Why You CAN Do Whatever You Want in Life.

Normally I’m the one who writes funny articles – life sucks if you can’t laugh (or so I tell myself) so I write things to help people with a funny tinge throughout. So, this one may be a bit out of the norm but I think it’s necessary today. Hopefully, it helps someone who has been, is currently, or may face a similar situation in the future. Stick with me. I put a few giggles throughout just to keep your attention until the end!

Our career lives can be a thrilling adventure, mixed with highs and lows much like a rollercoaster. In the end, the only thing that matters, truly, is if we loved what we did so much that we stayed on the ride all the way till it pulled back into the station at the amusement park. Did you have a moment of joy on the ride? Or were you the one in the front car that yacked their funnel cake all over the rest of the riders in the middle of the second loopty-loo because someone convinced you this was the ride you had to go on?

Early in my career, I was extremely lucky to have an amazing set of leaders. They saw something in me that I wasn’t sure I would have ever found on my own. I only knew that I loved working with people, talking to people and hearing their stories, but I had no idea that could translate into a job in recruiting and human resources (weird, people-focused work for someone who loves socializing with people – not my brightest moment). You see, my goal at that point in my life, as a young woman entering the workforce, was to make money, make a name for myself, have a fancy job title, and ensure that my life mattered through finding validation in my career. It’s what we’re trained to do as adolescents. Go to college, get a degree, get a good job, work your way up the ladder, make tons of money and then you are successful. They tell us to be someone that the world sees as successful. How would I do that just getting people jobs? Those early leaders in my career saw me, a person, not a label, but saw potential in my motivation and attitude towards life. They pulled the rabbit out of the hat and still to this day no magician will tell me how that trick works.

For years in my young adult life, I willingly wore labels (and no, not the kind of clothing I wore, I was too poor for that!).  I wore labels like preacher’s kid, councilman’s daughter, cheerleader, goofy girl, pretty girl, couldn’t possibly be smart, and more. I was happy, pretty much all the time (irritating I know) and so people judged who I could be as a person based on my attitude and demeanor. Then, as I slowly grew to find my voice in my early career in leadership, I was given new labels like green, too young, abrasive, woman (yes this one is still real) rigid, can't succeed and worse.  Seriously, some of my jobs I was living the real-life version of Mean Girls. What was so hard for me to understand was how the labels shifted. I was still the cheerful happy people-person I always had been but now I just stood up for people, their careers, their paths, and what they loved doing. I always stood up for what was right. In my world, that meant people were threatened by my voice and they gave me all those new labels to make me feel like my work was no longer a good thing. They gave me labels to make me question my voice and try to silence it. I struggled to understand if I knew who I was at all in my work. It’s not easy to think you know what you stand for but to have others tell you that you’re not what you think you are. Then the lightbulb moment. The issue wasn’t me, the issue was them. Nothing in me had changed except my confidence to be bold in doing what I knew was right in life and work for everyone. My quiet, sometimes shaky, trembling voice, now had confidence, it had a boom to it, it stood tall, and it didn’t waver when it spoke of doing what was right. Think Oz behind the curtain in the Emerald City booming – I knew that my voice had the power to help people and once I found it, I never let it soften again when challenged by others who didn't want to hear the message.

This past week was mixed with highs and lows in my life and career. The things I have always known about myself, the talents I know I have cultivated and grown within me, the voice I now feel confident speaking, they were all challenged in so many ways. All the labels I was given in my life somehow came back to confront me of “why I would never” and why I should just give up and start over. The confident voice in my mind slowly became a whisper and within moments disappeared altogether. I think we all have these moments in our lives where the labels the world gives us make us question whether or not we can succeed. Labels of our young lives like four-eyes, geek, jock, teacher’s pet, etc. change to the labels of our career lives like boss, newbie, failure, underperformer, over-achiever, risk, and threat. But those labels never leave our memory and can sneak up to attack us in moments of adversity. We begin to see our work and our mission through the eyes of other people labeling us and it becomes an emotional rollercoaster that leads to nothing but doubt, questioning, and loss of self-esteem. We have lost the ability, momentarily, to see our work through our own eyes and our own filter of what we think, feel and believe. Even the strongest voices tremble sometimes when challenged. The whole sticks and stones saying is B.S. - I promise you. Words, accusations, labels, generalizations, criticism, all of these things can hurt. It doesn't make you weak to have feelings, it just makes you human.

