Why we need to rethink grief

Grief is a profound and overwhelming journey. A loss leaves you feeling hollow and numb, with your body trembling under the weight of sorrow. Eating and sleeping become difficult, and above all, you are haunted by the realization that the one you love is gone, never to return.

The emotions that stem from grieving and mourning are universal and unchanged over time. From the start of recorded history to today, people have faced and tried to cope with the loss of family members, friends, and even beloved pets.

Since nearly everyone eventually experiences grief, you might not be surprised that there’s a “Grief Awareness Day,” which takes place today, Aug. 30. I strongly feel it’s one of the more important occasions on the calendar because grief is something few people want to think about or talk about in their day-to-day lives.

But, when the time comes, grief is never easy, and the unique ways each of us cope with it are changing. A day dedicated to better understanding grief and mourning helps us prepare for when we or someone we know is struggling with a loss.

The evolution of memorial services

One significant shift in how we mourn is the expansion of memorial services. These gatherings have always brought together friends, family, and community members to confront the reality of a loss and support each other. They offer closure and help strengthen relationships that are so critical in the grieving process.

Just a few years ago, such services were most likely to be in the form of a traditional and solemn funeral. Today, more and more families are opting for a “celebration of life,” which is more festive and less focused on death.

I’ve noticed this trend accelerating since the pandemic as customers increasingly shipped flowers and other sympathy gifts away from mortuaries and churches to family homes and even party venues. The shift in tone was also apparent in the messages accompanying the gifts.

Since the pandemic, celebrations of life have continued to grow in popularity. Even older generations support it.

Loreen, a team member at 1-800-Flowers.com, told me that, before her father's passing, she learned of his desire for a celebration of life instead of a funeral. It was the first such end-of-life memorial for her family. She explains:

“When my dad passed two years ago, we understood his preferences and honored them. Now, having gone through it, I wouldn't do it any other way for another family member or for myself. It was joyous!”

For many, the shift in tone from a funeral to a celebration of life helps with the grieving process. A festive atmosphere doesn’t make the emotional impact of loss disappear, but it opens the door to sharing stories and strengthening relationships.

New approaches to mourning

The evolution of in how we grieve and mourn isn’t limited to formal or informal services. Technology has not only changed how we live, but how we mourn.

Digital memorials on Facebook, Instagram, and other platforms allow mourners to share photos and lasting tributes that can be visited any time and from anywhere. In a sense, they keep the celebration of life – and the stories – alive for generations to come.

Some of the platforms are communal. One example is the beautiful AIDS Memorial on Instagram, which includes remembrances by loved ones, written in their own words, about those who were lost to the disease. New remembrances are posted almost every day, honoring some of the nearly 42 million people who have so far died from AIDS around the world.

Before too long, we’ll also have the option of using virtual reality to transport us to cemeteries and churches, where we can share memories and stories regardless of where we happen to be.

All these options show how mourning is becoming as varied and personal as life itself, and as unique as those we have lost.

What to say

Celebrations of life and digital memorials can make it easier to offer condolences and share stories, but mourners are still faced with the challenge of what to say. Fear of saying something wrong holds us back.

Often, a simple message – whether in a text message or greeting card – is enough to open the door. Our Connectivity Council suggests that the initial message capture your uncertainty about reaching out. Here’s one way of doing that:

“Hi, I just wanted to check in and let you know that I’m thinking of you. I wasn’t sure if I should reach out because I know it’s such a personal time, but wanted to let you know I’m here for you if you want to talk.”

If the person wants to talk, be sure to validate their feelings with phrases like “It’s OK to feel this way” and offer concrete help. Avoid comparing your situation to theirs because every loss is different. And don’t use cliches like “he’s in a better place” or “time heals all sounds.” Above all, offer to stay in touch and make sure it happens, especially after the services.

Even though the way we grieve and mourn is changing, the nature of the emotion involved has not. Navigating loss is always difficult, and everyone will have a different reaction. It’s in our power to make a difference for those who are grieving by letting them know they aren’t alone.

All the best,

Jim