Why you can't be friends with your boss

I tend to suffer from “my boss can walk on water” syndrome, probably because I have worked for some of the most incredible people who have all taught me invaluable lessons over the years.

Its not that your boss doesn’t deserve friendship, in fact I keep in touch with most of my ex-bosses, but its during the period when they are your supervisor, that blurred line actually works against you.

Here are some of the lessons I’ve learnt the hard way:

Reason 1: There will always be a gap

Whether its where you sit on the food-chain, the difference in how you handle things, how you communicate amongst your own kind, generational, your knowledge base, cultural differences or social standing, unless promoted, you will never be on equal footing. And that’s okay, because if knowing your place in the world is a driver for you, then use it. Use these differences to your advantage, observe, in some cases mimic. Even if they are not a “great” boss there is a lesson in there. They got where they are by doing certain things differently to you, so pay attention to those differences.

Reason 2: Knowledge is power

Personally, I’m a bit of an open book. I would like to believe that if you present yourself in your truest form, then trust with your boss can be easily obtained. Probably because its my nature, I tend to do it time and time again, and never seem to learn. You see, it does work, but in order to facilitate “respect” as well as “trust” sometimes you have to “close that book”. Have an amazing cover, a gripping foreword, and even some great write-ups, but leave some mystery. If your boss ever thinks they have you pegged, then they have underestimated you. You don’t have to act like its your interview every day, just keep in mind that the more you give away, the more it cements their “understanding/mis-understanding” of you and it can be used against you should there ever be any conflict or if your “nice” boss turns into a nightmare.

Reason 3: Perception is (not) a funny thing

I can be relied upon for a number of things:

1. calmness and kindness
2. innovative and critical thinking
3. logic, interpersonal and intrapersonal intelligence
4. sense of humour

Now, it depends on my audience. I tend to gauge a situation, and if I feel we are “losing” people in a meeting due to the complexity of the subject, or there is a very tense moment, I find a quip can get everyone back in the room and re-focused. I think humour at the workplace to a degree is important, otherwise work becomes soulless, joyless, with high-turn-over-ness. Even if your boss has an incredible sense of humour themselves, you can almost always guarantee that they do not appreciate it coming from you. One of the reasons being, is they see you as a representation of themselves. These “quips” give you an air of unpredictability as they don’t necessarily know what you are going to say next. While most will have no issue (as long as your humour is high-brow and well-timed), that laugh from your boss will always have nervous undertones to it.

Reason 4: Don’t let them get too comfortable

I love a good mentor. I always seek one or two people out as I want to be in a constant state of learning. Usually the most accessible mentor is your boss. You have a front row seat to their cognitive processes, their business practices, how they handle situations and inter-office politics. All the exposure, but little risk. I always like to let my mentor know that I am observing them and welcome any advice they might impart on me. By not letting them get too comfortable with you enables the advice to be more considered and high quality. If you become too friendly, they start to think they can say pretty much anything to you without giving it much thought, and it becomes more of an exercise of them liking the sound of their voice than something of value. The advice can also become a bit too personal, and it goes from being helpful and constructive to being unnecessary, unwarranted and unsolicited.

Reason 5: Death by association

You would like to think your boss got to where they are though their tenacity, their hard work, their considerable experience and their qualifications. But, every so often you will come across someone whose appointment in that position is a complete mystery to you. Everyone of us will one day work for a bully, someone completely out of their sphere of capability, a drama queen (male or female), a boss who "must have interviewed well", or that insufferable prat who keeps getting promoted because the business are trying to make it another department’s problem. These “non-qualities” are not always immediately apparent, so aligning too quickly could prove your death-nell. That is why it is essential that when you find yourself in a new place, or with a new boss, hold judgement, be friendly and helpful, but don’t go into battle too early. We are not only judged by the work we do, but by the alliances we make.

Reason 6: Because they are human too

Its hard to imagine I know, but your boss is a human being. More than likely, deeply flawed like all of us. Keeping a level of professionalism can make all the difference between them having a bad day and taking it out on you, or them just keeping their grumpy-pants locked in their office. While there are some bosses who lash out down the line (they get yelled at... they yell at you... you go home and kick the cat), most will always keep that mantra “act professionally” in mind. If you have become “friends” with your boss, the chances of them letting their guard down at work increases expeditiously. If it helps them confide in you and make them feel better, then great, but if it means they take it out on you (because you always hurt those closest to you), then not so great.

Reason 7: Not everyone has the same heart as you

A friendship with a boss is usually more one sided then you realise. They may not have your level of emotional intelligence, they may use it against you (for those extra hours), but don’t expect to really get anything back from all your investment. Out of all of my bosses (as great as almost all of them were), I only ever got invited over for dinner by one of them. Even that gesture (when I think about it) was only because they wanted to start their own business and wanted to steal me from the company. And you know, that is okay. I guess, it is a dream when you are young and inexperienced, that you will work for someone amazing and since you spend so much time together that you will become friends, but its only through experience (and sometimes, lots of it), you will realise that it’s a blessing that it remains the status quo.

It’s a relationship where you go through a lot together, so keeping it professional is the best way of keeping it healthy. At least I can say, with all these incredible people I’ve met along the way, some of them I now call friends.