After a crazy week and an even worse Friday, when I got home I had to stop and pause. When you question yourself, sometimes it is best to call a time-out before your brain starts spiraling out of control in an ever-deepening trench filled with “what if”, “how could this be” or “maybe they’re right”. Pause. I had to force a pause because I let myself be swallowed by the doubt and self-accusations in my head. "You are so stupid", "you shouldn't try", "just give up", "what you do doesn't matter" all swirled in my head. I wanted to pity party my night away, not pause and pull myself together. I didn't want to do it and threw an internal toddler tantrum. I don’t wanna! I don’t have to! You can’t make me! Awesome Christie, proud behavior moment right there. But it was just a momentary tantrum internally until I reminded myself to pause and do the things I know to do.

Throughout many forced pauses in my life, I've learned to do a few things. None are a magical solution, but together, they are a catalyst. I want to share them with you because in the last 48 hours I've done all three of these.

1.    Limit the time you allow your mind to throw a pity fit of doubt.

There are all sorts of fun fantastic quotes on this “if it won’t matter in 5 years don’t spend more than 5 minutes on it” bla, bla, bla. Most of the time that’s true but let’s be honest, how many of us can do this when we’re stuck in the tornado of our own mind’s emotions? Not me, I’ll be honest! I rarely can just pull myself out of it and pull it together IMMEDIATELY. It's not easy. I am the Queen of jumping to the end conclusion and worrying about things that 95% of the time never happen. It’s a talent, but not one any of you should try to emulate! What I can say is give yourself time to just be consumed by how you feel. Don’t try to be tough, don’t push how you feel down deep into some secret dark place where it can hide forever. Let it out and feel exactly how you feel. You can’t figure out what comes next unless you know exactly where you are right now. That means letting yourself be honest – I’m hurt, I’m sad, I’m mad, I’m depressed, I’m lost, I'm worried, I’m confused, etc. Be honest enough with yourself and give your mind a moment to just be engulfed by what is happening. But don’t stay there. What’s that quote people tell me, “you can be sad you just can’t unpack and stay there? Something like that. That’s probably pretty wise advice from someone far wiser than me so let’s listen to those smarties and keep our sad bags packed. Give yourself time to question things but give yourself a deadline of questioning, too.

