Why We Suck at Apologies and How to Improve Them with Improv Comedy

Lately, while listening and sharing, I’ve experienced and observed confusion and conflicting views around apologies. I have been the recipient of several apologies. I have apologized to others. I received calls from friends confused about whether and how to apologize. I’ve read several articles about public figures apologizing (or not apologizing). Like America’s Got Talent Host Terry Crews apologized to Gabrielle Union, PewDiePie shares an apology video to his fans, and Ted Yoho’s non apology to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. I’ve also noticed the discomfort with apologies during our Improvisational Leadership trainings. This all inspired me to write more about this topic, as it seems like maybe I’m not the only one observing the power of apology. Maybe you can relate and are also curious as to why we seem to have forgotten everything we were supposed to learn in kindergarten about how to apologize. I’m no expert in apologizing, so in this post I share my observations about why we suck at apologizing, why apologies are powerful and some tips for how we can improve our apologies.

Let me start by saying I don’t think there are right or wrong ways to apologize. They are simply apologies, and what is said and how it is said will certainly impact the person receiving and delivering the apology. So, rather than judge which way is right and which is wrong, the point is to be aware of ourselves and how we view apologies, first and foremost, be aware of how our apologies are received, and then make conscious choices for how we show up in interactions involving apologies. We can do this using improv and creating low stakes environments to experiment and learn new and improve ways to show up in the real “high stakes” life.

Why we suck at apologizing

As children, apologizing was learned in the moment, in a very organic way, using our child-like instincts. If a child hurts another child, the child that pushed the other child down or calls the child a name apologizes, and says “I am sorry I hurt you.” The child may have not known that pushing or name calling would cause pain. It wasn’t their intention to harm another person. And once they know they did, they apologize. They don’t think “Should I apologize?” “Do I need to apologize?” “Is this my responsibility?” “I didn’t mean to hurt them, so it’s not my fault.” They instinctively apologize for the pain they caused. Probably because they have little shame and ego developed yet. Seems like that develops the older we get. And that shame and ego holds us back from expressing, like a child, with love and compassion for this other person we hurt. We become adults that either never learned how to apologize, forgot, or stopped practicing empathy required to apologize and mean it. We become adults who let shame and ego overtake our childlike instincts. We ask ourselves “Should I apologize?” “How do I apologize?” “Is it my responsibility?” “I didn’t mean to harm them,” “I’m not responsible for their feelings.” We make it all about ourselves. Newsflash: It’s not about us! It’s about the person expressing pain and asking for an apology. Don’t overthink it. Don’t make it about you. It’s not about you.

If something you did or said hurt someone and they tell you, wow, what a gift that someone trusts you enough to share honestly about the pain they feel. Treat that expression as a gift. What you do with that gift is your choice. Which leads me to…

Reframe apologizing as a gift

In improv we practice “taking everything as a gift and opportunity.” When applied to apologizing, this is extremely effective in improving the tone and conversation. When we consider someone expressing pain to us as an “attack” or “criticism” we are far more likely to respond defensively, with an angry and unproductive tone. The belief (“when someone tells me something I did or said caused them pain they are attacking or criticizing me”) affects our action, defending ourselves as if we are being attacked. When we reframe this interaction from an “attack” or “criticism” to considering it as a “gift” that new belief (“when someone tells me something I did or said caused them pain they are offering me a gift of information”) affects our action, listening, expressing gratitude, compassion, and understanding, and apologizing.

It’s such a gift when someone shares honestly and vulnerably the ways in which they are experiencing pain, hurt, joy, sadness, etc. What the recipient of the gift chooses to do with it is up to them. And how they choose to respond will influence the trust in the relationship. In improv, we practice empathy and considering what’s going on for the other person, while, of course, maintaining our character as the person being told about the pain.

For instance, when someone tells something that was done or said that caused them pain, the recipient of that message can choose to be so grateful for that gift and feel a duty and responsibility to treat it like a fragile ceramic. Choose to cherish it, see its light, see the love, compassion, and strength it took someone to share that gift with me. It’s not always easy to share. When we put ourselves in the shoes of the person sharing about the pain being experienced, wow, what courage and trust it takes to share. How someone reacts will influence how we feel towards that person. Someone who apologizes for their actions, we are more inclined to trust more and feel safe to share vulnerability in the future. Someone who turns around and makes it about their pain or tells us our feelings don’t matter, yeah, probably not going to trust that person to share our feelings in the future.

In improv, we practice hearing everything, every word, rather than hearing the word we want to hear and grabbing that as truth. We practice listening to understand versus listening to hear what you want to hear. Even when what is actually said is hard to hear.

When we listen to understand when it comes to an interaction involving someone expressing pain and someone in a position to apologize, the person who may have done something to cause pain, when truly listening, can take it away from themself and make it about their scene partner. It’s not about you. It’s about that other person. Don’t make their pain about you. Apologize and move the scene forward.

When we feel as if everything we say is being attacked, it makes us not want to say anything at all. And if we are not saying anything at all, our scene stops, and doesn’t move forward. Or, the relationship stops and doesn’t move forward.

It seems so subtle, and it is, but it’s so ingrained into our subconscious beliefs. Sometimes in the moment we say or do things that aren’t inspired by our greatest self. We’re reacting instinctively, from our subconscious, rather than intentionally from our conscious minds. In improv, those immediate instinctual ways of responding reveal themselves, so that we can be aware of those subconscious responses, make a decision about whether to change/improve them in some way, practice those new improved ways, so that we can make them subconscious. It’s a way to reprogram ourselves.

This is why we need to ….

Practice apologizing

The best way to get better at apologizing is to practice apologizing. And really apologizing. Not sure saying “sorry” as an afterthought. Apologizing takes great strength, compassion, humility, and grace. These are qualities we get to practice and improve by apologizing, because, newsflash, those qualities are also great for other things in life too.

