Why Successful Leaders Never Use an Espresso Cup to Hold Their Emotions

I roll my eyes when I read posts or articles about emotional intelligence (EQ). The reason is not that it is not important—it is CRITICAL for leaders.

I dislike the term "emotional intelligence" because if you're not sure you have it, you might feel like you're not "intelligent." I call it an unreachable term. It's hard to quantify and describe in a way that resonates with people. A better term I like using is "Emotional Holding and sensing (EHS)" or Emotional Capacity.

Why Emotional Capacity is a Leadership Game Changer

Let's use a metaphor that illustrates the transformative power of EQ/EHS, a power that goes beyond what we can imagine.

I love espresso. I drink it in a small ceramic cup without any additives.

Would I be able to drink it if someone poured one spoonful of salt into my espresso? Hell No! Yuck! My entire espresso now tastes like salt.

On the other hand, if I were drinking from a a deep well or a fresh fountain and someone poured one spoonful of salt into it, would I feel a difference in taste? Of course not.

Consider this: the same spoon of salt but a different capacity to handle it.

The same goes for Emotional intelligence or EHS.

Real-life scenario

I hear this scenario from many of my coaching clients. You're a leader of a big group trying to understand why the project is not progressing as planned. In your staff meeting, you ask for an explanation, but instead of clear answers, you get a wave of words that feel like a coverup. Anger, frustration, and a tingling sense of helplessness start to appear.

If your capacity to hold uncomfortable emotions is limited (the espresso cup), you can't control your frustration and might start shouting and demanding results. The anger and stress of getting results will overwhelm you.

If you invest in increasing your emotional holding capacity (the deep well), you will still get angry and frustrated. However, you will not lose your temper and react unproductively. You will be able to listen with curiosity to what is directly said, what is said "between the lines," and, even more importantly, to what you feel and sense. Then, you will guide the conversation into clarity and eventually make progress. All this while being grounded and calm.

It happens to me as well

I was trying to educate my son about an important life lesson when he responded, "That is BS!" You can imagine my reaction.

I exploded uncontrollably and screamed so loud that my wife had to tap my shoulder and help me realize that I had lost control. The experience was overwhelming. It was like I was running an "inner script" without the ability to control it.

I had to make it right, or my relationship with my son would have taken a bad turn. Later that night, I engaged in inner reflection to discover what was triggering me and identify how I would respond to it more calmly.

My reflection revealed that because I was bullied at 14, I enter a "fight" mode whenever I'm being challenged. Imagine my surprise making this connection!

The next day, I asked my son to continue our conversation. Two minutes into the conversation, he said it again: "This is BS!" My son triggered me again; I could feel the anger rush from my stomach to my head. But this time, I could consciously sense the anger coming. This time, I chose my response. Instead of shouting, I responded by asking clarifying questions. Slowly the anger calmed down and we were able to finish the conversation. Crisis averted.

By increasing my emotional capacity to feel and hold my anger, I improved my relationship with my son and experienced growth in my leadership capacity.

Having greater EQ/EHS doesn't mean you stop feeling angry, stressed, or frustrated. It means you can feel these emotions without needing to "stop" them or "regulate" them.

It's Critical for Business

When we lack the capacity in a business setting, we might react to our emotions and regulate the uncomfortable ones instead of responding to and solving the core of the problem. We are acting in a way that is aligned with our emotions and not with the business problem.

Here is one example of the impact of increased emotional capacity.

C-Suit impact: One of my executive clients, Guy, the CEO of a business consulting agency, shared this with me:

"I was facing a very critical negotiation with a large and long-term financial impact, and I realized that I was going into it very, very angry about the situation and the people involved. Fortunately, through the coaching I received, I could acknowledge my anger. I stopped the night before to delve into the anger, to give it space for a moment, and through this, the path became clearer for me. The meeting was managed in a way where I did not give up my assertiveness but gave them space; I explained my frustration, I knew how to stand my ground without being perceived as an excited child, and to my delight, the results of the negotiations were beyond expectations."

Guy was able to feel angry AND to have a conversation about it and what he needs without acting angry.

The Case for Culture

Increasing our emotional capacity has another major impact: setting the organization's culture. Your employees are watching consciously and unconsciously everything you say and how you behave.

How you respond in difficult situations sets the tone for what behaviors are acceptable and which are not. Without emotional capacity, we will react unconsciously to stop the uncomfortable emotion. These behaviors are often not effective or don't contribute to the team's culture, like shouting, retreating, or becoming silent.

I was in a staff meeting with a high-ranking VP in one of the Fortune 50 companies. The VP was shouting at everyone, and his frustration was visible. No one dared to speak up; there was no discussion about how to solve issues. It felt like an interrogation.

This leader didn't have the emotional capacity to operate under pressure and conduct a highly productive conversation to find solutions. This behavior translated to other staff members shouting at their teams, as they, too, were stressed to get results quickly in fear of the executive vice president's rage. Shouting was allowed, and it propagated throughout the organization.

Leaders create, promote, and allow a culture. Emotional capacity is critical for promoting a healthy culture.

Conclusion

Investing in our emotional capacity means that we can feel a wide range of emotions without the need to regulate them through actions. It helps us respond more effectively to our environment, make better business decisions, and promote a healthier team culture.

Beyond the Espresso Cup

The journey to expanding your emotional capacity isn't one you have to take alone. Just as I needed guidance to transform my relationship with my son and help leaders like Guy navigate critical business negotiations, every leader can benefit from personalized support in developing this crucial capability.

Think about your own "espresso cup moments" - those situations where emotions overwhelm your ability to respond effectively. What if you could transform them into "deep well or fountain moments," where you maintain clarity and purpose even in the face of intense challenges?

I work one-on-one with leaders who are ready to expand their emotional capacity and create lasting positive impact in their organizations. If you're curious about how this transformation could look in your leadership journey, let's have a conversation.

You can schedule a discovery call using this link.