Why we need to stop feeling bad about feeling bad

By Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy

Aside from devoting our time and mental energy to work, we often unconsciously hand over something far more precious — our self-worth. You may have high hopes for that enormous raise, prestigious promotion, or swanky new job, but your excitement will almost always be less intense and less lasting than you predict.

Researchers find that your impact bias, the gap between what you think you will feel and what you actually end up feeling, often leads you to “miswant”: you pine for futures that don’t end up making you very happy. “I think you are out of your mind if you keep taking jobs that you don’t like because you think it will look good on your résumé. Isn’t that a little like saving up sex for your old age?” asks Warren Buffett.

Goals are great, and a raise or a promotion will feel amazing in the moment. But promotions are usually not the keys to a happily ever after. It’s time to shed the unhealthy habit of glorifying the future to justify a miserable present. “The direct pursuit of happiness is a recipe for an unhappy life,” writes psychologist Donald Campbell.

Constant happiness is unattainable (or at least we have yet to experience it personally). We usually describe ourselves as “happy” when we get more than we already had or when we find out we are a little better off than those around us. Neither of these are permanent states.

Contentedness, on the other hand, can be more emotionally stable. The most content people craft their ups and downs into redemption stories: something bad happened, but something good resulted.

So how can you be more content now, in your less-than-perfect work life?

Stop feeling bad about feeling bad

Our jobs can put a lot of pressure on us to radiate happiness and positivity. The values of many companies explicitly encourage employees to be positive:

? Tiffany & Co. — Focus on the positive

? Kellogg’s — Promote a positive, energizing, optimistic, and fun environment

? Zappos — Build a Positive Team and Family Spirit

The pressure to be perky is so great that the National Labor Review Board ruled employers cannot force employees to always be cheerful (we’re guessing a lot of employees sulked in satisfaction after the ruling). But the nature of work is to experience setbacks and to show up when you’re needed, even if you don’t feel like it. So stop blaming yourself for not feeling happy all the time. A better version of the familiar adage “Grin and bear it” may be: “Sometimes you have to bear it, but you shouldn’t force yourself to grin.”

When we try to suppress our sadness, disappointment, or anger, we are more likely to feel those same emotions. A survey that asked people to rate how strongly they agreed with statements such as “I tell myself I shouldn’t be feeling the way that I’m feeling” revealed that those who felt bad about feeling bad had lower well-being than their more self-accepting peers. “How we approach our own negative emotional reactions is really important,” explains University of Toronto assistant professor Brett Ford. “People who accept these emotions without judging or trying to change them are able to cope with their stress more successfully.”

Another reason to cut yourself some slack: a little pessimism can go a long way. Liz will often convince herself the worst is going to happen (e.g., she’ll flub an important client presentation or bomb a test), but this anxiety motivates her to work harder. Researchers differentiate between strategic optimists and defensive pessimists (like Liz): strategic optimists envision best possible outcomes and try to make them happen whereas defensive pessimists tend to focus on what could go wrong and then work hard to avoid those situations. In studies, these groups perform equally well except when defensive pessimists are forced to cheer up.

Con?de in a few people, but don’t vent

Talking to a trusted colleague when you’re upset can be cathartic; when nurses who are frustrated with patients or doctors can share their frustrations with one another in private staff rooms, they are better able to handle stress.

But it’s possible to get mired in your woes. Chronic venting, when you rehash the same problems without trying to understand or solve them, makes you and the people listening to you feel worse. Women might be especially susceptible to the downsides of venting because they are often socialized to handle problems by talking about them. Psychologist Amanda Rose found that although revisiting issues and focusing on negative feelings strengthened female friendships, it also left both women feeling more anxious and depressed.

When you’re upset, it feels good to run to someone in your support network, the group of people who will immediately take your side (your mom or your best friend, for example). But if you talk to only these people, you sabotage your ability to learn from or fix the problem. Make sure you also confide in your challenge network, the people who will tell you hard truths and push you to resolve the issue.