There are several ways to practice apologizing. First, and maybe most obvious is to apologize when people tell you that when you said or did something they experienced pain. Take that expression as a gift, and practice accepting it as a gift, listening to understand, expressing compassion, and apologizing.

Another is to practice improv. Practicing with improv allows us to really observe ourselves, without all the fears, judgements, criticisms we put on ourselves and others. It allows us to operate out of a different part of our brain, so we can really gain awareness and use that awareness to make improvements, practice those improvements in a psychologically safe, low stakes environment. We get to experience ourselves, our reactions and responses in a very pure, raw way, and be observers of ourselves in a fully embodied way (because there are thoughts, words, and actions happening in improv scenes).

“I’m sorry you feel that way is not an apology”

What someone says and how someone says it affects us. When someone apologies by saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” it makes me cringe. That is not an apology. That is definitely not an apology. That is not taking personal responsibility for the things that were said or done that lead to the pain. That is instead, putting the responsibility back on the other person for feeling the hurt and pain. Having been the recipient of many apologies in this way, it feels really crappy and doesn’t feel like someone is really apologizing. Because they aren’t really apologizing for what they did. They are apologizing for how you feel, and that’s not something they are responsible for. They are responsible for what they did that lead to those feelings.

How someone responds and apologizes impacts us just as much than if someone doesn’t apologize. Consider three people apologizing. The person, Person A, doesn’t apologize for what they did that caused you pain, especially after it’s clearly articulated what it is that caused you pain. Person B apologizes in a condescending, belittling, angry tone. Person C listens, really listens, takes responsibility for their actions and demonstrates understanding as to why what they did was hurtful and apologizes for their actions. Who are you going to feel safe, trusted, compelled to share with that person again? For me, Person C.

We can learn that stuff in the real world, if we’re paying close attention and observing our lives objectively and fully aware all the time, or by reading about other peoples’ experiences about apologies. But knowing something intellectually is one thing, and it’s another to actually believe it and embody it and act that way in the moment. Often we know something intellectually and yet we still physically do something different. Because we’re like machines, programmed to react and respond certain ways, until we change the programming. At Improve, we change the programming. We practice this attention and awareness in a fake world, improv scenes, and notice how we show up and how different ways we show up affect people in different ways. We identify programming that isn’t working and replace it with new and improved choices. Then, we practice those new and improved choices so that they are not just intellectual, they are lived and used in the real world, when the stakes are higher.

For instance, in an improv scene we notice when someone says “I am sorry you feel that way”, we point it out as an objective observation from the observers of the scene, and then we replace that line of dialogue in the scene with “I am sorry I called you that name” (or whatever it was that was the action that led to the feeling), and then the person in the scene gets to practice that new way of apologizing over and over again, until it becomes a subconscious response. That way, when that person is out in the real world, they are much more likely to apologize in this new and improved way.

Anyways, I could go on and on about how practicing improv with Improve improves our self-awareness, compassion and empathy, communication and ability to grow and make positive changes in ourselves and our relationships, especially as it comes to apologizing, but now I’ll cut to the tips about how to improve apologies.

How to improve apologies

During college I worked at Zingerman’s, which is notorious not only for their Oprah-loving, award winning, barbecue beef and Reuben sandwiches, but also for their “recipes” outside the kitchen, the recipes for customer service, handling customer complaints, making positive change in the organization. Inspired by their frameworks and Improve principles, here’s a recipe for improving apologies.

When someone tells you that when you said or did something they experienced pain…

1. Take it as a gift. In your mind, as you’re listening to this person share, keep in mind it is a gift that this person is sharing with you.
2. Make it about your scene partner. In improv we have an improvism “Make it about your scene partner”, which is just that. When you focus on, listen to, and have compassion for your scene partner, the improv scene is much better. Same in life and with conversations involving apologies. When someone says something you did or said lead them to experience pain, listen, have compassion for them, make it about them. The scene will go much better. Let us be kind and let go of our own ego and views in order to see and hear someone else’s perspective. We might learn something. Remember, someone else’s pain isn’t about you. So don’t make it about you and your needs. Acknowledge the expressed pain and say “I am sorry” for what you did that caused the pain. Take time to listen.
3. Say “Yes”, acknowledge what the person said. This could take the form of repeating back what you heard. “What I heard you say is that when I called you a ‘girl’ you felt disrespected and upset.”
4. Thank the person for sharing. You’d thank someone for giving you a gift, right? Well, you just got a gift, so thank the person for that gift.
5. Show compassion. Though not a required step in order to apologize, it’s an important one in actually feeling and showing apology. This step increases the power of any apology. We might not always agree with why someone is hurt, but if we did something at sometime that hurt someone, show some empathy and compassion and take personal responsibility for your actions that led to pain, even if it wasn’t your intention to hurt someone. Expressing compassion and understanding for why they feel the way they do. It’s as simple as “I can totally see why me saying that would make you feel that way.” Note, don’t say it if you don’t actually believe that. It’s very important to be honest when apologizing! With practice, and with improvising, when your empathy improves, your ability to relate with and have compassion for other peoples’ experiences will improve, and this will become very real and very honest.
6. “And” apologize! Say “I am sorry”. Don’t underestimate the power of an apology. It costs you nothing and is such a gift to give.

Visit Improve’s website to learn more about Improve and opportunities to improve your leadership, teams, and apologies! 

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Improve improves leaders, teams, companies and impact using a unique methodology combining improv comedy techniques with high performance coaching, research-backed frameworks, performance techniques, and decades of experience. Improve was created by entrepreneur, improv comedian, and former venture capital investor, Mary Lemmer. Learn more about our training and Mary’s background on our website.