Oh and Emma - you look good !!!!