Why You Can’t Win Arguments (And What to Do Instead)

Ever sent someone a fact-check article expecting them to change their mind, only for them to double down even harder? Tried to convince a friend, colleague, or family member of something obvious, only to watch them resist, deflect, or outright reject what you’re saying?

Yeah, persuasion is a tricky business.

The problem? People don’t change their minds because of facts—they change their minds based on how those facts are framed. And most of us go about it all wrong.

This is exactly what I break down in my latest FUNK !T Podcast episode: How to Actually Change Someone’s Mind (Without Arguing). But for those who prefer reading (and this week I'm not even mad as I recorded the ep while being sick - apologies!), here’s a quick deep dive into why logic alone doesn’t work—and what actually does.

Why Facts Don’t Change Minds

We like to believe we’re rational beings, making decisions based on logic, evidence, and reason. The truth? Most of our decisions are driven by emotion, identity, and cognitive shortcuts.

?? Psychology backs this up:

? Elaboration Likelihood Model (ELM) – Some people process information logically, but most rely on quick emotional shortcuts.

? Confirmation Bias – People dismiss information that contradicts their beliefs while seeking out info that confirms what they already think.

? Framing Effect – The way you present information matters more than the information itself.

? Inoculation Theory – People preemptively resist persuasion by reinforcing their current beliefs.

So when you hit someone with cold, hard facts, their brain doesn’t go: “Wow, I’ve been so wrong! Thank you for enlightening me!”

Instead, their brain goes: “DEFENSE MODE ACTIVATED!” ??

How to Actually Change Someone’s Mind

If you want to be persuasive without triggering resistance, you need to work with the brain, not against it. Here’s how:

1. Use Cognitive Dissonance (Let Them Prove Themselves Wrong)

People don’t like feeling inconsistent. Instead of arguing, ask questions that force them to reconcile contradictions in their own beliefs.

?? Example:

? Instead of saying: “You’re a hypocrite for claiming to care about the environment but driving a gas-guzzler!”

? Ask: “Do you think switching to an electric car would be a good long-term solution?”

Now, instead of resisting, they’re considering the idea themselves.

2. Tell a Story, Not Just a Fact (Framing Effect)

Facts are forgettable. Stories stick. If you want someone to feel an idea, frame it in a way that resonates.

?? Example:

? Instead of: “Meat production is destroying the planet.”

? Say: “Switching to one plant-based meal a week has the same impact as taking a car off the road for three months.”

It’s concrete, actionable, and frames the argument in a way that feels achievable instead of overwhelming.

3. Plant the Seed Instead of Forcing the Issue

People don’t like being told what to think. But they love discovering things on their own.

?? Example:

? Instead of: “You need to work out more.”

? Say: “Have you noticed how much better you feel after a workout?”

This subtly nudges them toward agreement without making them feel like they’re being forced.

4. Trojan Horse Technique: Start With Agreement

If someone feels like you’re on opposite teams, they’ll resist. If you start from common ground, they’ll be way more open to hearing you out.

?? Example:

? If someone hates social media censorship but you want to discuss misinformation, start with:

? “Yeah, I get why people don’t trust platforms controlling speech. But what do you think happens when false information spreads unchecked?”

Suddenly, they’re engaged in a discussion rather than preparing for a fight.

Final Thought: Influence Is About Strategy, Not Force

You can’t bulldoze people into changing their minds. But you can help them reconsider their beliefs—if you do it strategically.

? Don’t: Throw facts at them and expect instant agreement.

? Do: Ask questions, frame ideas effectively, and let them reach the conclusion themselves.

If this resonates, check out my latest FUNK !T Podcast episode for a deeper dive into the science behind persuasion and why arguing is usually a waste of time.

What’s the last debate you got into? Did you win—or just walk away frustrated? Let me know in the comments! ??