Why standing up for yourself is hard – and what to do about it

In my work with my coaching clients, I oftentimes see and hear their frustration when they ask me “Why is it so darn hard to learn to speak up for myself? It’s easy for me to encourage my friends or children to say what they have to say. But when it comes to me taking a stand for myself, I’m having such a hard time with it! Why is that?”

The easy answer is “Because it IS hard!”

How do I know? I’ve been there myself and have worked and walked my own way from frustration to freedom. So, if you can relate to this kind of frustration with learning to be your own best advocate, I hear you and I feel for you. Please know that you’re not alone!

Also know that, yes, this kind of transformative work can be challenging and take some time, AND it is totally doable if you are committed and ready to do the work.

Here are three reasons why standing up for yourself can be so challenging…and some tips on how to deal with them:

1.    You don’t know who you are and what matters to you

If you want to be an advocate for yourself you need to know who you are, what you want, and what feels good and right to you, and what doesn’t. Clarity about YOU and YOUR cause is essential if you want to be able to speak up and make a case for YOU.

So, I encourage you to spend the time with yourself and find out who you are deep down and what you value. It will help you gain the clarity and courage to voice your points of view and become your own greatest advocate.  If you’re interested, I’m happy to share an exercise with you that will help you in your inquiry. Drop me a line!

2.    You may be afraid of being misunderstood or rejected as a result of speaking your truth

Are you wondering “Will people still like me? What if people don’t agree with what I have to say, and they turn away from me?”. Truth be told, there is a real chance that some people may not like it when you start speaking up, and they may withdraw from you. Let me ask you a question: What would you rather experience, the freedom, and liberation that comes from speaking your truth at the risk of possibly letting go of a friend that doesn’t support you OR the bondage of repressing your truth for the sake of keeping a ‘friend’ who doesn’t appreciate you for who you truly are? There’s no right or wrong answer – it’s a choice.

From my own experience, I can tell you that I have held on to the idea of wanting to be understood, liked, and accepted by everybody at the high price of making myself fit into THEIR idea of who I should be or whom I thought they wanted me to be. For a long time, I’ve accepted to ignore my truth and needs in the process. So, in order for you to be able to speak up for yourself you may need to develop the readiness to let go of your attachment to the way how other people perceive you, and potentially say goodbye to some connections of yours. You may actually find it liberating. Ask me how I know! ??

One way to deal with your fears and concerns about being misunderstood or rejected is to make a list of what you are afraid of as a consequence of speaking up. And then talk about your fears with people you trust. Getting your concerns out of the endless spiral in your mind is the first step to gaining control over them.

3.    You haven't learned (yet) how to respect yourself

Like athletes need to constantly train their muscles, you need to build the proverbial muscle of self-respect if you want to stand up for yourself and do so with strength and conviction. Most people have been told to put other people’s needs before their own, thus disregarding their very own needs and wants along the way. You may be so entrenched in this understanding and behavior that it can be quite challenging to change that attitude towards yourself and treat yourself with at least the same amount of respect that you grant others.

If self-respect is something you struggle with, a starting point is to practice small acts of respect toward yourself, e. g. end a leisurely phone call with a friend early when you feel too tired to continue the chat or ask your neighbor to turn down their excessively loud music or allow yourself to say ‘No’ to an invite for dinner if you need some quiet time to yourself. When you keep practicing these small gestures of respect (and love) towards yourself it will build a healthy muscle of self-esteem that will support you in standing up for yourself in all important areas of your life.

Final thoughts:

You may have noticed that these three challenges have a common thread/root, which is the lack of clarity about your Self. Gaining clarity about your Self, your wants, needs, values, etc. will help you resolve all other challenges. Only when you know who you are, what you value, feel, and fear, can you start to appreciate yourself, respect yourself, and develop the courage and confidence to stand up for yourself, no matter what, even at the risk of being rejected or losing people. Once you honor and appreciate yourself for who you truly are, none of that matters anymore because at that point, speaking your truth and living in alignment with what matters to you will be the most important thing.

Are you ready to explore how you too can get there or at least take the first step? Go here to apply for your complimentary Clarity Session – I guarantee you it will be worth your time and you will be one step closer to standing up for yourself with confidence.