Why we don’t like to talk about money but should.

Money is a funny thing. The old saying tells us that it can’t buy happiness, but when we’re looking at a stack of bills, holidays we want to plan and what feels like an empty bank account, it’s hard to agree.

Money undeniably causes stress. It contributes to a large chunk of arguments in relationships. And despite its prevalence in our lives, it’s difficult for many people to speak comfortably about it.  

The reality is, money does not make us happy.

Yes, it does add to life satisfaction; afterall, no one wants to struggle to live comfortably. Money provides freedom of choice, security and safety. But Princeton University found that there is a threshold for how much money makes us happy. Globally, the average is $95,000 annually. Previous studies have put the “satiation point,” as it is called, at $84,000 (in 2016 dollars) for US households.

Either way, there is a ceiling on our monetary happiness, and it’s probably lower than you expected. 

It may help to think about why we think about money the way we do. Historically, money was a tool to help people achieve their goals, like owning a home and raising a family. It wasn’t until later that growing money became a goal in itself. That shift came with the invention of profit, and with it, the invention of debt. That evolution is a story for another day, but it is important to understand that growing money simply for the sake of growing it is rooted in how our capitalist economies have been wired. 

Despite how pervasive money is in our society and everyday functioning, it’s one of the most difficult things for us to talk about- even more difficult than politics or religion. Wells Fargo found that

a third of Americans are more worried about their financial health than their physical health.

But 44% see personal finance as the most challenging subject to talk about with others. Even death was considered an easier topic to broach! 

It shouldn’t be a surprise that we don’t want to talk about money, considering how much it stresses us out. About two-thirds of adults expect to live past the age of 80, but only one in three of us are confident that we will have enough money to afford to do so, and only 35% feel financial secure, according to a study from consulting firm Mercer.

More than half of adults say they are at least somewhat stressed about their financial situation. General economic conditions (41%) and personal health (40%) are the top two worries for adults watching their wallets. 

Similarly, money is a major cause of stress in relationships. In fact, it’s been named as the main cause of relationship stress, well above a partner’s annoying habits.

Friction often comes from couples hiding expenses from each other, having different saving habits or even different views on how their money should be invested. One in five Americans has spent $500 or more on a purchase without their partner knowing, CreditCards.com found in a report. And, some 7.2 million Americans have hidden a bank or credit card account from their live-in spouse or partner.

So then how do we develop a better relationship with money?

Having an open conversation about money will not only reduce stress levels and improve your relationships, it can also do a lot of good for the world.

Here are three strategies that might be helpful when thinking about money:

1. Do a bit of personal soul searching.

Think about what money means to you. How do you relate to it? Is money just a figure in your bank account, or can it be a tool you use to express your values and do good? What are you biggest fears regarding money- losing it? 

Try this exercise. Think about what your life would look like if you lost 90% of your money tomorrow.

How would you react? What would you do? Alternatively, picture winning a $10 million lottery tomorrow. What would you do with your new found wealth? Would you spend it? How would your actions look different than they do today? 

Thinking about your reactions to these situations can help you redefine your relationship with money. Step outside of seeing money as a dollar sign and numbers in your bank account, or as something that you desperately need to hold on to. Think of it instead as a tool you can wield. Don’t let your money define you, and you’ll find it a much easier subject to talk about. 

2. Discuss money with your friends and family. 

Use them for advice. Your conversations do not have to focus on specific numbers, as that can often make people uncomfortable. These talks should be more focused on your friends and family’s experiences. They will undoubtedly have tried different strategies to manage their own finances, to varying degrees of success. Talk to them about their financial advisors, and the banks they use. Ask them what they like to invest in, and how they chose the companies, themes and values they prioritize in their investments.

Making your conversation about the “what” and the “why” behind money will give you valuable insights and allow you to exchange world views with those closest to you. This can only strengthen your relationships. 

Of course, remember to have the money discussion with your partner. Making joint plans will cut down on mistakes and sources of tension, while also bonding you in a different way. You will also be better prepared as a couple should an emergency occur. Having a money date-night may sound painful, but it can actually be a lot of fun as you learn about each other in new ways. 

Talk about money with your children early and often. Did you know that our basic relationship with money is formed at age seven? To build a solid financial foundation for your children you need to teach them the basic ins and outs of managing pocket money, but also what money can do in the world. For instance, make a small donation to a charity of your choice together. Teaching your children that money is not just a (hopefully) large figure in your bank account, but a tool that can do good, will shape their values and give a strong, giving foundation to the next generation. 

3.Eliminate the stress factors.

Money equates stress for too many of us. But that stress typically comes from a person’s inability to wrap their head around how much money they have, how much they spend and on what, and how much they need to plan for the future. There are a number of helpful calculators you can use online to break down your budget and spending. You can also speak with a financial planner for some professional guidance. The sheer act of getting on top of it will feel even better than purging your house during spring cleaning. Guaranteed. 

The most important thing to remember is that money does not define you nor rule your life. It is only a tool, that you control, that can help you express who you are. You are neither poor nor rich, as global activist Lynne Twist puts it so wonderfully here in her TEDx talk. It is your circumstances, not you. 

“Money is like water,” says Twist. “When it flows, it purifies, it cleanses, it makes things grow…It comes through our lives in a way that allows us to pass it on to the most good.”

I think sharing this feeling with the ones you love is worth a conversation, and hopefully puts you on a path toward a healthier and happier relationship with money.