Bypass the Chit Chat

An engineer told me, "I'm an introvert. Put me in front of a blueprint and I'm in my element. Put me in a networking event and I'm out of my element because I really dislike small talk. Help?"

I said, "What if you could enjoy meeting people because you have a way to introduce yourself that actually leads to an interesting conversation?"

"That would be such a relief. How?" 

"The secret is to STOP giving the standard elevator speech. It loses people at hello because it's often so artificial and forced.

If someone asks, 'What do you do?' say, 'I'm happy to talk about that and first may I find out a little bit about you?' Then, ask a question that gives them a hook on which to hang a conversation like:

'What do you do when you're NOT working?'

What's something you're looking forward to?

'I'm new here. Anything in particular you recommend I see or do?'

Please understand, meeting people doesn't have to be about what you do for WORK.

It can be about what's going on in your life. It can be that you live for the weekends because you get to work in your garden. It can be you're coaching your son's soccer team and loving every minute. Or that you just got back from Hawaii and wish you could live there full time.

This disrupts the traditional "I help _____ do ___" elevator speech which is a yawner and often feels fake because it's scripted and rehearsed.

Talking about what's going on in your life right now sets the tone for a more natural conversation because you're introducing what really matters to you and what's top of mind.

Plus, asking other people to go first is rare and welcome. It lets them know you're genuinely interested in who they are as a person not just what they do from 9 - 5.

If this is a business event and you do want/need to talk about your job, go A.L.L. in with these three steps.

1. Ask "Do you know anyone - could be yourself, a friend or a family member - who ______?" (fill in what you do, i.e., "is looking to buy or sell a home," or "wants to start their own business" or "is trying to get back in shape and doesn't want to go it alone?")
2. Listen to what they say.
3. Link what you do to what they just said. Use the same words they just used to confirm what they just said and to create commonality.

The beauty of this three step process is that it turns a one-way monologue into a two-way dialogue in 60 seconds or less. BOTH of you are already talking and you have turned a stranger into a friend because you've established something you have in common.

My friend Judy can attest to how well this approach works. When people asked "What do you do?" she used to say, "I'm an event planner." They'd say "Oh" and that would be the end of the conversation. We don't want to end conversations, we want to open conversations.

Now she asks, "Do you know anyone - could be yourself, a friend or someone at work - who attends conventions?"

Then, she puts a sock in it and gives the other person an opportunity to respond.

They may say, "That's me. I just got back from my industry's annual conference."

She usually asks one more question to find out more about them. "What industry?"

They may say "school principals" or "general contractors" or "financial planners."

She then customizes her answer to say, "That's what I do. Find the speakers, book the hotels, and run the program for conferences and conventions like the one you just attended."

The other person eyebrow's will probably go up (a sure sign of intrigue) and they'll go "AAHH" (which is a lot better than "oh") and you're off and running.

When is the next conference, business meeting or networking event you'll be attending?

When people ask, "What do you do?" don't tell them, go A.L.L in. Ask, Listen and Link.

This will help you bypass meaningless chit-chat and set up a mutually-meaningful interaction that ends up being time well spent for both of you.

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Sam Horn is the CEO of the Intrigue Agency Her 9 books - including Tongue Fu! and POP! - have been featured in NY Times, on NPR and presented to Cisco, Intel, Boeing, Fidelity, NASA, YPO and EO. Want to see this technique in action? Check out this TEDx talk.