Get a clear picture of what you need to do

This tip is less about cultivating contentedness and more about blocking unnecessary stressors. Uncertainty feels bad. When you’re confused about what you’re supposed to be working on, you become wracked with guilt and anxiety. And at work, feeling unsure often turns into feeling unnecessary. You start to fear for your job. You pull late nights at the office trying to do everything, but with no real sense of accomplishment or relief. Research by Berkeley professor Morten Hansen shows that a quarter of us are often unable to focus because of a lack of direction from our bosses.

You will feel a lot better about leaving at a reasonable hour or taking vacation if you know you’re doing a good job (in fact, high performers take almost twice as much vacation as their colleagues). And the first step to feeling confident is to figure out your boss’s priorities. “Working on the right thing is probably more important than working hard,” notes Flickr cofounder Caterina Fake.

How can you ask for guidance without looking incompetent? If you’re not sure whether the launch email or report draft is more pressing, don’t tell your boss you’re confused. Instead, create a list of the big items on your plate and rank them in order of importance. Then take this list to your manager and ask her to confirm your prioritization.

Focus on the here and now

Harvard psychologists Matthew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert estimate we spend only half our time focused on the present. Why does that matter? We’re happiest when we live in the moment, no matter what we’re working on. In a study of more than five thousand people, Killingsworth and Gilbert found that a wandering mind is usually an unhappy mind.

When our minds wander toward the past or the future, they often end up ruminating. Rumination differs from healthy reflection, when we analyze specific elements of a problem to better understand it. Say you email your coworker edits to her draft and don’t get an immediate response. Rumination occurs when you jump to thoughts like “she thinks I’m dumb” or “my edits are always bad.”

You can learn to bring your mind back to the present and stop ruminating. The first step to feeling better is to notice your cognitive distortions, or the dirty tricks your brain plays on you. Psychologist Martin Seligman identified the “three Ps” we tend to focus on after a negative event:

? Personalization: thinking that the event is all your fault

? Pervasiveness: thinking that the event is going to ruin every aspect of your life

? Permanence: thinking you are going to feel like this (e.g., bad) forever

Don’t give the Ps a chance! If you find yourself pessimistically obsessing, reframe your thoughts. Here are some ideas:

? Personalization: Instead of immediately thinking, “I’m the reason we lost the client,” try to look at what happened more objectively. On any project, issues will come up that are beyond your control. Own up to your mistakes, but don’t needlessly blame everything on yourself.

? Pervasiveness: If you realize after a meeting you had a stain on your blouse, try not to become consumed with anxiety. A tiny mistake is unlikely to start a chain reaction that ends in complete disaster.

? Permanence: The words always and never are usually indications your self-reflection has turned self-destructive. Say your boss isn’t happy with a one-pager you created. Instead of thinking, “I’ll never be a good designer,” focus on the single event: “This wasn’t my best work, but I can learn more skills and improve.”

Lastly, remember your thoughts are simply that: thoughts. Acknowledge them, but recognize they are not inevitable truths (even if they feel true).

Let go of what you can’t control

Stressors fall into two categories: those you can do something about (the withins) and those beyond your control (the beyonds). If you’re anxious because of withins — unanswered emails in your inbox or an impending deadline — the easiest way to feel better is to complete the thing that is stressing you out. “Nothing diminishes anxiety faster than action,” notes the American painter and writer Walter Anderson.

How do you stop stressing about the things you can’t control? First, you have to be diligent about recognizing what you can’t control. If you feel responsible for the beyonds, you’ll never be able to confidently say you’ve done enough and relax.

Psychologist Nick Wignall schedules five to fifteen minutes every day to write down all his anxieties. He then highlights everything that is (1) an actual problem, (2) urgent (it must be done in the next day or two), and (3) within his control. Nick would not highlight a hypothetical worry like, “What if I get sick before the big client meeting next week?” He would highlight “I forgot to reply to Christine’s email.” For each highlighted problem, Nick sets a reminder to complete the next smallest step he can take (e.g., “Respond to Christine’s email tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.”).

Adapted from No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Embracing Emotions at Work by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy with permission of Portfolio, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. Copyright ? Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy, 2019.