WHY ARE WE SO QUICK TO BLAME + COMPLAIN?

I am currently in Bali and have hired a scooter to get around. Those that have done so, would understand the chaos on the road is seemingly uncontrolled and uncontrollable.? The only choice (apart from panic) is to go with the flow. To mindfully respond to what is happening in the present (traffic) moment, rather than overthinking and getting caught in overreaction.

In parallel, the Balinese are brilliant at going with the flow when faced with daily adversities - with a shrug of the shoulders and a wry smile they let it go and move on with their day - not allowing stuff to stick. In the West, we are quick to react - often aggressively so. A potential problem? We’re all in and grabbing hold of that negativity. Traffic jam, work situation, rude customer service? Yep, we’re on to it. Blaming + complaining in all our glory and then sharing our hard-done-by misfortune with others ("sit down, this is going to take a while because I am going to explain frame-by-frame how bad it is and how they have wronged me - yet again").

Sure, these are generalisations and yet, they are for the most part, apt. Western culture, I’m calling it, has a blame + complain problem. In our cult of busy-ness and mindful-less, we assume badly, judge negatively and react aggressively. In the workplace, this then not only inflames the situation but spreads throughout the culture and our aggrieved (bad) mood follows us home to impact our family + friends.

Why do we blame so readily? Blaming not only shifts accountability, it also acts as a defence mechanism by denying or displacing or distancing our negative feelings (e.g. shame, guilt, fear, anxiety) and projecting them onto others so that we feel more in control and less vulnerable.

Unfortunately though, when we trade in our responsibility to own our part in a conflict, we also give up our opportunity for personal growth. Blame keeps us stuck.

What if we flip it? Choose to challenge our fragile egos - by breaking the blame + complain habit and shifting to compassion + the benefit of doubt?? Guaranteed - it would increase our professional (+ personal) wellbeing - it just takes concerted effort to transform negative habits.

Personally, I have been on the mindfulness trek for over 25 years. I struggled with depression in my late teens + twenties and travelled to India + Bali to learn how to manage my monkey mind and gain (greater) inner peace. I have learnt - via daily meditation practice - that when negativity arises in our mind - we need to not get caught in the ‘story’ of it, rather we need to let the thought go and then breathe to centre on the present moment. When our adrenals have calmed, we can then choose thoughts that are beneficial + values-based. This has been my biggest lesson (and biggest challenge) - to know that thoughts are just thoughts - we don’t need to listen, believe or identify with them. If we get that, we experience the freedom of flow.

Professionally, if we are having issues in the workplace with someone, let’s not react by freezing them out, bad-mouthing them or trying to be right/win the argument, rather let’s mindfully respond - that is, withhold our assumptions + judgements and go into the conversation, curious and seeking to mutually understand (otherwise any ‘resolution’ will not sustainably hold).

We can be happier. We’ve just got to break the blame + complain habit. Go forth in mindful flow.

HOW I CAN HELP YOU + YOUR TEAM

Mindful Team Culture (Keynote or Training - F2F or via Zoom)

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As always, happy to chat further to understand the learning needs of you + your team/ organisation with: conflict + communication + (team) culture training workshops (open or in-house or on-demand) or conference keynotes or masterclasses.