Why we need to let go of the mum guilt.

I had my first experience of mum guilt when my first-born daughter was 4 days old. She was crying for much of the day and my husband came to me and suggested that we give her some formula as she seemed hungry. I had been trying to feed her hours, but despite my best efforts, my milk had just not come in. We called the nurse-on-call (angels!), and decided to give my daughter some of the formula which I had bought “just in case” however had not actually intended to use. She was content and happy. I should have been happy too, or at least relieved, however my thoughts all centred on how I had let her down and how my body had let us both down.

It happened over and over again in those first few months. I accidentally hit her head on the car when putting her in the car seat, she cat-napped during the day because I didn’t know what I was doing, and she didn’t have the fancy things because we couldn’t afford them.

The big one came when it was time for me to return to work. I wasn’t able to go back to my previous employer, so I had to job search with a 4.5 month old baby. Imagine me running around the city in my shirt, pencil skirt and heels, pushing a pram, dropping my daughter at my husband’s work, jumping on a tram, running to the interview and trying to convince people to hire me, then back on the tram to collect my daughter and find the nearest breastfeeding room. I had 11 interviews in 2 weeks and it ultimately led me to my role at bp, so I had a huge sense of accomplishment. However, there was also huge feelings of guilt that I wasn’t able to prioritise my baby when she was so young as I had all of these other pressures going through my head when she should have been my sole focus. ?

In the lead up to my maternity leave ending these feelings escalated, as I knew I’d soon be dropping my tiny baby at childcare and relying on my mum for help. Then one day I found out that others were also judging me for going back to work so ‘early.’ That was the moment I decided enough was enough when it came to the mum guilt, it had to stop. I reflected on the fact that my return to work wasn’t really a choice for me, it was the best and only decision we could make for our family. ?Many other women around the world don’t have the luxury of having 6 months off work after the birth of their baby, so my feelings of guilt felt unfair, not only to myself but to all the women who were just doing their best. So I made the decision to stop feeling guilty and whenever the feelings crept in I would meet them with self-compassion.

I now have two daughters and they are coming up to 7 and 3 years old and I’d be lying if I said I never experience mum guilt. However, I have learned to experience the feeling without letting it consume me.

I speak with mums all the time who share stories with me where they’re feeling guilty about not being able to be all things to all people, and I encourage them to be kind to themselves. Hence, I wanted to share these thoughts with a wider audience in the hope it will help our working mums.

Is it really guilt? The difference between guilt and shame.

Something that has struck me recently is that what we call ‘mum guilt’ may actually be more than that, it can be rooted in shame. Brene Brown has described guilt as “I did something bad” whereas shame is “I am bad.”

For example, accidentally making the bottle too hot or forgetting to pack your child’s lunch can bring on feelings of guilt. We are holding ourselves up against a standard we expect, and we missed the mark. ?

However, when you feel like you are missing that mark over and over again, it’s easy to fall down a spiral in to shame. To quote Brene Brown, shame is a “deeply painful experience of believing that we are flawed and somehow unworthy – I’m not enough”. Resonate?

When I reflect on those early months of motherhood it’s clear that my feelings of guilt compounded into shame. Why aren’t my body and maternal instincts kicking in? Everyone else seems to know what they’re doing, why don’t I? If only I had have gotten a better or new job before getting pregnant, I wouldn’t be in this situation. Am I really prioritising money over being with my child who needs me? I am useless. I am not a superwoman. I am not worthy of this child. Shame.

Letting it go.

So how do you let it go? In the early days of releasing the mum guilt, I told myself that guilt is a completely useless emotion. Squash it and move on. Sure, acknowledge that the feeling was creeping in but don’t absorb it. I have come to realise that guilt can be a useful opportunity to learn, just like any mistake. There is a power in accepting responsibility for the action, then quickly moving on to a mindset of: I did something bad, but I didn’t intend to, so what can I learn from this?

Working mums really do have a tough gig. Generally speaking, we carry the weight of the mental load of our households on our shoulders. Even those of us who have partners that do their bit. I know I’m constantly thinking about my family’s mental and physical wellbeing, the state of the house (and never-ending washing), the grocery shopping, the copious amounts of emails from the school, extracurricular activities, kid’s social lives, the pets, am I being a good friend, am I being a good daughter, am I environmentally conscious, am I being a good role model, am I raising good humans? Then you need to be able to switch in to work mode and give 110% to make an impact at work, making the juggle of your many responsibilities seem effortless. There’s then a minuscule amount of energy (if anything) left to invest in yourself. ?It is exhausting. So, when you’re carrying a big old sack of shame on your back on top of that mental load, it can be debilitating. It’s not fair and it’s holding us back.

That’s the point I got to when I was returning to work after my first parental leave. I made a conscious choice then and there to stop beating myself up with these feelings of guilt. For me, I’ve tried to acknowledge that the feeling is creeping in then ask myself if it’s something within my control? If it is, make a change. If it’s not, is there any value in feeling guilty? I then feel more able to meet the feeling with self-compassion. When I hand over my crying three-year-old to the childcare educator and run out of the gate, I’m telling myself that I’m going to work to support my family and it’s good for me and my kids. And by nipping the feelings of guilt in the bud, I have been able to avoid the compounding shame.

What to do if you’re struggling.

If this has struck a chord, please speak up. Talk to someone about how you’re feeling. For this generation of mothers, it’s becoming more common to see women calling out their “failures” and “imperfections” in social media and the like, yet many of us still struggle to let people see that we don’t have our sh!t together. An honest discussion with your girlfriends will confirm that you are most certainly not alone. Think about the advice you would give to them, and give that advice to yourself.

Allow yourself a circuit breaker every now and again, take a day off to recharge. When you are feeling resilient, it’s so much easier to avoid these feelings taking hold.

And if you’re really struggling, please reach out to your employee assistance program at work if available, or seek advice from your GP or a mental health professional. You deserve to feel happy. You are worthy and you are enough. ??