Why You Keep Saying "Yes", When "No" Is A Better Choice

My friend Bob, a self-professed out-of-shape admirer and supporter of his son’s hiking interests, told me how they convinced him and his wife that they should go with them to Havasu Falls in the rugged canyons of Arizona.

The 40-mile “never-ending” hike, 40-pound packs, times of unbearable temperatures, rugged steep trails, thirst, weariness, and beautiful scenery led to feelings of awe and many moments of “Why did I let them talk me into this”?

When they finally returned to where their vehicles were, Bob slipped into the port-a-potty and offered two very sincere prayers while there.

“God, thank you so much for helping me to survive this trip and for our safety.” Then, “God, please give me the power to say “NO”, the next time they ask me to go”!

As I reflected on what Bob had shared with me, I smiled but then thought about my own experiences and the conversations I have had with many leaders of families and businesses, who often, because of a lack of awareness and understanding find themselves on their own mental “40-mile, exhausting journey” into what I call the “canyon of “self-sacrifice”.

My experience has shown that sacrificing our time and talents to lift and serve others is a critical piece of how we are wired, and when we do not have this in our lives, we can feel empty, lonely, and unfulfilled.

However:

Sometimes this shows up on a 40-mile walk through canyons; and, sometimes, this shows up with (as it did for one of my clients) believing that we only have worthwhile serving others—investing in others-- and feeling guilty about investing in ourselves!

A client shared that with all of his sacrifices-often doing them out of obligation not heart, he felt something was missing in his life-feeling empty, often thinking-…” If I only didn’t have to deal with people life would be good”.

For him and many of us,?the chase for self-worth through obligating self-sacrifice is exhausting, not fulfilling, living in the expectation that they can’t say “no” because of being unaware of the pseudo unreal subconscious messaging that drives them to say yes.

Strong relationships are reciprocal.?They are built not to give-or-take, but to give-and-take.?If we sacrifice ourselves fully—we sacrifice the most important relationship in our lives—the one with ourselves.

If it would serve you to identify and stop self-sacrificing that can be suffocating the self-worth of yourself or your team, let’s talk.