Why Topps is the Bottomms.

Dear Topps Management,

If I might paraphrase your own original tagline: "Don't Suck, Chum. Deliver Topps Orders."

Unfortunately, you suck. Seriously, your service is the worst I have experienced in the digital age. After placing an online order on November 12, which you immediately accepted and confirmed with an email, you just disappeared. No follow-up email about shipping. No text. No call. And worst of all, no response to me, your now angry and disappointed customer.

So I went back to your original email and called the toll-free number you provided. Of course no one answered, so I the set my phone down while listening to your single, solitary soundtrack that I eventually named "apathy on a loop." Every 60 seconds a robotic voice reminded me that my position in the queue was 9. For an hour. Then I moved to 8, where I sat for a second hour. Yes, I left the call on my speaker for two plus hours. I tried to be fair. I tried to understand that maybe you were really busy. I imagined that you either had thousands of incoming calls or just one customer service rep... and he was Dennis Nedry.

In the meantime, I visited your website and revisited your email. I then sent multiple emails to your company. All of them were acknowledged by an automated and standardized customer service response:

Your question has been received. We are experiencing a high volume of contacts via phone and email, your wait time may be longer to reach customer service via phone or receive a response to your email. We appreciate your patience.

And I am still waiting.

You took my order. You took my money. You failed to answer your phone. You failed to answer your email. And most important, you failed to ship me my order. Assuming I actually ever do receive the order from you, it will be the last Topps brand product I ever purchase. You should be ashamed of yourself and disgusted by your own incompetence. And the MLB should be embarrassed for partnering with you.

I guess I should blame Amazon. Or maybe Walmart or Target or even my local, independent grocery store – who through the use of Instacart can provide same-day delivery of orders. But I choose to blame you, Topps. Because you are the bottomms.