Why the worst managers are often men.

Let's talk about feelings! It's not what you think, but perhaps what you need to hear.

This will talk about feelings, so if you feel uncomfortable talking about feelings, then look away now, though I would say it's all the more reason to stay. When I say 'talking about feelings' - what does that conjure up for you? Just pause and think about that. Now pause again and feel.... Which was easier to do?

The problem

We often avoid this subject matter, dismissively labelling it as 'touchy-feely,' especially within professional settings, predominantly governed by men. But let's strip away those connotations for a moment. This is not about sentimentality, crying, or having to talk about feelings at every opportunity; this is about basic self-awareness - an essential quality for effective leadership. Is it easier to think about feelings or to feel them?

Here's the essence of the issue: men are disproportionately represented in leadership roles within companies. These are the individuals shaping cultures, making critical decisions, and generally setting the emotional tone of workplaces. Now, consider this point - what happens when these men lack emotional awareness? This is not a generalisation, this has been observed and backed by scientific research. Basically, it's not great and this is why, I believe, for the past 50 years, workplace engagement or motivation has hardly shifted.

The Detriment of Emotional Illiteracy

When leaders are out of touch with their own emotions, they also struggle to understand the emotional climate of their team. Such emotional illiteracy doesn't merely hamper interpersonal relationships; it undermines the ability to create an inclusive, motivating environment. How can one make others feel valued when they haven't mastered the art of identifying their own emotions?

• Toxic Cultures: Emotionally unaware leaders struggle to foster inclusive, engaging environments. This affects everything from turnover to innovation.
• Missed Opportunities: Leaders attuned to emotions better understand their teams’ needs and can improve collaboration.
• Diminished Wellbeing: Unprocessed emotions accumulate stress over time, leading to burnout and health issues.

This Is Not About Mental Health

I want to be really clear. This is not about mental health. This isn't about diagnosing psychological conditions. It's about the simple yet profound (and generally uncommon) practice of naming what you feel. Anger, sadness, frustration—these are not abstract states. They manifest in the body and the mind, affecting your decisions, reactions, and your leadership style. There is an inherent mind-body connection and we are constantly influenced by our state.

Emotional intelligence isn't about being perpetually vocal about every single feeling (I have seen some very unhelpful examples coming from the US, where people are talking all the time about their 'feelings' in a 'need' to be validated, which again leads people to avoid this topic, since they talk about it in every single conversation) nor does it encourage emotional fragility. It's neither the extreme of wearing your heart on your sleeve nor bottling up until a breaking point. It's about equipping yourself with a balanced emotional toolkit that helps you navigate both personal and professional landscapes in a balanced manner.

The Importance of Emotional Awareness

Learning to accurately label your emotions, and by extension understanding their root causes, leads to multiple benefits:

• Self-Understanding: You can identify triggers and coping mechanisms.
• Expression: By naming it, you then create space discuss it openly.
• Emotional Resilience: Understanding that emotions don't define you equips you to deal with life's ups and downs more effectively. You can see them for what they are - some your experience, not something that defines you.

As an increasing number of companies strive to create psychologically safe spaces, now is the time to get serious about integrating emotional awareness into leadership development.

We are not our feelings. They don't define us, but we experience them. Do we know how to express this? I think not. When was the last time you asked someone how they were feeling? Usually when you noticed something was awry. Or in the 'opposite' scenario, you may have seen someone elated. There are a whole range of other emotions that we rarely express.

Putting words to our emotions serves several functions:

• Normalises the experience and reduces shame or guilt.
• Allows us to separate from negative feelings, seeing them as temporary states rather than 'who we are'.
• Creates opportunities for authentic connection and self-care.
• Helps identify patterns of behaviour and triggers we may be unaware of.

Learn to master your feelings

I talked about anger before. When was the last time you felt, angry, sad, frustrated? OK, so you may have felt those things on reflection, but were you aware at the time. Did you investigate the feeling, label it, become aware of the impact that it was having on your mood and your behaviours?

The issue with poor leadership and toxic management is not about the lack of skills or training or mental health (these are all important and in some cases critical). The issue is how to be in touch with your feelings (without the stigma) and to be aware of the impact of your state, in the moment.

1. Recognise it. Notice your emotion as it arises. Use mindfulness to catch it early. Ask, "What am I feeling right now?"
2. Understand it. Dig into the 'why.' Is your emotion a response to someone else or a reflection of your own state? The cause is key.
3. Label it. Name your emotion. Research shows that labelling emotions can diffuse their intensity and give you control.
4. Express it (if appropriate). Choose the right time and place to express your emotion. Doing so wisely can foster better communication and understanding.

By embracing RULE, leaders can create workplaces where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued. It's not just leadership; it's emotional intelligence in action.

Practice makes better, some tips

Like any skill, emotional awareness requires practice. Here are some ways to get started:

• Set daily check-ins: Block out 5 minutes in your calendar to journal or reflect on your mood. Identify any strong emotions.
• Observe physical cues: Notice body language and sensations that accompany emotions. E.g. Does anxiety make your neck tense?
• Share with people you trust: Talking about your feelings helps to validate them. Seek out empathetic listeners.
• Triggers: Look for patterns. Does a certain colleague frequently make you feel angry or insecure?
• Don’t avoid discomfort: Sit with complicated emotions even if they feel “irrational.” See them as data points (you can track these).
• Check assumptions: If someone observes you seem upset, thank them for the feedback rather than getting defensive. Remember we all have blind spots and other people see what we don't.

From Surviving to Thriving

Bringing our full selves to work - emotions and all - is an act of courage and vulnerability. It is not easy, nor comfortable (another reason that I think people avoid it, and there is still stigma around 'being weak' or such topics/ behaviours being inappropriate) but I would say it is more than worth the discomfort. We are human before we are anything else, and as humans we experience emotions.

Your teams will see you as more authentic and relatable. You’ll forge deeper trust and understanding. And you’ll gain clearer insights into your own motivations, barriers, and goals. People talk about about the 'soft skills', which I see as 'essential skills' with self-awareness is at the centre. Do this well and ALL your relationships will improve - personal and professional.