2.    Start writing. The old-fashioned way with a pen and paper.

We live in an age of electronic devices making our lives SO easy (unless your computer craps out on you when you’re in the middle of a big project). We get used to documenting our lives electronically, through words, pictures, shares, likes, snaps, etc. But somehow this electronic connection has disconnected us not only from one another but from being able to really deeply feel our own emotions. We post a status about our struggle and wait for our "friends" to tell us how to feel, to tell us it will be okay, to tell us they'll help us. There are studies and discussions that talk about the cathartic nature of putting a pen to paper and questioning the impact of keyboard versus pen. I say it’s always best to just write out what’s happening. I personally love paper. I am the kid that was genuinely excited about school supplies and now I’m the adult who is alarmingly excited about office supplies. Once you’ve hit your deadline of questioning life from #1 above, grab a pen and paper, even if it’s a napkin, paper towel, envelope from junk mail, or a diaper from your kid's nursery, whatever it is, write down what you think your real purpose is. Think big here – make the Dalai Lama and Gandhi proud. What is your BIG purpose in life? What talent do you have or are you working on cultivating that will be something that impacts one thing, something, someone, in this world? Your purpose is NOT to make money. It is NOT to buy a house. It is NOT to retire early. It is NOT to have 2 children and a white picket fence. Those are results of something, not your purpose. Your purpose is what propels you forward when your rollercoaster hits the bottom of those peaks and valleys. Your purpose is your north star. Your purpose is what you think you were meant to do with the talents you were given. Your purpose is what keeps you up at night googling, listening to podcasts, reading books, articles, magazines, listening to TED talks, and finding people who have been on that path before that you can learn from. That is your big purpose. See it, learn it, write it down, and then write down why you really believe it is your purpose. Having trouble? Phone a friend. When I hit this wall once, I engaged all my friends and asked them to give me two words that describe me. Some were hysterical, some made me cry happy tears, and some shocked me. What this exercise did do though is help me see what other people in my life who supported me, who loved me, and who cared about my journey saw in me as a person. It’s easy to be self-critical in times of doubt and that can blind us from seeing the things we are truly meant to do. Not one of them used my title at work to describe me. Not one of them used the word mom to describe me (some said I was a great mom but used a descriptive character word as to why I was a great mom). Not one of them used a word I would have used myself to describe who I am. Someone said graceful and I lovingly reminded them that I am the girl that regularly runs into walls because I walk so fast or falls down on the last stair of a staircase. Graceful would never be on my list of words to describe myself but she saw being graceful in a different way.  I was so busy seeing my purpose through my own very critical and sometimes cruel eyes and internal voice that I’d forgotten to see what other people felt like being around me. That became my new purpose. Help others find their purpose and vision without their own self-doubt chiming in.

3.    Decide what makes you feel most alive.

This part is the fun part. Remember that pen and paper you have from #2 above? Keep it and make a new section on it for this exercise. What makes you happy, what makes you feel alive, what have you done that made you feel like “today was a great day”? What is it? Is it a hobby? Is it an activity? Is it a project, or an organization you volunteered with or was it bungee jumping? It could be Netflix binge moments. What have you done or experienced that made you so happy you felt like “wow, this was awesome”. Write everything down no matter how silly it feels. When I wrote my list this weekend, do you want to know one thing I put on it that if someone else saw it would probably make them think I was weird? I wrote, “eating with strangers”. It really does make me happy! If I see someone sitting alone eating I always ask if he or she would mind if I join them. I have had some really awkward interactions doing this (someone once said yes they would mind and continued eating) but I’ve also had some really amazing stories told by people I sat with for just 20 minutes about their life, their journey, their struggles, and they had no idea what any of it would mean to me. It made me feel like this world is so connected and like I was a part of it just by listening to people. It kept my passion for people alive in a career where sometimes people disappoint you (HR is not always a happy rainbow glitter we all sing in a circle role). I also wrote on my happy list dancing, writing, motivating others, seeing the passion in others grow, and failing. Yup, failing makes me feel alive. For me, success all the time ends up making any other success feel bland. Failure makes the things I succeed at feel even greater! Write down everything. This helps shape how you will fulfill your purpose and remain joyful in the process when your purpose hits a hurdle.

Now, keep those lists. Forever. Put them in your purse, your wallet, tape them to your bathroom mirror, I don’t care where you put them, but make sure you see them and see them frequently. On days, weeks, and months where your roller coaster in life feels like it just keeps blazing through the station and going for another round on the ride and you’re screaming to the ride operator for it to just slow down on the triple corkscrews, these lists are what will ground you and bring you back to what matters. These lists will drive you to find what makes the roller coaster ride all worth it. These lists will make your voice stop shaking, will make you stand a little taller when confronting a giant, and will help you stay rooted in what you want to do with your life no matter the challenge before you. Don’t give up, don’t sacrifice who you know you are for what others think you are. Don't change what you know you can do for what others tell you is feasible. You really can do anything you want to do, but you have to know what you want.

And now a joke to make you laugh at the end...