Why We Hold onto The Past

Why We Hold Onto The Past

Many of us get stuck in the past because of our need for certainty. Letting go of the past also means stepping into the unknown future. It means having the courage to let go of what is familiar – even if it’s negative – and being vulnerable enough to embrace and learn from what’s ahead. It's normal to fear the unknown but we don’t want to get stuck.

If I hold on to the painful experience, I can keep it from happening again. You’re barely functioning with the horrific experience burned into your mind. It’d be unbearable to do it all over again. So, you put immense pressure on your shoulders to be extra-vigilant:?I could never forgive myself if it happened again.

Watching for signs of a potentially painful experience gives you the sense of being in control. But it’s a false sense of control. Your inner critic believes you’re not competent enough to handle the situation if it arises. As a result, your inner critic uses your pain to kick you in the butt… to avoid more pain. This just keeps you living in the past.

They hurt you so much. Forgiving them is unthinkable. You want them to understand how excruciating it feels:?If they felt just as hurt, I’d feel better. Unfortunately, the person who harmed you doesn’t seem to care how you feel. They might even refuse to admit what they did or blame you instead. They might not even realize they did anything or hurt you.

Why We Need to Let Go

We can’t change the past - we spend too much of our precious time dwelling on the past. “I wish I could just erase that mistake.” “Why did that happen to me?” “I wish I’d made my own choices earlier.”?We can get stuck in this negative cycle. It leads us nowhere but more pain and lack of self-worth.

Close one door and another one opens - When you?release?your past struggles, mistakes, setbacks and fears,?you make room for something new to emerge. The world is full of amazing and exciting opportunities waiting to be discovered. New experiences will be knocking at your door when you allow yourself to close the old one.

Your past is not your full identity, it’s just a piece of it -?it’s part of your history, a part of who you are but it’s not you. Your experiences reflect pieces of yourself. Things happen, but the way they happen, their unique way of presenting themselves, is colored by each person individually. You place your own imprint on the way events occur. Your identity is as much a part of your tomorrows as is your past. When you stay mired in the past you prevent yourself from living in the present and living into your tomorrow.

Today is a good time to take stock of what is not finished in your life. Maybe you need to complete something that was never resolved. Maybe you need to make peace with part of your past that is over and done. Maybe you need to promise yourself to commit to open yourself to the new and the yet unknown. Maybe you haven’t worked through the anger and need to forgive. Forgiveness lets you release the past and move forward. Staying angry keeps us stuck.

Letting Go

Letting go starts with acceptance. When we have a situation we can’t change, the best thing to do is accept.

Accept the situation as it is today

Stop fighting/resisting – this adds more stress. When we hold on to the situation, it keeps us stuck in victim mode

Take some time to be in acceptance without trying to change it.

Make decisions/choices, move forward with clarity and focus – is your decision based on fear or love?

Forgiveness – is done for you, by you. Is done so you can have peace, release the anger, and move forward in life. Forgiveness for others as well as yourself. Accept the fact that you may never get an apology. Forgiveness is done for you and you only. You get to decide what the relationship looks like or if you still have one. Forgiveness is so you can let go of the pain and the space they are renting out in your head rent free!

Remind yourself of the consequences of holding onto the painful past.?Keeps us stuck, angry, hurt, fearful, etc.

Ask yourself the following questions:

What will be the long-term consequences of holding on to the pain?

How will it affect my next 1-3 years of life? How will it affect my relationships? My mental/emotional health?

If I don’t let go, how will I feel in 1 year having the same thoughts, feelings, and negativity?

Can/Can’t Control – we can’t change our past, but we can move forward. When we focus on what we can control, we get our power back.

What can I focus my time and energy on instead of being stuck in the past. How can I make positive progress?

What is one step I can take to get started moving forward today?

Create some physical distance from the person or situation that caused you the pain if this is possible. Having some distance helps us to heal and let go. We are not constantly being reminded of the pain. This can mean taking a break from the person or ending the relationship.

Evaluate

Examine how this past situation has impacted you. Answering these questions can be a healthy way to evaluate.

What decisions did I make??What could you have done differently?

What do I regret?

What physical and emotional stuff comes up for you?

How is the past impacting my present and thoughts of the future?

What fears come up for you? How are these fears affecting your life?

?For more information please visit: www.dianelang.org or email [email protected]