Why We Need to Stop Saying, “How Are You?”

Toss out your go-to greeting and try these questions instead.

A few weeks ago, I shared this illustration on social media. It generated an incredible (and refreshing—thank you!) response, and that led me to want to dive deeper.

Our culture has programmed us to always ask, “how are you?” when we see, or talk to, someone. It sounds like a question—and it typically it elicits an answer, albeit a generic “I’m ok.” Or, more recently I’ve heard a lot of “I am good—I mean given the circumstances.”

But another perspective is that “how are you?” has become so reflexive in our culture that it’s more of a greeting than a true dialogue.

So, at a time in our world where truly checking in with someone is so important, how can we dig deeper with people and encourage an authentic conversation instead of the usual “I’m ok”?

First, we need to change the question. Make a point to go beyond cliché questions and the 6 o’clock news update—weather, sports, traffic, etc.

Second, ask follow-up questions. In fact, research shows that people who ask more questions are better liked, and considered more responsive, by the person they’re conversing with.

Need some thought starters? Here are ways to engage with others that go beyond “how are you?”

• How have you been sleeping?
• What color is your heart today? Why?
• What story are you telling yourself today?
• How can I support you?
• What thoughts have been circling in your brain?
• What are your top 3 feelings today?
• What have you done just for you today?
• What am I interrupting? (to kick off a phone conversation)
• Are you still holding up okay?
• How are you coping?
• What’s your current state of mind?
• What’s your day been like so far?
• What was your favorite moment thus far today?
• What are you looking forward to this week?
• What was the last picture you took?
• What TV show are you watching right now?
• Is anything zapping your energy or creativity?
• Share some personal news, such as “I adopted a dog” or “I tried xyz new recipe.”
• What’s been on your mind lately?
• Or, follow up on a worry or concern mentioned before.
• What made you laugh today?
• What do you wish you did more of today?
• What do you wish you did less of today?
• What app did you open most today?

Remember, the purpose is to ask a genuine question that invites a genuine answer, gets the conversation really going, and ultimately helps guide you towards a deeper, more caring connection.