Why are we afraid of talking about ourselves?

As I conduct classes at the MBA studies and attend meetings with managers, I systematically notice an interesting behaviour pattern. We are perfectly capable of presenting business issues with confidence and boldness. We have strong opinions; we can present and defend them in a logical way. Problems start when it comes to saying something about ourselves, something that says something about our personality and behaviour, not the position in the company; something based on facts, not general declarations like "Family is the most important thing to me" or "I love challenges". It is already becoming a huge problem when we go from one-to-one conversation to a group conversation. Why?

"Why?" is justified because we are not discussing any issues of deeply personal nature. We are talking about what we typically ask others and we expect clear answers, during recruitment interviews, periodic career feedback, etc. It is nothing else but: motivating factors, preferred role in the group, behaviour in professional situations (work under pressure, in the face of a conflict, etc.), communication style or the infamous strong sides and room for improvement.

I ask the participants of these discussions about that and together we usually arrive at two main reasons:

- the concern of being judged, often fear (a strong emotional factor)

- lack of well-established and verified knowledge about oneself (self-reflection), based on the analysis of repetitive behaviours and preferences (not intentions); and it's hard to talk about something that we do not know...

The first factor is, I reckon, strongly embedded in our culture. We have a very low “personal judgement” level, above which, from an open conversation, we instantly switch to defensive positions behind barbwire fences. For this very reason, I admire the Scandinavian corporate culture. Working with those managers I am impressed by their openness and ability to speak and listen (!) about themselves without considering it a personal attack and recognizing the necessity of defence. They treat this as a valuable source of information that should be "acknowledged" and then faced with. They assume that they don't have to agree with it, but it's still worth to listen to it. In this case, feedback sessions after assessment meetings are not only a great discussion but also an additional challenge. If there is so much demand on the other side, then you have to work hard to meet it, which actually brings great satisfaction to both sides. Obviously, I generalize writing about the Scandinavians. People are different everywhere and come in the full spectrum of colours, shapes and sizes. However, the centre of gravity of the attitudes discussed above in the Scandinavian culture is much further on the "openness/listening" scale than in Polish.

The second reason, weak self-reflection (based on facts, behaviours, not intentions) is also quite common. And yet, our long-term professional and life success are determined by the human factor. Professional knowledge is important, but not crucial for our sense of inner harmony, self-acceptance and the desired sense of "good life". If we don't know our preferred and repetitive behaviour, motivating factors, etc., how are we to create/choose the environment that will favour them? Let me emphasize, it must be verified knowledge, not based on "it seems to me that..."

Maturity is also a favourable factor, which, in the simplest terms, results from the sum of experiences, or even our age. The years under your belt can help, because there is a lot to process; as long as it is systematic and not just moments of epiphany. And this can be started at any age. Good news, right?