Why We Do Things

Chapter 1: The New Semester Madness!

It was another day rife with classes and constant social interaction. I came home, and the burden laden upon my shoulders increased tenfold when I found out that my loved ones were confirmed positive for COVID-19.

To say I was heartbroken would be an understatement. It's only when a precious part of our lives is taken from us that we begin to ponder upon, and be stricken by, the endless ways of its cruel affectations. How is this going to affect my life? What about the lives of my loved ones? How about the many inconveniences that'll come with such an event?

Knowing my tendency to overthink and catastrophize even the most minor things, you'd understand how this would affect me. The start of a new academic semester, moving into a separate space away from home, my necessary adaptation to a new daily routine, my heightened social anxiety, and the discovery that my loved ones were confirmed positive all sent shockwaves to my emotional foundation. To say the least, it was a rough couple of days. I had always relied on them as a strong support system; therefore, to isolate myself from their kind and compassionate embrace proved too much.

Chapter 2: Why

So there I was, acknowledging how hopeless the current state of my life was. Devoid of the support and compassion my loved ones always unconsciously supplied me, I knew I had to do something to cull these stormy clouds hanging above my head.

So, I sat in front of my laptop, and my mind inevitably brought me to that short period where I had attempted to optimize my life through the lens of the self-growth genre. Those 2 short months were filled with such things as subscribing to Skillshare classes, watching inspirational videos, reading books and online articles, enacting mindfulness meditation, setting goals, establishing a reward and punishment system, basically anything to do with self-growth. It was a tumultuous journey with its own ups and downs, all serving the purpose of bettering my life. However, one of the most significant takeaways was the emphasis made on one's "Why."

Why am I doing the things I'm doing? Why am I attending university and putting up with all the ups and downs that come with it? Why do I put an emphasis on family values? I'm sure there are a million and one reasons why different people do different things. My big "Why" at the time was to fulfill my promise to my younger self. That still hasn't changed, even until this day. What served as a catalyst to a beautiful revelation I'd soon discover was this old photo of my family and me at the airport many years ago. It showed an eager Asyraf ready to send off his big brother to the UK for his degree.

Chapter 3: A Renewed Sense of Purpose

And it immediately hit me, like a strike of inspiration magically appearing in my mind: my new big "Why." I'm doing this not just for my childhood self but also for my loved ones too: To make them proud of me; To make them not doubt the many resources they've sacrificed for my well-being and happiness; To reassure them that I can take care of myself even when they're not with me.

Right then and there, I imagined my graduation day. My loved ones (family and friends) would wait outside the building entrance. I would go outside as a fresh university graduate and then run over to embrace them and to see their precious smiles at the sight of my newly-minted victory.

To imagine such a thing happening in reality would not only be a dream come true, but it'd also be the greatest form of validation for so many sleepless and tearful nights where I just wanted to hide from the realities of the world. And it'd also be a tremendous foundation of happiness for my loved ones.

Bearing this new "Why" in mind, I reignited a sense of purpose that was absent during my first few years at university. It wasn't all colors and rainbows, however. The next day, I remember having one of the worst anxious episodes of the semester so far, compounded by homesickness and loneliness. It didn't precisely eradicate all the problems I was facing at the time; it merely gave me hope for something to look forward to once I've braved these stormy weathers. And I know that, someday, they'll come true. Until then, I'll keep the precious faces of my loved ones in my mind until such a time when they'll be taking off my graduation hat and uttering the words: we're proud of you. ??