Why we aren't listening anymore

We have stopped listening to one another. This may just be another example where the internet brings old issues to light in larger ways. We all want to share our thoughts and for the first time we can do so with thousands of people with minimal effort. But that's the issue - we too often want to share OUR thoughts and not respectfully listen to the thoughts of others.

What do I mean by not listening? If someone tells you they had the best burger at a place near the mall and you respond with "can you believe the grocery store was out of pineapple?" The response in this exchange shows no acknowledgment of the original person's statement. You just wanted to be heard on the thought that popped in your head.

I have seen this exchange in my marriage, between parents and children, at work, and a whole lot in comments in social media. We are all guilty of this at one time or another. And while my example was silly, let me bring this home in business where it has become prevalent and destructive.

Not Acknowledging what was said

Person A says "We need to communicate when we make changes so that people are aware." Person B says "We need to make these changes! They are critical! You need to be willing to accept the changes." This happens so often. Where did Person A say they didn't accept or want the change? Person B is not acknolwedging what Person A said. When we fail to acknowledge the first person's statement, in this case by jumping to tangentially related statements, we are failing to listen.

Using my above example, if someone says that an action is bad (not communicating change), then we first need to either acknowledge that the action is bad or not. If we do not feel it is bad, a constructive response could be "<That action> is not really bad. If we look at (history, reasoning behind the action, impact of the action, etc), then we will see it can be a necessary or positive thing." In this example, that could look like "In this case, not communicating this change was not really a bad thing. If we look at previous changes like this, the team has ignored communications on the change and those that did read it provided feedback that it was just noise. They felt the change was so small, they didn't even need to be told." Now this is showing listening to what was initially said and allows both parties to continue in respectful dialogue. (Note: I am not saying this would be the end of this conversation, but just how it can start respectfully, with listening.)

Not responding to what was said and grouping into other experiences

Attacking someone based on other experiences. This is such a common experience today. Let's say a person (Person A) has been receiving feedback from their boss and another leader about how they need to perform better (sell more, reduce bugs in code, get more leads, process more invoices, etc). Then, another person (Person B), offers to help Person A with some work. Person A responds "I am working my hardest over here! These expectations are unrealistic! You think you can do my job better?!" Woah! Where did that come from? What is happening is that Person A is no longer responding to Person B or anything they said, but rather to a large swath of input and commentary from others saying they are not doing a good enough job. When Person B offers help, it as seen as yet another input of attack on Person A's abilities.

Another example of this is when Person A hears Person B share an idea of some new change. Person B says "Hey, I think we need to encourage the team to be in the office more." Person A responds "That is a horrific idea! Are you asking for a mass exodus? Do you even care about these people?" Wow! How did we go from more people in the office to this? Well, in a previous job that Person A had, the same sentement was shared and the actions that followed caused mass chaos. Person A's old boss said this and then forced everyone to come in, and then the remote workforce got scard for their jobs and productivity plummeted. Again, the response is no longer responding to the person and their actual idea, but rather to a past experience and other input.

What does listening look like?

Respectful dialogue is best when we are “curious not furious.” This is a tagline my current boss used once and I really liked it. It can be harder to do than to say. When someone says something that we immediately have an emotional reaction to, we must be curious first of ourselves and then of the intent of the other person. First we must ask "why am I reacting so strongly to this? Has someone else said this? Am I projecting their statements to this situation?" We must first understand our own reaction. Then, we should be curious of THIS person's intentions. Ask THIS person - "How do you think we should execute that idea?" or in the earlier example "Why are you offering me this help? Do you feel I am not capable?". This second part, being curious of the other, can take a lot of vulnerability. We don't know what the answer will be. Often times we make the answer worse than it is. But we should be curious, not jump to furious. Being curious instead of furious opens up dialogue instead of sending it into a frenzy fight.

So with all this, let me listen now. What do YOU think? Share your thoughts below in the comments

Note: I find this to be most prevalent in political comments and discussions. That said, given the context of this platform, I chose to focus more on the professional examples and implications.