Why are we so Cruel to Ourselves?
WHY ARE WE SO CRUEL TO OURSELVES?
Growing up in a home with a severe lack of empathy forces us to live in a bubble of denial.
Even if your young mind could sense that something was wrong with how you were raised, admitting your parents' failings would have been too painful and incomprehensible at the time.
As a result, the only thing you could have done was to collude with their stories, which claim that they were decent parents and that as long as you are materially provided for, you do not have the right to complain about the lack of love or empathy.
Unfortunately, believing in this lie can lead to you blaming yourself and carrying the burdens of chronic shame and guilt for the rest of your life.
At first glance, this may appear counterintuitive; after all, why would we blame ourselves if we were victims of abuse or neglect? However, this is not an uncommon psychodynamic, known as "turning against oneself."
Essentially, when you were a helpless and dependent child, you only had your parents to rely on.
Even if they were abusive or neglectful, they were the only people in your world. The feeling of being completely powerless in an unpredictable and dangerous universe is more terrifying than anything else in the world. To avoid such horror, you concluded that bad things happened because of you, not them. You were the bad seed, not your parents.
You could at least maintain some control if you believe you deserved the abuse or neglect, either because you weren't good enough or didn't do enough to be a good child. Self-blame explained the inexplicable injustice that occurred; it was somehow more tolerable than the alternative—that the people you trusted had betrayed you or that the world was a hopelessly hostile place. As psychologist Fairbain said, "It is better to live as a sinner in a world created by God than to live as a sinner in a world created by the devil."
As a result, you gave up a sense of your own "goodness" to keep the fantasy of loving and supportive parents alive.
You were trapped with them, so admitting to yourself that you were abused or neglected on a daily basis was unbearable.
Because of this defense, you were able to grow up dissociated from or remain unaware of the extent of the harm done to you.
Unfortunately, when you considered mistreatment as your fault or something you deserved, your righteous anger was replaced by self-directed aggression and shame.
Many of us carry this survival strategy into adulthood, even when it is no longer working for us. Even now, you may take on too many responsibilities and accept full blame for all your friendships and relationships failing, even when they are not justified. You are unfair to yourself and constantly assume that conflicts happened or relationships broke down because you were too traumatized, too emotional, too selfish, too unattractive, etc.
This defense is dangerous as it erodes your self-esteem and can serve to enable people who are abusive or unfair towards you.
When you go around thinking of yourself as toxic or poisonous, unworthy of love or attention, you may even unconsciously sabotage any love that comes your way. Eventually, even when people are kind to you, love you, or give you the attention you deserve, you may push them away.
Ironically, you first turned against yourself out of love, loyalty, and a noble attempt to help your parents and to preserve the attachment with these people who brought you into the world. This strategy was once ‘essential’ to your survival in a cold household but is no longer needed now that you try to thrive and become a fully functioning, healthy adult.
You are now free to turn the arrow of anger back out rather than in.
Changing a lifelong pattern is a daunting task. In the process, you may come across unwelcomed guests, such as grief and guilt.
You may have to try and do that to save your one and only future.
Run towards love- self-love, real love, sustainable love
Because even you couldn't before, you now can.
SME owners: accelerate business growth.
1 年Imi, thanks for sharing!
Artist-Athlete-Xplorer ? I make Beauty of the Oceans shine by swimming and writing about them and us growing in ?????? Je fais briller l’Océan en ?uvrant à la beauté de son histoire avec, par et pour le coeur ?
1 年Owen Evans Anthony Bourbon ??
Master of Teaching (Secondary) student at Federation University
2 年A half decently run orphanage provides food and shelter as well, and yet we still acknowledge orphans as missing key social elements others take for granted/have as a privilege. In some ways it reminds me of the Mary's room thought experiment: "The experiment describes Mary, a scientist who exists in a black and white world where she has extensive access to physical descriptions of color, but no actual perceptual experience of color. The central question of the thought experiment is whether Mary will gain new knowledge when she goes outside the black and white world and experiences seeing in color.". Just replace black and white with absence of empathy and replace color with the experience of empathy. Also, I rather suspect that the particular neuroticisms involved in unempathetic parents would actually train the child to turn on themselves if they want to feel connected to family. The turning on themselves gives some relief to the pathologically insecure parent (someone else feels bad, they feel good - like it's a zero sum game). That relief is a reward or incentive for the parent to train the child this way. So, I'd say it's not just a defence, it's conditioning.