Why we Don't Listen - And what to do about it.

[VIDEO TRANSCRIPT BELOW]

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I'm on shaky ground with this video blog because if you ask my wife Megan - she'll tell you I'm one of the world's worst listeners. 

Well I think we all can be quite poor at listening and I'd like to talk about two reasons why. The first is why it's difficult to pay attention and how to fix that and the second is one thing we do that makes the whole listening thing much more difficult than it needs to be. 

Let's start with attention. Last year in August I spent 10 days on a silent meditation retreat - a Vipassana retreat. And for those of you who don't know what that is - it's ten days of not speaking with anybody, or making eye contact, or having any writing materials or electronic devices. And you sit for eight hours a day still in silent meditation. It's really hard.

For the first three and a half - four days you're asked to focus on just one thing - and that is the sensation of breath on that little part of your upper lip. Just one thing! How easy could that be?

Well it's extremely difficult - just try it for a minute or five minutes and see your thoughts invading as you try to do that and the reason it's very difficult. Your breath is highly predictable - you can pretty easily predict your breath and whatever is easily predicted we don't pay attention to and that's why when you come home and have a standard conversation with your partner or your family when you say the same things day-in, day-out you don't listen.

You don't listen because you can easily predict. The antidote to making conversation too easy predict is to ask for stories and try this at home ask for the story about what happened t -hen what happened and then and then and then what - because stories are inherently interesting even day-to-day stories are interesting and we pay attention. If you listen to the best interviewers the best in-depth interviewers - the David Lettermans, Craig Fergusons - in the united kingdom Michael Parkinson or even Graham Norton - in Australia we have Andrew Denton. These people are brilliant at getting the other person's story they want to know how did you feel then what happened then one and they prompt just to get the story.

And a couple of things happen - first is you will listen because stories are interesting. The person will feel that connection because people like telling their story they feel listened to when they're able to tell their story so that's clue number one it's more interesting if you get a story and the second thing is something we do that makes it VERY difficult to listen.

Here's a model of your brain (shows two fists together) it's about that big in two halves and about three quarters all of the outside part of you brain is dedicated to doing one thing in a business conversation and that one thing is prediction. I've already said that if it's not interesting we stop - if it's too predictable - we stop listening but think about what you are predicting you're listening to the other person talk.

You're predicting what they're going to say ... next and then what will they say after that? And you're predicting how they feel and you're predicting what they would have seen as they're telling you what happened more than that you're predicting what you're going to say and you're predicting how you're going to feel when you say that and how they're going to feel when they hear you say that and what they might say after you say that thing - WHOA! hang on a second this is now REALLY difficult if you're trying to predict what you're going to say while you're listening - almost certainly you will stop listening carefully enough.

So here's the antidote to that - I have a notepad and as I'm listening and prompting for their story I'll take short notes, if something is said that I would like to respond to - they say something I'd like to say something - I just make a little note to the side I draw a vertical line down line I put notepad and on the right side I just make these little notes of things I'd like to refer back to and then when they're finished getting their story out you can say - "well I heard you say this ..." and "a couple of minutes ago you said... this "and I wondered if maybe this is relevant...?"

Now you're responding to what they said - if on the other hand you're trying to think of what to say while they're speaking you won't be responding to what they said you'll be just saying something automatic that comes out of your mind - some sales patter, for example, and they'll feel like you weren't listening.

So listening is difficult. Don't listen to people who tell you listening is easy - just listen! That is not true, listening is difficult - it's one of the most difficult things we do.

You can make it easier on yourself by firstly getting the other person to be more interesting - by prompting for their story and secondly by not trying to figure out what you're going to say until they've stopped.

And that will mean silence.

Listen to Jordan Peterson on YouTube, for example, when he's asked a question he will stop and think for several seconds it seems uncomfortable and to you it might seem like an eternity but it's not - you're giving yourself time to properly respond to answer exactly what they're saying and that's different from just saying something. So get their story that'll be interesting don't try to speak as you're wait until after this and I think you'll find your conversations both at home and your business conversations go much better.

I'm Mike Adams

Thanks very much for listening!

About the author

Best-selling author, engineer, sales management specialist and sales coach at The Story Leader, Mike has managed sales teams in the United Kingdom, Russia, India, China, Vietnam, Indonesia, Malaysia and Australia across a range of industries, including IT & Software, Telecommunications, Oil and Gas, Mining, Facilities Services and Industrial Products.

Mike consults for and coaches revenue growth teams across many industries throughout Australia and internationally.

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