Why You Don’t Feel Successful - and What You Can Do

How does success feel? It is a feeling of accomplishment; of excited relief. It manifests in a conscious lightness of the body, a relaxation of the chest and stomach muscles accompanied by a bubbling inner wellspring of what we may call delight. At news of success, the mouth stretches easily into a smile and sometimes opens up to a laugh, to joy. One is happy to be alive, to have conquered one’s fears and challenges. The evidence of success doubles as evidence of one’s mastery of self and world. If you have had this experience, you are fortunate.

What if you’ve passed the tests, met the targets, ticked off the bucket list item, won the contract, got the job, had the retirement party, but all you feel is an emptiness? ?The first step to reversing such low feelings is to figure out why they arise in the first place. Here are 7 reasons why you may not feel successful and what you can do. [DISCLAIMER: This self-examination requires truth and courage and I dare say, ease with identifying and acknowledging one’s shortcomings without beating oneself up. The benefit is that once you know what is wrong, you can take the step to making it right.] Here goes:

1.???You cannot honestly claim the success as yours:?Let’s start with what may be the toughest truth: You didn’t do any work yourself. When neither your mind nor your body can recall efforts made towards achieving a goal, you cannot feel successful. You can pretend it, and others can pretend along with you but…our feelings don’t lie. If you have got others to do things for you or just struck luck, your feelings cannot arouse the same sensations that you get when you have actually set a goal and worked for it yourself. In this instance, the feeling of emptiness is real and true – Deep within, you know. So, set a goal, any goal. Work for it yourself. See how you feel.

2.???You are with people who do not compliment success: An environment that does not validate achievements whether it is because parents, guardians, teachers, bosses, have no time, or adopt an approach that pays more attention to you when you get things wrong than when you get it right, removes any joy from achievement. If you are with people who dismiss or belittle your efforts towards a goal or who refuse to acknowledge your success, reality is distorted. Instead of being elated after achieving a goal, you feel empty and confused. This feeling is real and true as well. This is where social media appears to be a blessing if you are minded to share your achievement. [Advice for onlookers: “Don’t compare how you feel inside to how others appear outside” (entry for 21 Sep 2021 from ActionforHappiness)]. ?If you do not wish to stay in a permanent state of confusion where you cannot feel successful owing to negative or bland people around you, you must take responsibility for celebrating your achievements. Reward yourself. Compliment yourself – Hint: Mirrors are very useful for this purpose.

3.???You do not practice self-reflection: Without self-reflection it is almost impossible for one to know how far one has come on life’s journey, or to know what has worked and what has not. If you have been successful, moments of self-reflection will bring this knowledge forward even if you have forgotten. Self-reflection will also alert you to the need to set new goals to meet your needs, and how to take action. Self-reflection re-awakens the joy of past successes, elevates your mood, and assures you that you are capable of future successes. Take time to reflect on your life and note your successes. Feel the joy that wells up within. Stay with that feeling for as long as you can. Do this often.

4.???A lack of self-awareness: Self-awareness is the capacity to acknowledge your needs, concerns, feelings; it is the ability to see yourself as a person of intrinsic worth and value. Sadly, the more we become part of wider society, the more we may lose ourselves. School, the work place, religion, community, family, political and social groups are partly to blame – as each unit seeks conformity with its ideals and values, the individual loses his/her own innate sense of value and worth. Without seeing oneself, it is so easy not to see one’s achievements or even to determine what you actually want to achieve! This issue is one that requires more than a few words to explore, especially because people are praised for being self-effacing (read: forgetting themselves); and for being people-pleasers (read: holding others as more important). The consequence is that real achievers may be pressed upon to ‘be humble’ so that in a macabre sense of justice, those who are not achievers will not feel bad. It is possible to be proud of one’s achievements and not be a proud empty person. Those who achieve the most are usually quite calm; they are not loud, neither do they call attention to themselves by expressing a false humility – making themselves smaller than they truly are. They are comfortable in their own skin and take their success in stride. Be proud of what you have been able to do and go on with life calmly – no more than that is enough.

5.???A lack of gratitude: Life it appears, is its own validation. When good things happen to us, it is as if we must acknowledge it or else lose the feeling that comes with that success. That acknowledgement is gratitude and I am not talking only about the gratitude of prayer although that is important. I am talking about real-time gratitude. Those who are grateful attract more. Thank your body and mind, for doing what you asked of them. Thank those who helped you. Thank those who celebrate you. Thank those who rewarded you with success. Start being more grateful for everything, the air you breathe, the kindness you experience, the beauty you see, the life you have, the opportunities that brought/bring you success. Say thank you - You will notice a difference not only in the way you feel, you will find more opportunities to be grateful coming your way. You can thank me later…

6.???People (and organisations) interfere: This is something one has to be alert to. There are those who being opportunistic, lie in wait for you to see if you will succeed and then claim the honour with you. They may have been of no real help even if they were present on your journey but they are somehow entitled to your success, so they cut your joy in half! Some can sabotage your plans and others not being very enlightened themselves, give bad advice. If you are robbed of your initiative for success, and robbed of your praise, you cannot feel successful. Be alert. Take not only ownership but leadership of your goals, your efforts to achieve them and the feeling of satisfaction that comes with that success.

7.???Low self-esteem: We started with the toughest pill to swallow and we end with the saddest: Low self-esteem means that for the most part, you rely on others’ standards and social approval. You have not made yourself accountable and responsible for yourself which means that you will constantly be waiting for motivation to take action towards a goal or, to be applauded for success. Yet, it is how you feel about yourself that ultimately determines how you perceive your worth; this is why external honours are never enough. If you feel empty, nothing can fill you except yourself. Being responsible for oneself, setting goals, thinking of how to achieve them, taking the initiative on what to do can be very scary no matter how old you are.?Yet, one has to grow up and an important aspect of growing up is not waiting for someone to clap before you know you have achieved something worth clapping for. If you rely on others’ approval all the time, you hand over power over yourself including the power to be happy, to others. That is dangerous for self-esteem and wellbeing. Instead, seek advice and learn from others but ultimately you have to be self-responsible as an adult. Take the initiative. Think on how to achieve what you truly wish for. When you succeed, give yourself a cheer of approval. If others join in, great. If not, you’re still the boss.

Success here has been looked at from the perspective of an achieved set positive and beneficial goal, big or small. SET GOALS. WORK FOR THEM. CELEBRATE YOUR ACHIEVEMENTS. ENJOY THE FEEL-GOOD FEELINGS THAT ARISE!

With best wishes,

Elimma.