Why is water better than sweet tea?

I might get beat up by a few of my fellow southerners for this headline. That's ok, pain is a good teacher, and the message is worth a lil whoopin.

I have a 6 year old, and we have just entered a phase I like to fondly refer to as "**** you dad." Not because my son is anything other than an absolute joy, but because he's 6. I've been told this is a thing and just stand firm. So, what in the wild, wild, world of sports does this have to do with water vs. tea? Turns out, everything.

As a classic Star Trek episode pointed out, we're just bags of mostly water. And as anyone who's ever peed on an electrified fence knows, water is also a nearly perfect conductor. If we don't have enough water in our system, our natural bioelectric currents can't travel properly, and roughly 20% of our energy is used by the old Grey Matter. Not enough water, not enough brainjuice. No brainjuice, no attention span. (see above image, it's less colloquial than I.)

Sweet tea is full of caffeine, which is a diuretic. It makes us pee. Sugar... don't even get me started. There are drinks like Gatorade and Pedialyte which are specially formulated to rehydrate in specific conditions like hi-energy workouts or illness, but they aren't supposed to replace water. Only water is water.

I've had multiple clients in my burgeoning career tell me they haven't had water in 10,15, or even 20 years, just tea. And without exception it feels like massaging a piece of plywood in human form. In a way, massage therapy is water re-distribution. We pull muscle fibers apart, and the spaces in-between fill with water from the surrounding tissues. If there isn't enough water, you get lactic acid instead, and that HURTS! Like 40th birthday hangover hurts...

So hydrate. Drink water until you're irritated at how often you have to pee, and see if you don't feel better at the end of day one. I dare you.

tl;dr: tea makes you pee your brains out.