Why stresses, lies and horrible conversations in leadership leave us feeling stuck

You know, like anything we do every day, we come to accept the stress of being a leader as just part of our leadership responsibilities. And every day, we tolerate a bit more stress.

Our Vagus nerve, our nervous system and our brains recalibrate all the time to accommodate and adjust to minute environmental changes… like our muscles adjusting our balance in milliseconds when we walk or run. Not something we notice.

We too easily acclimatise to new levels of stress.

But then sometimes, the emotional charge is too much. Our triggers stack up and we need to let some pressure escape. So we let rip.

Even if it’s not very graceful, it’s a release.

We trade the risk of breaking trust, needing to repair our relationships and reputations, for the relief of truthfully expressing our frustration, our disagreement, our dislike… which could also be irrational, untrue, a miscalculation or misinterpretation, or even our own lack of influence.

Stresses, lies and horrible conversations —?these are things we endure at work.

? Stress escalates we feel unsafe, need the approval of others or want to be more influential (among other things like burnout and lack of quality sleep) including when our direct reports don’t do what we’ve asked, we feel out of our depth, our boss doesn’t listen to us, or we need to have a horrible conversation.

? Lying to ourselves works because it is a defence, it temporarily protects us and our team. Lying covers an amazing range of untruths and discomfort with reality from self-deception, avoidance, staying quiet, holding unrealistic expectations, polite pretence, and harmless little lies to a blatant, finger-pointing or career-damaging lie.

? Horrible conversations are loaded with emotions, illogical opinions, inexperience, bad memories, guilt, doubts and second-guesses as well as fear. That’s why we avoid them. And when we can’t avoid them, we dread them.

I want to be clear. This happens to the most thoughtful, caring and growth-minded leaders.

Skill and confidence in leadership without stress, some level of deception and a tendency towards conversation avoidance is impossible if we don’t seek to understand what is happening for us and the other person.

All of these stresses, lies and horrible conversations keep us awake at night, looping over and over, with no clear answers.

We’re left feeling stuck.

Why do we feel stuck?

Say hello to our sometimes not so helpful ego. Our need to be acknowledged or seen in a positive or strong way can distract and derail us from handling an issue for optimal results.

? Our need as leaders to have the answers, give people advice and tell our people what to do are the biggest reasons we feel stressed. The pressure of having answers, the pressure of not even knowing what the answer is, and the frustration we feel when people don't do what we told them to do.

? We sometimes deceive ourselves or lie to protect ourselves and others, and go out of our way to avoid that horrible conversation.

I’m not saying our ego is the only reason that we get stuck but it does get in the way a lot.

Situations get complicated because we've added extra emotional charge, triggers and baggage that not even we want to unpack.

If we can put our ego to one side, we can discover that we have more choices of how to show up than we realise.

Indeed, Leaders Who Coach? approach situations with much less ego which serves them well in quickly evaluating situations and applying their conversation tools and techniques to deliver a better outcome than their peers.

We do have choices. We just lack practice.

What if I said, "Let go. Let go of your ego."

What comes up for you?

And what if I said,

"You don’t need to try so hard, to have all the answers, the next steps? You don’t need to solve other people’s problems."

I see it again and again in the leaders I train, though they don’t see it as ego. Not at first.

This strong attachment to their own counsel, their advice, their way of doing things. This is ego speaking. And it gets in your way of leadership.

You don’t need to have all the answers.

Leaders Who Coach? come to know how powerful this stance is.

You just need to be more present. Put your direct report (or boss!) at the centre of the conversation and solution creation. Help your people find their own answers and resist jumping in with your way of doing things.

Your turn:

• How do you feel reading that?
• What might be possible for you?
• How could your stress levels be impacted?
• Would you need to lie or avoid to any extent?
• Would the conversation be so horrible?

As leaders, we can give up and accept that stresses, lies and horrible conversations are all just part of leadership.

Or, we can look for a healthier approach where you as a leader use coaching skills — you Coach/Lead — because it is better for us mentally and physically, and it creates a healthier culture and team dynamic for our people.

Here’s a small selection of reflections from leaders who are Leaders Who Coach? Graduates:

“It’s no exaggeration to say that LWC? has transformed how I think about and go about my job. I’ve never felt so calm in any role I’ve ever been in, as I’ve never had such confidence in my purpose and the value I can now bring. I have had so many great conversations with my team over the last few weeks, barriers have been broken down and I really feel like I’m getting to know them properly — something I thought would be extremely difficult in a remote setting in a new role. I will be approaching difficult conversations in a completely different way but am confident that they will be much more effective.” — Simon

“I feel like I now have plenty of tools at my disposal for influencing others in a positive way. I have learned a lot about really listening and trusting it will lead to the right questions. I have also learned that the simple act of creating a space for someone is a gift in itself.” —?Lizzie

“I now know that altruism, authenticity and agency are important to me. It’s important to me to look after others, to be true to myself (rather than craving the approval of others) and to make my own decisions and to decide for myself what I’ll focus my energies on.” —?Chris

“LWC? has changed my approach to coaching entirely. I now focus more on asking good questions (no more stacking questions!) and creating moments of silence to allow my direct reports to further explore their thoughts and feelings without distractions. This has been a very effective method of discovering deeper insights. It’s enabled them to explore options and solutions with the added benefit of building stronger relationships.” — Kishor

"I'm walking back into the world with a secret and powerful new awareness (a new superpower!). Utterly grateful. I feel more confident, clear, and effective." — Darcy

Leaders want to empower individuals to take ownership and responsibility both because it is business smart, and they love seeing their direct reports work through challenges and reach their full potential.

No need to feel stuck in stresses, lies and horrible conversations.

In coach-leadership conversations, you have so many techniques and strategies at your disposal.

Slowing down to notice, observe and adjust your role in it are just some of the things you can do to transform the stresses, lies and horrible conversations into rich exchanges with your direct reports, your peers, your clients and even your boss.

Sehaam Cyrene PCC — The COACH/LEAD? Coach

I teach leaders and leadership teams to use powerful coaching skills from one conversation to the next.

COACH/LEAD? is my liberating leadership style that best equips leaders for today's challenges and a healthier working world.

My CPD Certified Programme, Leaders Who Coach? is 5-Star Rated with 10/10 NPS by graduating leaders at Accenture, Amplience, bol.com, Buffer, Cancer Research UK, Claranet, elastic, ESB Networks, JP Morgan Chase, Moo, Publicis Sapient, Recycleye, Sainsbury's, Thales, Vortexa and more. "Transformational!" "Game-changer!" "Secret sauce to high-performing businesses."

My Better Conversations Rulebook: Questions & Phrases Practised Daily by Leaders Who Coach? is an Amazon #1 Best Seller.

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