Why we love to hate

I recently went to a Tech Conclave which was an extravaganza in itself. There were plenty of speakers around, delivering keynote speeches based on their areas of expertise. I had gone there all by myself and was keen to get insights from the experts on various topics.

Since it was a community of like-minded professionals, I also chanced upon speaking to other attendees after the sessions. Below are two different scenarios that occurred :

Scenario 1

Karan: Hey X, what do you think of this last session?

X: He was boring and uninteresting, his speech was drab and grey.

Coincidentally, I also found the speaker to be boring and hence, was able to bond with X quite easily over our common dislike for the speaker.

Scenario 2

Y:?Finally the session has ended, phew. What’s your take on this one?

Karan: Well, I enjoyed the session. He was able to articulate his points pretty well.

After this, Y didn’t say much and we didn’t bond too well, unlike X. Yet there was something positive that came out of this brief interaction.

What was the positive??Will cover this later in the article.

Is there a stronger bond than two people who dislike/hate the same person? Well, the answer to this age-old cliche is a “momentary” yes.

Hating is a socially unacceptable act yet we never refrain from it. And when we are driven by strong emotions to share our negative opinions about someone, it simply adds up to the mesmerizing chaos. And this negative opinion sharing mostly ends up in the form of new connections.

Ironically, we tend to form strong bonds with others (even though momentarily) when we share a common disliking toward someone. The same frequency may never match when there’s a positive feeling toward someone.

What fuels hatred?

Despite being taught about having good thoughts about others, hatred is an evil that strongly exists among all of us. Here are some primary reasons for it :

1. Blame game –?Rather than confronting our own problems, the convenient way out is to channel our energy into blaming someone else – a person or group, or circumstances. That’s precisely why people join hate groups – blamers join another group of blamers who share common beliefs and hence, there is a strong sense of belongingness and acceptance
2. Loneliness –?It is easier to make connections by putting others down and befriending ones who agree. Joining such people/groups replenishes the need for friendship and companionship, even if it is based on the bedrock of deceit and hatred
3. Insecurity –?Comparisons with other people make us realize how better their lives are. They possess significant traits that we will never have. So the best outlet is to vent against them and project our insecurities onto them

How to overcome this monster?

The hate we feel against certain people is deeply rooted in our minds to such an extent that it seems inevitable. However, change is possible.

Bassan Aramin, a Palestinian “terrorist”, was jailed at the age of 17 when he tried to blow up an Israeli military convoy. He spewed venom against the Jews, however in jail, he saw a movie about the Holocaust, and it transformed his perspective towards humanity. While watching the movie, he broke down and realized his role in the atrocities on mankind. Later, he went on to complete a master’s degree in holocaust studies and founded an organization for the bereaved Israelis and Palestinians.

When it comes to hating a certain community or a group of people, we are nothing but a product of the culture around us. It is important to identify the hate within us and challenge the ideas and thoughts around it.

And secondly, connecting as communities with open-mindedness and compassion is the key. Studies show that teenagers who attend racially integrated classes have much lesser racial bias than others. We tend to remain so separated from each other, that we unconsciously look for acceptance from like-minded people and end up forming strong negative opinions for the ones outside our cohort.

So what happens when we make these superficial connections and try to force fit ourselves?

Refer to Scenario 1 & 2 in the first paragraph.

The connections formed on the back of hatred are fraught with anger, frustration, and disgust. And that’s how the other person is going to perceive us in the long run. These feelings from us tend to bring others’ emotional state down and hence, they wouldn’t want to stick around for long. I happened to bond with Mr. X but in the evening, he accidentally bumped into me and turned a blind eye.

On the contrary, Mr. Y with whom I didn’t connect much, met me later and passed a radiant smile as he bid goodbye. He had developed concrete positive memories of how I made him feel, as I projected the positive words onto him when I appreciated the speaker.

We are born with the capacity for aggression as well as the capacity for compassion. It’s up to us what we embrace and what we feed – it’s a mindful choice.