The Psychology of being STUCK!

An unfulfilling job that doesn't align with your talents or skills; a long-term relationship that you're waiting on the get better; an unsupportive friendship that drains your energy; an environment where you feel disconnected and stuck - BUT YOU HAVE NOT LEFT.

It's a common human experience to stay where we don't belong, even when all the lights are flashing you in a new direction. Social researchers have studied this phenomenon for decades and offer a few reasons for our propensity to leave the gear in "park" when all the signals tell us that it's time to move on.

The first is what we call The Comfort Zone Illusion. One of the main reasons we stay where we don't belong is the allure of the comfort zone. It's familiar, predictable, and feels safe. Stepping into the unknown can be terrifying, and our minds are wired to seek stability and avoid potential risks. As a result, we often settle for the familiar, even if it means sacrificing our long-term happiness and growth. The comfort zone is a safe place where you feel sure you can't be hurt. It's almost like a warm bath - comfortable and familiar. But it's also stagnant. Stay in the bath too long, you'll start to get pruned, cramped and uncomfortable. You'll start to stagnate and your growth will be stunted. Essentially, life loses its meaning when we get stuck in our comfort zone. Remember, a ship in a harbour is safe, but that is not what the ship was built for.

• Assess your comfort zone orientation by answering this question as candidly as you can:

How have I been actively seeking new challenges and opportunities for growth?

The Fear of Change and Failure is another common roadblock. Without question, change can be intimidating, whether it's changing careers, leaving a toxic environment, or ending a relationship. The fear of the unknown and the uncertainties that come with change can paralyze us, making us hesitant to leave our 'safe harbour'. Not knowing what awaits us on the high seas of life makes raising our anchor and setting sail feel like a fool's errand. Failure seems certain when we consider all that we don't know or feel unprepared to tackle. Shifting to what researchers call Success Orientation is what allows to overcome the fear of change and failure by bringing the optimism, energy and drive that cause us to focus on achieving positive outcomes instead of avoiding negative ones.

Where in your life have you been over-striving to avoid the perception of failure or feeling perpetually anxious and unable enjoy your life?

Another reason we stay where we don't belong is the sunk cost fallacy. We invest time, effort, and emotions into a situation, and so letting go feels like admitting failure. We convince ourselves that if we just hold on a little longer, things will improve. The commitment we have to staying due to past investment is a self imposed shackle. We are more committed to the past than the possibilities we create when we start moving forward. Lena Patel in her book, Raise your Innovation IQ: 21 Ways to Think Differently During Times of Change, said:

“If you’ve ever held on to a pair of shoes that make your feet ache or a pair of pants that no longer fit you for no other reason than you paid a lot of money for them, you’ve experienced the sunk-cost bias.”

I am looking at a pair of black Christian Louboutins that I've only been able to wear once because it was simply too small and shaking my head so very hard at the travesty! Ms. Patel read me for filth with this one!

The reflective question for me is really when will I donate these $800 pumps to a size 9 wearing sister. I am working hard to answer this one.

On a less frivolous note though, ask yourself:

Which mistake am I holding on to because I spent a lot of time making it?

Name it. Call it your Louboutin. Expensive, valuable, beautiful to look at but no longer the right fit for you!

We must evolve. We have no choice but to change if we want to live a full and fulfilling life. That growth will come with growing pains, just like old teeth ache before they fall out to make room for newer, stronger ones. Embrace that change with courage and self-compassion.

Need more resources? Our Harvest Hub Group Coaching Programme may be what you need to reduce your excuses and double your discipline. CLICK HERE to join a vibrant community of women who are doing the work to see themselves differently, build self awareness, self confidence and the discipline required to Achieve More!

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Krystal Tomlinson is a Courage Coach and Oratory Wizard! She is a Public Speaking Coach and Self Management Strategist helping individuals and teams in the Caribbean and North America to achieve more in their personal and professional lives. She holds Certification from UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Centre in the Science of Happiness and works passionately to help improve workplace wellness and personal productivity. For trainings, workshops and seminar bookings [email protected]