WHY YOU HAVEN'T LEFT THAT TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

"Your appointment comes with an official car and an apartment in Ikoyi". Ifeoma's boss had said as he gave her the employment letter and the keys to her house and car. She grinned from ear to ear, savouring the moment. The case was different three months later. With tears in her eyes, she wished she had not taken the job as it slowly dragged her into depression. She lost self-confidence, which became apparent to everyone at work and her mom. But what could she do? Leaving a job that came with a house and car asides, her salary was not even an option.

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When she confided in her friends, they looked at her like she was dumb, "Do you know how many unemployed people would pay to have your job? Just hang in there. At least the pay is great." her friends would say. Ifeoma's boss was a tyrant. Whenever she had ideas to add value to the company, he would ask her if she wanted to take his job. He would fire his colleagues at the slightest mistake, and everyone walked on eggshells around him. Thus they dreaded his presence because of his aggressiveness and constant mood swings.

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Deji's case was the same. He couldn't remember the last time he felt peace since marriage. His wife was never satisfied with whatever he provided. "My friends use iPhone 14, and I don't want to use anything less". He had pleaded with her that night so she would allow him to get some sleep. But she nagged him all night and refused to prepare breakfast at dawn. That was one of the many times Deji was deprived of sleep because his wife wanted something her friends had.

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"She was never like this. Deji told his Doctor in one of their sessions. "Before marriage, she was kind and affectionate, but now she always picks a fight with me. Sometimes I prefer not to go home than to go home to a woman who wouldn't give me peace. But I can't. I have to be there for my kids, I don't want them to be like their mum, and her Dad owns the company where I work".

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Substituting the benefits of a toxic relationship for the emotional stress that comes with it is a common trait among people despite its dangers. A toxic relationship is not favourable for anyone because it makes them feel inferior and disadvantaged. Insecurity, excessive romantic jealousy, narcissism and selfishness, dishonesty, negative comments or criticism conceal toxic relationships.

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Riffayanti et al. (2022) believe that a relationship where one party feels unsupported, underestimated, attacked, or demeaned is toxic because these actions are a form of negative behaviour that can affect the victim's mental health through the physical, psychological, or emotional aggression displayed by the other person. Relationships like this make the victim vulnerable. Thus, they become unproductive, which can trigger mental disorders that lead to violence (Julianto et al.,?2020).?

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While it is normal for any relationship to have conflict or for the people involved to hold different opinions, when one begins to feel depressed, threatened and forced, it could indicate that the relationship is toxic and that it's time to let go. However, this is where most people need help. Despite the red flags, they cannot leave a toxic relationship.

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The need for love, companionship and security puts people in toxic situations or relationships that affect them beyond what they envisage. Some people think unhealthy relationships are found only in those romantically entangled; toxicity can also be experienced between friends, colleagues, and family members. However, some people choose to stay in toxic relationships or environments with reasons ranging from fear to loneliness, with rejection lying in between. Some prefer to wait for selfish reasons or the materialistic benefits attached, while some stay because of their love and empathy for their partner.

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Though, it is not easy for some people to cut off abusive or toxic relationships because they have gotten used to the dopamine associated with the toxicity and have created a trauma bond; hence they crave a toxic environment when it is not there or go in search of another partner or relationship that is more toxic than the last because experiencing abuse in an unhealthy relationship has been associated with an increased likelihood of repeatedly entering and experiencing unhealthy relationships in the future (Exner-Cortens, Eckenrode, & Rothman, 2013).

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To Pietromonaco (2017), the quality of our relationships, whether toxic or good, has a massive impact on our health and well-being because they do not just positively affect us but can affect immune function, regulate stress and mood, affect motivation, coping skills, eating and exercise habits as well as our endocrine function and nervous system activity. Thus, any form of close social relationship involving any form of violence is toxic and deteriorates the mental and physical health of the victim involved (Shonkoff & Garner, 2011).

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For any relationship to be harmonious, it requires immense effort, participation and compassion between the parties due to its impact on health, development, and survival. Studies have shown that individuals with adequate social relationships have a 50% survival rate higher than those with poor social connections (Smith, 2017).

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References:

?Exner-Cortens, D., Eckenrode, J., & Rothman, E. (2013). Longitudinal associations between teen dating violence victimisation and adverse health outcomes.Paediatrics,?131, 71-79. doi:10.1542/peds.2012-1029

Pietromonaco, P.R., & Collins, N.L. (2017). Interpersonal mechanisms linking close relationships to health.?Am Psychol?72:531–42.?

doi: 10.1037/amp0000129

Rifayanti, R., Lisda, S., Theresia, D., Uli, P., Syakila P. A., & Salchania, M. (2022). Phenomenological Studies: Adolescent Toxic Relationships.?European Journal of Humanities and Social Sciences?

Shonkoff, J.P., & Garner, A.S., (2011). Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health, Committee on Early Childhood, Adoption, and Dependent Care. The lifelong effects of early childhood adversity and toxic stress and the section on developmental and behavioural paediatrics.?

129:232–46. doi: 10.1542/peds.2011-2663

?Smith TW, Baucom BR. Intimate relationships, individual adjustment,?

and coronary heart disease: implications of overlapping associations in?

psychosocial risk.?Am Psychol.?(2017) 72:578. doi: 10.1037/amp0000123

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?ABOUT COACH ADETUTU

Coach Adetutu?is a Pharmacist, Co-founder Hazon Holdings, MD/CEO Wellness Healthcare group, health tech enthusiast, Emotional & Mental Wellness Coach and Doctoral Student, her earnest desire is to influence individuals to make healthy lifestyle choices.

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