Why is UBER *really* asking us to give everyone a score?
This article is for entertainment purposes only. The author is not responsible for any existential crisis that may take root as a result of reading to the end.
So… why the hell are you scoring your UBER drivers and why are they scoring you? Has anyone ever noticed that their UBER driver was a “3.9” and canceled their trip?
Let me answer that... no.
The question remains, “what is really going on with all these scores?” Have you ever stopped to think about how this information is being used? Before we can answer that we may wanna set up a little context. Think about it… after every ride you are asked to score your driver and your driver is asked to score you. Every person who has a sample set of 50 rides has basically revealed everything you will ever need to know about him or her.
Please observe the following chart:
(You may have already noticed that this chart is not exactly to scale… work with me on this)
Your (completely unnecessary) mutual scoring exercise is informing the great big database in the sky of exactly who you are. Have you considered that UBER possesses a real-time account of what an average person must think of you?
- If you are the kind of person that likes everyone and everyone likes you… you are a “Charmer.” You buy rounds of drinks; you notice and compliment when your colleagues get a haircut. ("Looking sharp, Dave!")
- If you can make people like you and award you high scores, but you routinely torpedo their scores then you are kind of a “Sociopath.” This is the UBER equivalent of ghosting your hook-ups on Tinder. “Oooh baby I love you…" then silence… then DELETE!
- If you consistently award low scores and you are awarded with low scores in return… then you’re probably a “Jerk.” For real though... what’s actually wrong with you? You know you can literally sit quietly for 20 minutes and get 4 or 5 stars every time. (Although, I’ve never personally tried being quiet for 20 minutes.)
- And finally, if you are one of the poor, unfortunate individuals that awards everyone a high score and you still manage to earn low scores… then you are an “Appeaser.” Fight the natural impulse to apologize for this behavior ("I'm sorry.") and just stop.
Now, think how valuable this information is in the greater marketplace. Think of the implications during the hiring and promotion cycles at major corporations, for instance. I am sure a company like Boeing (again - for instance) can cross reference their production on a global scale and their employees UPI (UBER Personality Index – I just made that up) and they could come to a conclusion such as, “We definitely need to hire more UPI Jerks that are good tippers.” (Mindblow, right?)
I have a colleague whom we can call “Mark” and when I was selling him this idea last week he explained that this is probably already happening and 23andMe.com is probably already involved and they are starting to make connections between ethnicities and UPI scores. For instance, at some point “they” may be able to say the most charming people - according to the UPI - are a combination of Irish and Italian… you know… for instance. (For the record Mark is neither Irish nor Italian and I think his UBER score is like 3.4)
This whole idea gets even spookier when you consider the inclusion of UBEReats information. Just consider: what if the UBER database also knows that you often order $92 worth of Taco Bell on weekends at 2 a.m.? And what if during those transactions you are routinely awarding higher scores than your riding behavior would predict? Hiring managers may be interested in this information, as well, potentially inferring that you are taking advantage of the legalization laws in some states. Who knows? It’s all very plausible. I’m kind of kidding, but not really.
Anyway… this is all certainly food for thought. Speaking of food – did somebody say “Taco Bell?”