Why we need to get Comfortable in our Own Presence

In this world where adventures, incessant travels, social media posts and achievements are valued and recognised over time spent in solitude, reflecting on the ‘why’, ‘what’ and ‘how comes’ of life, the outcome is consistently the same…we produce a community who are unable to be at peace and rest when they are left to themselves, alone in their own presence. It frightens some, causes anxiety to others, and for many deep distress and even depression.

Let’s look at 3 points on why it’s so important to be comfortable in our own presence, and how we can start getting cozy…with our own self.

Point 1. Restlessness is a curse to you being in a state of peace and being free.

“A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.” said Arthur Schopenhauer. We cramp our working life schedules full to the brim with activities, tasks and appointments and when we retire, we pack it again with plans to travel with friends and for adventures we didn’t have the time or money for earlier on…we are used to raising the workaholic and restless beings on a pedestal as our role model, and then we wonder why our hearts are troubled and unable to rest when the light dims down, the sounds fade and it is time to be with ourselves. We find that we are actually strangers with our own being and uncomfortable to be left alone in this stranger’s company. We don’t know what we should be thinking or telling ourselves; we try to call or text someone to distract us, or play the radio or TV in the background non-stop but we will never escape the inevitable fact- the only consistent company we will ever have in this life is – our own self.

Point 2. Its unsustainable and unrealistic to expect consistent company.

We can plan to have people and sound around us throughout the day and night, but we will find that we can be in a crowd but still be lonely. In fact, the more we need to be surrounded by people and noise incessantly, the more the chances are that we are in effect - very lonely people. How long can we sustain having the same people around us anyways? Our children will move on with their own commitments at some stage, our partners will start to get annoyed if we constantly display signs of co-dependent behaviour and our friends, - they have dreams and goals to achieve for themselves.

So what do we do?

Point 3. Value and Invest in spending time with You.

There is a huge difference between solitude and loneliness. Loneliness is a state of loss, marked by despair and hopelessness ... Solitude is the healthy and positive state of being alone without being lonely. So how do we start getting comfortable with solitude? It doesn’t happen automatically. We need to learn to value it first, and then plan to schedule times of solitude into our lives regularly. Learn to set apart time to be alone, read books, learn a craft, write your thoughts down and reflect on them, grapple with the questions which have never been answered by philosophers and others till date, you don’t need necessarily to find the answers…but its important you interrogate them yourself.

Albert Camus, in his Notebooks 1951-1959 wrote “Find meaning. Distinguish melancholy from sadness. Go out for a walk. It doesn’t have to be a romantic walk in the park, spring at its most spectacular moment, flowers and smells and outstanding poetical imagery smoothly transferring you into another world. It doesn’t have to be a walk during which you’ll have multiple life epiphanies and discover meanings no other brain ever managed to encounter. Do not be afraid of spending quality time by yourself. Find meaning or don’t find meaning but 'steal' some time and give it freely and exclusively to your own self. Opt for privacy and solitude.”

When we have reached a point of becoming comfortable with our own company, we will find that restlessness and longing to be surrounded by background noise and chatter lose their influence over our lives. You may remember the words of William Wordsworth from your school days,

“For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills,

And dances with the daffodils.”

We need to look forward to reaching the state where we start thriving and enjoying the treasures which solitude holds within.

May Sarton put the relationship between loneliness and solitude quite bluntly, “Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is richness of self.”

We need to work towards arriving at a stage of our lives where we can be alone,- but not lonely.

For being at peace with oneself starts with not just accepting the fact that we are in essence mostly alone in this journey of life, and making peace with this constant companion, but embracing the beauty and solace in this walk…with our own being.

-?????????Jerry Selvaseelan

Logical Retreat Limited, 2022.