Why things matter?

A whole slew of things take place in our lives from the time we are born. We have experiences from which we learn; we start new ventures on our own; we meet people whom we like and we say goodbye to practices, people and experiences.

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It helps us appreciate the transience of life. That, maybe, it is a journey that never quite has an ending but is filled with adjustments, adaptations and learning - that some of the hardest lessons we learn are templates that we may be able to use for new experiences that make us uncomfortable, sad or just plain scared.

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In our lives, we have four idols according to Professor Arthur Brooks. Prof Brooks is a social scientist, author and lecturer at Harvard University where he teaches about leadership, happiness and non-profit management. These idols are: power, wealth, fame and pleasure. Knowing what these idols are just help us to identify what is important to us. It does not define us but depending on the lifestage and our value system, certain things become more apparent to us. An undergraduate may think of embarking on a future career with a sense of trepidation yet be keen on securing a good future: perhaps, his/her idols are power and wealth. As we build our career, we become known by others around us for certain idiosyncracies – perhaps, we are introverted, hence known to shy away from popular schemes and fame. Perhaps, fame is a least favoured idol; deriving pleasure from life may be more important and we may reach a stage where we feel we have experienced much in terms of leadership, hence power loses its prestige and wealth is not something we chase zealously because we may have stability.

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Contingent to this, is how we conceptualise how we want to participate in life. Are we an active seeker? Or prefer an anonymous quest in which we are happy for things to unfold.? Do we question why or do we ask what this teaches me?

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Whomever we conceptualise ourselves to be, our journey reveals that we never stay in an equilibrium for long. Instead, things are thrown out of synchronisation and we quickly work towards a sense of homeostasis. The key, may be, in how we look at things.? Easier said than done in a country that prides itself on pragmatism and being okay. No matter how loudly we may say it, the heart cries that it is okay to not be okay, but the mind says we need to move to always being okay.

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Why things matter is really a realisation of sorts that we, each, give credence and significance to events and experiences that challenge our thinking and shape our responses. Another key is the response we make – not a biological reaction in a fight, flight mode but a chosen one which is thought out and approached with insight and wisdom gained.

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So often, we are constantly in search of good answers with their equal subjectivity to what is good.? Therefore, the good enough equation may relieve the pressure in always achieving some outstanding thought to explain the experience by.

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The good enough equation challenges us to sit with difficult feelings to realise what these feelings are signalling, not how to make it go away, as Susan David asserts. That these signposts deserve the value of literally sitting with something until it is alright to look at it objectively and choose how we want to move along in the journey.?

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I never knew that my mother’s death would have such a strong impact on me. Three years later, I dreamt of her.? She was at the top of a steep slope, which I had spent time trying my hardest to pace myself, just to catch up.? I remember thinking in the dream as I became even more breathless that it was not worth having another heart attack for. Nevertheless, I called out unashamedly to my mother and did a dance – another thing that is highly uncharacteristic about me, to gain her attention.? I later attributed it to my brain pruning insignificant events out during the early hours of the morning in my sleep cycle, hence my dream not making sense. But, I could not deny its significance when she waved heartily – two of us locked in a communication that signalled “I see you”.? And so, it brought me back to the time when I finally asked her if I had made her proud – the youngest who had graduated from university in a struggle for academic success that may have dampened how I thought my parents looked at me.

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As I look forward, this stays with me:? “you’ll be alright. You’ll all be alright…” my mother said as she announced to me that she would die soon. She died within the week and as I thought of her on her death anniversary, I told myself that alright would be filled with moments when I felt irritated and sad and moments when I felt elated and accomplished.? It just depended on which side of the coin I wanted to look at, and to allow myself to feel the full range of emotions, because that is what I am – a basket of ironies who just feels things deeply all the time.?

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I know my downfall is dwelling:? I may irritate significant others with my proclivity to feel long and lasting feelings or my colleagues with things that matter ad infinitum, so I know that I may need to tune some things out and tone others down.

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You have your path too and your story. Just know that you get to write it, even if the dishevelled you looks back from the mirror and asks, “how?” It is leaning on what the experience teaches us and in picking what really matters.? Failure has taught me a lot more than when I’m just casually coasting by. Let it hurt. Let it be uncomfortable. Let yourself heal. Will it. Want it. Then, go ahead and do whatever it takes to look at both sides of that coin. It’s why things matter; and why you matter too.

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Brooks, Arthur, C (2023). How to be happy, reverse bucket lists, the four false idols, and more. ?The Tim Ferris Show (195). 14 September 2023. URL: https://youtu.be/LFKY1scJepM?si=DB3w1ERocJ1z2wPf

Susan David, PhD (2016). Chapter 3 – Trying to unhook. Emotional Agility. Penguin Random House LLC. NY: USA