Why women leave tech, 6 years later

Talking to friends over the last few weeks, I found myself wondering why more women in leadership don’t share their experiences of misogyny, even once their careers are winding down. I'm concluding maybe it’s that we’re all too freaking tired.

A few years ago, right around the time we started Textio, I interviewed hundreds of women about why they’d left technology. I wrote about it here:

https://fortune.com/2014/10/02/women-leave-tech-culture/

At the time that I did this research, I had had several bad experiences, big and small. My manager had told a room full of (exclusively) male colleagues about my early pregnancy by inviting them to look at changes to my “upper body.” Five months later, another manager denied me a promotion because I was pregnant. Two years later, yet a third manager compared taking care of his dog while his wife was away to my everyday life as a single mom. 

But despite all this, I had never seriously considered leaving the technology industry. So hearing how the women with whom I spoke processed their experiences fascinated me. I felt both curiosity and empathy, but honestly, I also felt a bit puzzled.

In the 5.5 years since I published that piece, my perspective has changed a lot. I’ve gotten to know many more women who are very senior in their careers, often a decade or more beyond me, and all have battled through the bullshit to get where they are.

Last weekend I talked to a friend who is very accomplished, admired, and respected by many. She has a long career as an operator, a founder, and an investor. She dropped the bomb: she’s done. The bottom fell out of my stomach. I felt physically ill hearing her news.

But to be honest, I also felt relief for her.

Five and a half years ago I would have been surprised. Now I’m just sad, disappointed, and angry. And this part makes me maddest of all: I’m also totally understanding of her decision.

I’ve watched (and felt first-hand) the way that women are asked to apologize more; more often labeled as unprofessional, irrational, or abrasive; more often patronized; more often held hostage on the tightrope between “too emotional” and “too cold.” 

Any individual instance might make sense. Certainly, the women I know feel accountable for all of the above feedback when they receive it, and they often think the feedback is fair. 

But when you step back to see if there’s a pattern, there’s no question that there is one. And even if any given instance of this kind of feedback is fair for any given woman, that pattern represents a huge problem.

Earlier in my career, I assumed this effect diminished as women moved through their careers, as women built a track record of achievement and relationships behind them. I think I was wrong about that, and I wonder if women later in their careers agree.

If anything, looking at the experiences of women I know, I think the effect intensifies. I deeply believe that, on the whole, the expectations gap between men and women only widens as people move through their careers, especially on the EQ side. And as that gap widens, so does the gender gap in accumulated fatigue.

I think about this not only in terms of my own experience, which follows the pattern, but also in terms of every time I’ve ever expected a woman I work with to apologize, or silently judged her for her imperfection or her humanity.

If any of the women who have lived this ever do write the book Misogyny Tales Over a Decades-Long Career, I suspect a lot of (generally pretty decent) people would be surprised to recognize themselves within the pages.

To my friend, I will miss you. I am absolutely furious on your behalf. I hope you tell your story publicly. (This goes for a whole bunch of other women too, whether or not you are my friend, whether or not I even know you.)

But I am also happy for you that you are drawing a line about what you will and will not accept.